wife goes nuts, confused

[MarcoPolo7]

How my wife ends up in the hospital and other stuff (help!)

Me and my wife are both 45 and we live a sort of boring life with my wife tired all the time from taking care of chidlren (home daycare business) except that we go out dancing every few weeks and take a week in Mexico once a year.

Well, we were just on vacation and one night something happened that is hard to wrap my mind around.
This is no made up story and I really need help!

Around 6 pm we were in the pool drinking at the pool bar. My wife started to laugh a lot and be much more loud and social than usual.
I usually have to push her to even have a drink. Well she was drunk and said she was having the best time of her life. The people we were originally drinking/laughing with left, but then immediately we started talking to three very young people from Spain which is where my wife is from. They started doing shots which my wife usual refuses. I don't speak Spanish so I kept asking "what did they say? What was so funny?" etc.
One of the girls whose husband was sleeping elswhere started fishing for compliments and my wife and others kept telling her she was beautiful blah blah.
By now my wife is so drunk she is telling me to not let her drown!

Now it starts. Some one suggests "besos" and my wife gives this girl a little kiss and embrace. I wish i could explain how out of character this is. Anyway, since I was a little drunk too I teased her and said "you want her don't you?". I didn't expect the serious answer in excited slurred speech "yes, I want to blankety blank her".
I don't remember it all but my wife was making out with this girl on and off and groping. They were wispering in each other's ears and I kept asking what was being said. At one point my wife said they had cocaine their room and laughing like a maniac added "I think she is trying to "f" me". My wife hates drugs and has never done cocaine and yet in this case she holds her glass up in the air spilling it into the pool and shouts "let's do this thing!" (I keep hearing this in my head now) and then shouts right into my ear that she is so going "do her" --but in more graphic words. My overworked, low libido wife of 15 years was all ready to go to a cocaine fueled orgy!
She says to me she is going to be a very bad girl. Now I am sort of turned on but also feeling like I was just kicked in the stomach. I have never really had truly mixed emotions like that and the feeling lingers even now.

To make a long story short, my wife and this girl fool around in the pool and my wife keeps pushing for the party in the room to start but the girl's husband shows up and isn't really into it. Now the girl is pushing my wife away but she is so drunk she is trying to grope the girl's butt in right in front of the husband.
I have to pull her out of the pool by force and she ended up slipping and hitting her head. At this point she can't stand up and is semiconscious. We had to take a 45 min taxi ride to the hospital to get stitches.
Next day she remembers nothing (She stays in bed nauseous for more than a day!)
After I started to tell her what she did and said she wouldn't let me continue. She refused to believe it at first and still hasn't heard all the details.

She is pissed off that I am now convinced that she is attracted to girls and that she was really turned on. (She definitely was--I am leaving out a few more embarrassing details here and I know her facial expression when turned on). But, she says girls do nothing for her and she would never go to the room for a "cocaine orgy" in a million years. The only other thing I once noticed in the 20 years of marriage is that the one and only time we watched an adult movie together she didn't want me to skip over the artsy slow mo girl with girl scene and watched it with apparent interest--but later claimed it wasn't sexual but just "beautiful".

I don't know how to think about this. I always wished she was a little more of a bad girl type but there is something about her not remembering and claiming that she would never be turned on by a woman despite what I saw.

A little more of a bad girl yes but not this bad and not a bad girl that doesn't remember or admit.

She wants to just say that the alcohol did it and that it wasn't really her. For me it can't be so simple.

Also, there is no chance in heck that she will talk more about it. She wants to just forget it and claims she will never drink again. This would be bad for our romantic nights out dancing because unless she has had at least one drink she acts about as stiff and boring as you could imagine. She is fun when at least tipsy.

Everything is messed up now. In a way it would be easier if she just owned up to the girl attraction thing but she isn't the type to talk about sexual thoughts. She gets mad if I try. In the past if I ask for her to share a fantasy she will seem annoyed or at best say her fantasy is to be with me (with no details at all). She also claims not to masturbate (FWIW).

Could she still be totally heterosexual dispite all this? I could live with bisexual thing or something like that especially if she would talk about it at least a little bit. I hate repression, denial and especially keeping feeling secret.

She rejects the idea that alcohol releases inhibitions about true desires and says that she knows because her dad is a drunk that drunk people just make up bull---thus there was nothing real in what happened.


Help me explore this. I have a restless analytical mind.

One thing I keep thinking is that it was only an act of god that stopped her from ended up doing whatever with whomever in this girls room. I can't give her credit for drawing the line anywhere.
Also, is she lesbian? Bi? what? The suggestion angers her.

[lana1970]

hey its just lust don't you have any?

[Cerby]

Ok, as a guy dating a bi girl, it is the best thing in the world. I have gotten to act out some of the things that most straight men only dream of, most notably three-ways with other very good looking women. But it wasn't dropped on me like a bombshell like it was on you.

So really, what can you do, you cannot force someone to talk, and we all know that sometimes people do so seriously embarassing things while drinking booze. I'm believing that the liquor she had might have had something else in it as well based on how extreme she was acting. She is clearly embarassed by it and doesn't even want to hear the whole story, so it shows that it was out of her control and more under control of the booze.

She isn't a lesbian, she has been married to you for 20 years. I think an exploratory side came out there, and if you could tap into that, or at least get her willing to talk about it, you may open a gate that you never thought was there.

[HeartIsAching]

Sexuality is a scale, not a yes/no on/off kind of thing. I think it's likely that your wife is mostly heterosexual, but when her inhibitions were down she let her attraction to that female come forward.

Take her at her word - the worst thing you can do for your relationship is distrust her.

[MarcoPolo7]

hey its just lust don't you have any?

Plenty. I also know the difference between fantasy/feeling and acting out.

Now that you have tried out your zinger, if you don't mind, keep your issue about lust in your lust thread and answer the posed question there. In this thread I am interested in what people might say to help me think about things with a straight head.

[TeeJay19]

She's not lesbian, bisexual maybe or just a little curious. It's not that uncommon for women to be a little curious about being intimate with another woman. Doesn't mean they're lesbian or bisexual necessarily, they're just a lot more comfortable with same sex relations that men.

Alchohol doesn't turn straight people homosexual. If those desires came out while drinking they've probably been there all along, she obviously just doesn't want to admit it. From the sounds of she's a pretty conservative women who probably hasn't ever "let loose" so to speak. It seems like she wants to but is holding herself back, which explains why this side of her only comes out when she's drinking.

You also talked about how you wished she was a little more "bad", so maybe if you told her this she wouldn't feel so bad about having these sorts of desires. She might not be willing to admit to it because she's worried about what you'll think. I mean, obviously the cocaine orgy was going too far but it definitely sounds like you want her to loosen up a bit.

Also, how do you feel about her possibly being attracted to women? You mentioned having mixed emotion about it, which is understandable. You should probably make up your mind about that because whether she admits it or not the desire is probably there.

[MarcoPolo7]

You also talked about how you wished she was a little more "bad", so maybe if you told her this she wouldn't feel so bad about having these sorts of desires. She might not be willing to admit to it because she's worried about what you'll think.

she said I can just forget about it if i think for one minute she is ever going to act like that again. She senses that I am intrigued but it angers her. She doesn't want anything to do with it in any way. She keeps emphasizing that I shouldn't expect wildness like and that it isn't her and she isn't interested in such things. I think I believe that I will never see it again.
In short, if she read your reply should would be annoyed by it and any suggestion of a secret desire. It doesn't fit her morals or her personality (she says).

[TeeJay19]

she said I can just forget about it if i think for one minute she is ever going to act like that again. She senses that I am intrigued but it angers her. She doesn't want anything to do with it in any way. She keeps emphasizing that I shouldn't expect wildness like and that it isn't her and she isn't interested in such things. I think I believe that I will never see it again.
In short, if she read your reply should would be annoyed by it and any suggestion of a secret desire. It doesn't fit her morals or her personality (she says).

Well then I guess you might as well just forget about it. If you keep bothering her about it she'll just get more annoyed. I guess it's possible the whole thing was alchohol induced, but I would bet she secretly has these desires, so hopefully one day she'll be comfortable sharing this stuff with you, but obviously not now.

[smackie9]

Whatever goes on in one's mind is nobodys business, and that's the way she wants to keep it. Yes she is just curious, and might have over the years wondered what it would be like, whatever it's her "safe" fantasy that she really didn't want to reveal. She is telling you the truth, it was the alcohol pursuading her to act in the moment. Sorry but there is nothing that is going make her be this "sexually naughty" woman.....only in her own mind.

[smackie9]

What you should be doing is addressing is this "boring" life you both seem to have. Usually what happens is a middle age crisis and a divorce.