Confused and afraid

[adabellissima]

Hello,
My long term boyfriend left at the beginning of the year after nearly 4 years together. It's been quite emotionally violent relationship but at the end I understood it made happy when he's left. Same day when we split up, I posted on Facebook 'this is very sad day for me today' and one of my work colleagues, who I didn't know very well, started mailing me with questions what, why etc. It turned out he's been after me for a while and he's split up with his long term girlfriend too. So, almost straight away I went from one relationship to the other. I knew it wasn't a good idea as I needed time to process my break up but he's been very understanding and supportive and we've seemed to connect very well. We've been together 5 months and he's always been charming, lovely etc. I've realised recently I love him but never told him that as never heard it from him and don't want him to escape or force him to say the same. Last week, almost literally from day to day, he's changed- he doesn't get in touch very often as usually, his answers are one worded, he seems to be very distant. He's one of these people who don't talk much and don't talk about their problems either. I've told him I've noticed he's changed recently and asked if he has any problem. He answered he doesn't like his life because his overtime was cut at work and now he doesn't save anything and only pays the bills. As we've known each other only for 5 months I can't say if there's something else or he's actually worried about his financial situation and that's why he's distant. As I still remember when my ex was like that and it meant he was going to leave me. Now I'm afraid maybe with the current boyfriend is the same... I'm afraid as I'm very after him and this is the first time in my life I've started thinking about settling down someday in the future (I'm 30 year old) what has never happened before and I know it's in connection with him as he makes me feel safe and I feel like I can do so much in my life. I'm not sure what to do- as he doesn't talk much trying to talk to him is difficult. Maybe I should just give him space... I can't keep asking as don't want to seem to be clingy but he worries me because of him not feeling well with the financial situation and because of myself as I really don't want to lose him. i keep reminding myself when his friends told me he's been talking about me for couple months before we've started seeing each other- it sounds like somebody is really into you when keeps talking about you to friends, doesn't it? Could anyone tell me what's wrong in my thinking, please?

[adabellissima]

Well, he's still acting funny. I asked him if it's something more, us in. example and then he said we have to talk. So, according to him, our relationship is really good but he doesn't love me. Where did it all gone wrong?

[Cerby]

He could also be rebounding from his relationship. A couple of years ago I was in an awesome relationship with a girl for 4 months, but I never knew she had left her boyfriend only weeks before we started dating. She ended up breaking up with me by ignoring my calls and texts, and finally sending a message that "She needs time to herself". For the first 3.5 months before that, things were really good. So this might be one of the possibilities.

Rebound relationships, they're just destructive.

[DianaDBoss]

You should have one good talk with him about your relationship and the future. Do something different that you may have never done before and have the conversation now! If you are afraid to talk about what is REALLY going on, imagine having to feel like you are walking on eggshells your entire relationship?!?!? F*c$ outta here. If he is not mature enough or doesn't love you enough to address your real concerns in a mature fashion, the relationship is already dead. If on the other hand he is just going through financial difficulties then he will tell you then. Talk about how you may communicate in the future, how you plan to overcome these financial obstacles, etc. It sounds to me you are ready for a true life partnership. Contrary to popular culture, you are not crazy for wanting to build a family and you are not too young to feel that way. You are not a weak woman because you want a lifetime relationship and refuse to settle for less. Be true to yourself and if he is really ready, he will step up. If not, just agree that you are not looking for the same things anymore, wish him well and move on!!

[adabellissima]

Guys, thank you for the replies Much appreciated.
Well, he just doesn't want to waste my time knowing he doesn't love me. What's the point to carry on? He didn't want to tell me straight as I'm having problems with my housemates (being bullied and have to move out), my brother has lost job and can't find the new one and doesn't have place to live and looks like I could've a cancer, according to my latest test results. After we had long conversation yesterday his distance disappeared and became lovely and caring again but it's because he knows I'm trying to understand. He doesn't want me out of his life and I know there's no point to throw him away as it could be a good friendship- no need to burn the bridges behind me. I just have to accept the fact he doesn't love me and I have to carry on with my life. The thing I'm being afraid is the fact staying on my own entire life...

[adabellissima]

Hello,
I'm getting bit confused- since I've had a conversation with my boyfriend on Sunday and found out he doesn't love me, he's returned to his usual self- he's lovely, caring, sending me text messages in the morning and evening with affection in these, calls me in the evening... I don't get it. He's not a person who plays with other people. So, what should I think about it?

[Cerby]

If he doesn't love you, the rest means nothing. You should start getting ready to move on, this isn't going anywhere and time is being wasted sticking around.

[oldskool83]

i think hes being nice because he wants to hump you.

[adabellissima]

Yeah, probably, however it doesn't seem to be like him. He's just nice probably and wants me to help go through the tough eriod (house move, my bother is leaving, I'm sick)... It's so different relationship I used to have never met anyone like him and now have to forget.