Okay. I want to keep this short but I dont think I can. i want you to know enough so that you have enough information to give me a legit answer. There seems to be a good amount of females so thats a plus. So please be ready to read.
So first let me tell you a little about her.
She's had a rough childhood when it came to her school peers. Shes been bullied and teased so rough because she had short hair and they ridiculed her that its left her hating boys. Of course as she grew older she's not as closed minded and doesnt run away from every guy anymore ( she told me before, when I asked her how it would of been like if we met years ago and she said ' I was in my boy hating time, i would of ran away and hid behind my dad. ' ) So she takes guys who're strangers to her and won't let her guard down. I'm fine with that.
Shes in highschool and since she got into highschool she actually became popular with both girls and some boys ( still has short hair ) which shocked her. Everyone was calling her cute and cool. But this didnt really change her ( girls who can change easily just because of that kind of ego inflation suck ) She's had a ex boyfriend before which she seriously regrets having and wishes it never happened.. With me tho, she seemed comfortable off the bat. Which surprised her. She never met a guy who was able to make her feel as safe (as she would feel with girl friends )so suddenly. She's quiet IRL and compensates for writing ALOT online and I love that. I write just as much and even more and she loves it. We would write 4-8k word long essays to one another. Yeah. I know.
For months now Ive gotten super close to this girl, we just love eachothers company. We would wait for eachother to get home so we can have eachother all to ourselves. And we'd do this for months, every day, all the time. And she just told me how she wouldnt be this happy.. and that ever since talking to me she's just been a happier person. She's not a emo or depressed person mind you, but sometimes you just start feeling really happy right?
She then starts to say things, " I really like you... " just randomly. And i'm not dense, so I know whats been going on between us. and eventually it became " I love you " and she hates that word. She hates it but she knows thats how she feels about me so regardless of hating it she'll say it. I love her too. So I told her that.
So months pass and were still so much in love. She told me tho, exams are coming up. And she's VERY studious. Which I love about her. I told her school is a priority, and even tho I'll feel bad, I'm fine being 2nd to school. Its her future after all. She told me during exam-time (for her she studies all month ) she goes into a exam-mode where she'll cut off most communication and just try her best to study. And that she may appear un-cute for a while, but to not stop loving her. She was warning me. And I havent forgotten.
So June comes, and I'm sad that I can't have her as much as I always could.. But I know this was coming and its a obstacle im going to have to survive. I told her ill be leaving her essay long mesasges regardless of her replying back or not. That they'll be there for her for when she comes back. That she's always on my mind and i'm leaving these for her for support, for when she needs a break she can go and read one of them. I would also leave text messages to her iPhone, supportive ones and small messages about whats going on in my side of my life. She said that she had to resort to turning off her phone completely during her study periods because my messages were too tempting
She said it was different this year, shes usually super stressed but for some reason having me around made her much calmer. Still stressed. But calmer. We talk for a bit and she has to go back into studying. Throughout June we would do this. She goes and studies, and when she has a break ( few days of being gone ) she would message me. It felt like months since last we spoke. And she felt so shy telling me " I love you " eventually we get back into our groove and we talk like before. Its one week before her final week of exams. June 22nd. Her Birthday. and the final exam is n the 29th. We talk like before, tells me that " i know I dont tell you this, but remember even if I dont say it, I love you okay?" and " Soon Ill be all yours again! " sweet stuff like that.
I'm behind on her birthday present which I made myself. She gave me something handmade and I loved it. So I spent the week where it was her final week of exams working on this. If you want to nkow what it is ill tell you and itll be in a different size so you can ignore this part if you want:
I made her a book. I took a sketch book ( we both love arts, but im a biomedical engineer student regardesss haha ) and made my own custom cover ontop of the books hard cover. it was a sketch book, with writings in it in the front page and the rest of the book was All our messages, printed out, and put into the pages. From the very beginning, til how far the pages let me. I wanted to atleast end at the part where she says " I love you " for the first time but the pages werent enough. This book doesnt evne cover 25% of our messages. I also added in a CD, with songs that mean alot to us, and songs that would remind me of her. And on the final track I made my own track. A message from me to her. Telling her about the gifts, what I went through to do them for the first part, and the 2nd part is about her, her birthday, how much she means to me, and that i'm thank ful. I'll add pictures if you want.
So the 29th happens. I figured okay, shes done exams. She should come back. But nothing.
I'm a very possessive, obsessive and clingy/attached person and ive known this from past realtionships. I know these flaws and ive been working on them since freshman highschool with my 2nd girlfriend that I actually cared about. Yeah I have these flaws, I admit them, and I'm working on them. ITs slow, its hard, its painful, but I'm doing it. Because I know that its worth it if I know i'll be able to hold onto her because I, myself, became stronger.
So since I hear nothing on the 29th, I figured. Shes stressed, she loves being alone, so shes probably just trying to unwind. And on the 30th I hear nothing either. She ignores our iphone msgs ( we use an App called Kakao to talk , shows us if messages are read or not ) and she ignores the site we use to send those long essay length messages. She is always on twitter tho.
I find her there, with a few recent tweets. Now i'm afraid. I dont want to seem like " i had to find you, nwo I found you, come back " because.. You just dont do that. I wait a bit, and I ask her whats up. She seems really.. Not like what I'm used too. She said she went to sleep right after the exams, then woke up and went out with friends as they had an appointment since last week to hang out. she also had things to do yesterday, and she jsut wants to be at home and be alone. I askd her..
" Are you always like this after exams? "
"Yeah. I dont know how you handle all this (her being moody) but just wait till I get back to normal."
I asked her about the messaging and I got.
"Yep, I have to get back into it. Feels like I haven't talked to you for months. I don't know what to tell you"
( we were only not talking for 7 days )
She says earlier that day that
"Im on vacation now but im still stressed. I just want people to forget me for a while. "
The girl is silly, I can never jsut forget her.. Its not that easy.
But I understand her, but do my emotions? No. I want to give her space. And thats what I'm doing. I'm silently looking after her through twitter, but won't leave msgs because she needs to breath. I'm waiting for her to come back.
She doesnt know when she'll just be fine, and when she'll be back to writing long messages again and read y to have me back in her life.
What I'm afraid is. I want to give her space. Its what she wants. But I don't know how much space. I don't want to disappear and just wait for her to message because im afraid if I disappear her feelings for me, since i'm just absent in her life, will get burried over the new things she comes across.
But I was thinking I should just give her some space, but still do the small talk on twitter. It'll maintain my presence in her life.. And maybe it'll quickly get her in the mood to talk more. But I'm afraid we'll be stuck as a " hi, whats up? ok cool lol " relationship..
In the end I'm afraid we'll lose the closeness that we had. I know that this is temporary, her way of feeling like this, but it might cause some side effects to our relationship if she feels too distant (" Feels like we havent spoke to eachother in months. I dont know what to tell you " the 'IDK what to tell you' part confuses me.. Does she mean she doesnt know what to say other than she isnt in the mood for it? Or that she doesnt know what to say to me specifically? ) I sent her gift out already but I dont know when it'll come to her. I'm actually hoping it'll rekindle the feeling and change her mood swings.
People of this forum.. What do you suppose I do?
Ive gone to friends and ive gotten excellent advice, but I just need more. Thanks for reading, and I'll be watching this thread.