second chance at first love, strangest situation ever...

[bloomingdale]

Ok so before I begin, this is probably the strangest situation about 99% of you will encounter but I just need some advice.

I am an American born muslim who was raised by both religiously and culturally conservative parents till the age of 18 when I went off to college. Before I left for college, I was told that I was going to marry a traditional girl from Pakistan when I get older. At 18, I didn’t protest—thinking if I find someone I like I will marry whoever I want despite my parent’s wishes.

Mid- freshman year comes around and I meet the perfect girl that I had everything in common with—we laugh at the same things, enjoy the same taste in movies, music, love being around each other and basically can’t be seen apart from one another, and love each other unconditionally. After freshman year, I transferred to a bigger school about an hour away from her but we were always together—spent nearly every single weekend together for 3 years and spoke with each other incessantly when we could. Sure we were young and we were passionate and we had our fights and multiple attempts to break-up that stemmed from knowing that we could never truly be together. I am Muslim and she is Hindu—we were both born in the states and we are essentially American but we have our own culture and religion rooted in us that our parents, family, and friends would never truly understand. Eventually we broke it off and I think at some point we accepted that we were first loves and we can’t be with each other after about 3-4 years of dating. We didn’t talk for several years after that.

I randomly happened to call her one night after we stopped talking and she later told me that it was exactly one year after we stopped talking. More time went on and I told her briefly about the girl in Pakistan who I started talking to. She wasn’t phased because she told me she has been dating a guy for a little while herself. Communication slowed for a while and I was convinced that both her and I moved on as I felt nothing than occasionally just missing having her around. A little more time went on and we both enrolled in medical school veryyyy far from one another and we talked occasionally via skype or so. This time the communication was different—I felt nothing from her and knew she moved on because she told me. There were times when she couldn’t talk to me because her boyfriend didn’t want her to. She also told me that we can still never be together—but most importantly and the thing that touched me most was that she told me that she thinks that there is no possible way that she can like anyone more than she liked me. God that was a great day but the happiness only lasted a little while because we stopped talking from her end. This hurt me a lot and I confessed how much I missed her but of course it meant nothing to her. Plus we were thousands of miles apart…I was just being stupid.

So several more years pass and she’s dating a different guy who I don’t know much about other than that he was hindu and she was willing to marry him but not sure why it didn’t work. They dated for 3 years and her best friend in medical school coincidentally had the same birthday as me.
During this whole time, I have no idea if she even remembers me or my name, what we shared together or anything. As for me, I’ve been talking to the girl in pakisan for about 4 years now and I still barely know her—I only speak English and she only speaks her mother tongue but we can understand each other. I’ve had my doubts the relationship for years but I am still committed to it for now.

So….

We finish medical school and at 28 years of age are coincidentally resident physicians at the same hospital in the same town!! She’s still single and looking for a guy to get married to and we’ve been hanging out almost every day. Seeing her after nearly 7 years made my heart come out of my chest—she looks more beautiful than ever and I know she can see my love for her in my eyes. Despite that, we continue to be friends and we’ve already talked about how we can’t be anything else because of our cultural/religious differences. Maybe she used it as a scapegoat for something else… Of course, for now we are friends and hopefully we will continue to be. She was upset that I talk with my ex and basically said talk to her or me…so naturally I picked her. I really don’t know what’s going on in her head—I know she thinks of me as her first love, someone she will always have some connection with, but doesn’t want to pursue anything else with? Sometimes I think she does, other times she doesn’t. She’s told me she wants someone just like me and doesn’t know who will be better for her…I mean how many people have a second chance at a first love especially when it seems so perfect?

[Zoya]

This rlly is a second chance...I'm also hindu and i can say that she most probably has really strong feelings for you but she is forcing herself to deny them because of her parents...you have to understand that she is going to have to make a choice between you and her parents..specially if her parents are very strict and would like her to strictly marry another hindu. What about your parents...your wondering about this second chance at love..but lets say she somehow "convinces" her parents, would your parents accept her? If they dont, are you willing to against them? will she be ok with marrying you knowing that she is the reason you are no longer close to your family? The reason why i am saying all this is because i have a cousin who married a christian girl...all of us were fine with it except for his mom...and it really created a big issue. not only for the couple but the entire family...

If you guys find that your love is strong enough to go agaisnt both family's and live happily then only should you go ahead...or else in the end you will do more harm than good...to urselfs and the existing relationships you have presently...

Hope that helps!

[Sleed]

I think that you as a man must go your own way , if you marry the one your parents want , they dont care, they dont have to live with the pain you feel because you are not with your first love. So keep in mind that you are the only one that will carry that pain inside you , no1 in your family will live the existence of your full sadness. Knowing this .... i think you must do all that you can to please your emotional reality. That is what you want also from what you wrote. God wont punish you for following your heart , because the love you feel for her is god sent , right ? Go your own way, convince her (your love) to come your way. Imagine the alternative, marrying a girl you dont love, but only like, that will fade away in 1 or 2 years and you will have some1 you are not into ... and you will think about the gril you love a lot.

[IndiReloaded]

Tell her your thoughts and feelings. Discuss the religion issue openly. You are both mature professionals. If you can't do this, no way you will ever have a successful marriage.

[bloomingdale]

so i think we've come to the conclusion that we cant be with each other. We still love each other, hold each other (no more than that), hang out everyday despite being tired after a 14 hour shift. We just spend time together hoping someone of our religions will come along soon. It's a sad sad affair because it's just a matter of time till we can't be with one another =(