My relationship story. Need help.

[Alex07]

Hi, i'm new here at trying to seek some help. Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years now, she's studying in my town most of the year, but now on holidays she goes back to her hometown 1000km away. I'm 23 years old, and she is 21. The 1st year and a half it was all magic, we were deeply in love and rarely any fighting occurred, we seemed to get along nicely and actually see a future together. She's beautiful, cute and I really love her, my parents love her also, and so does her family love me. About a year or so ago, we started fighting almost everyday for stupid stuff, it's not lies, cheating, violence, etc. It's really about small and stupid stuff like for example: I'm studying at home and she asks me to go help her buying groceries or something, and i tell her i cannot at the moment because i'm studying and i really need to finish this, if you can wait like 1-2 hours then maybe i can go. And she starts saying "no, forget about it i'll go alone, you don't like me, you never help me when i need help". And she gets mad and that lasts for 1-2 days, I try not to argue about it and have patience and forget about it so things don't get worse. To be honest, i'm a very "anti-discussion" guy, I very RARELY argue about something, only if it's really serious. 99% of the time, she's the one who starts arguing, and most of the time it's about those things.

This happens lately like 2 times a week, and sometimes its really bad. She has very low self-esteem, each time i tell her i love her, and that she's beautiful she says "no i'm not, you are, but i'm not, sometimes i think i don't deserve you". The first times i heard this i just tried to support her even more and told her "no, you are really beautiful for me" and eventually she stops saying bad things about her. But more and more she started talking bad about her, and when we fought for about 2-3 times, she even said that she didn't want to live anymore, that she didn't deserve me, no one liked her, she wanted to kill herself, etc. Hearing all that stuff really got me sad for a long time, and even if i kept being supportive, and things would get a bit better later, she would come back with the same story again and again. I even told her she was hurting my feelings for saying those bulls**t things, that was childish, and that she must not treat herself like that. When I tell her she's being childish she says "oh i'm childish for you? Then why are you with me? Go find some other girl who isn't childish". And i really get sad when she says those things again. I try to be patient, not argue and not make things worse because i love her, but sometimes i really cannot because i'm tired of listening to the same things again and again. We fight, we don't talk for 2 days or so, we say sorry to each other, things get better, then 3-4 days later another discussion happens. It already happened for a couple of times that we fight for stupid things, and I know what caused it, I know it was her, but I just assume the fault and say "I'm sorry honey, it was my fault, i hope you can forgive me." Just so the arguing stops there, and the same old story doesn't happen again. Also, she's jealous if I talk to another women, specially from my university class, or if I meet some girl friend of her and after I say to her "She's really friendly and nice to talk to, she even watches that same series I do, you should have a look at it, it's really nice even if it's not your style." - and she answers something like - "Oh she's nice and friendly and likes to watch that same series? Then go watch with her in bed and be "nice" with her." - To that i really need to bring my patience up and try not to argue, but sometimes i just cannot. She has a lot of friends, male friends even, and i completely trust her, I know how she is, she's not some bitch, she's just very friendly and likes to socialize, either with men or women and I know that, so I have absolute no problem with her talking to men or even have a coffee with them or something, It's fine for me, even though a few of them liked her in the past, I know I trust her so I don't get jealous with that, I can even joke with that a few times and it's ok. But I simply cannot talk to any other girl, things like these happen.

I'm going to be honest here, I almost have no friends. She's truly my best friend as well as girlfriend. I told her things that I would never tell anyone, she knows me inside out, and I know her the same way. When we are not fighting, things are good, we talk a lot about everything, we have a great time, we have great sex, everything's great. But these good things, i feel they are less common more and more often. I look back and I really get depressed, I'm almost crying right now while writing, because things were so good in the start, and now they are falling apart more and more often. We had 2 really HUGE fights that were her fault again, and I almost broke-up with her because i couldn't hear anymore all those bad things she thought about her, or the distorted way she see things, or the lack of logic in her way of thinking. She's 21 and only daughter, so I know only-sons are a bit spoiled, and to be honest she's a bit spoiled, but that combined with her way of thinking just completely takes things out of control sometimes. She gets really sad and depressed when she says bad things about her, or when we fight, and seeing that kills me on the inside also because i love her, and i'm supposed to make her happy, and I cannot.

I tried so many things to stop this non-sense and nothing worked. Yesterday she argued with me again just because I completed my car license and was going to celebrate it with my parents with a dinner at a japanese restaurant. She's away in her hometown island, of course she cannot come with me, so she says "You never took me to a japanese restaurant, you don't like me, I just make people sad, I should really shut up and not bore you anymore" - to which i responded "Honey, stop saying those things please, i'll take you to a japanese when you come back I promise. And you DON'T BORE ME, I love you, stop saying bad things about you, that makes me sad also." - Then she answers "Yeh I only make you sad, I've never made you happy, you should find another girl who doesn't bore you, or that doesn't make you sad. I should just be burried in the earth." And she hasn't talked to me yet until right now. This happens a lot as I've explained. She's been childish, but I simply CANNOT tell her she's being childish, simply because that would make another arguing appear, make her more sad, etc.

When stuff like this happens lately, when I go to bed I just start crying because I see no solution for this. As i said I tried breaking up 2 times, but then I started thinking how bad, depressed, and utterly sad she would be if I did that. Also how sad her family would be, how sad my family would be specially my mother who loves her so much, and what if she could really do something crazy if I broke up with her. I start crying and thinking of solutions for this, then I remember the best memories we had and keep crying, and there I am in bed crying like crazy in complete silence without knowing what to do. The next day I just gave her a really long text, trying again to make her see that we need to stop arguing, to see what's wrong, and to believe in herself and in me if she really loves me. She cries like hell, ends up saying sorry and promising that she will try for it not to happen again. Needless to say, 1 week later the arguing returns.

I've ran out of solutions, and I really don't know what to do. I feel that my love for her has decreased with so much arguing and problems. She even told me the other day "i hope one day we can live together in our own apartment and be happy together «3". I instantly cried because I wanted that to happen but it seemed just a dream that will never happen if things keep like this, and I know that. I just responded "I hope that too honey «3" and kept crying. I now don't know if I miss her or not, I don't know if I should keep like this or not, I don't know if I can handle this much longer. And the problem is, I know she misses me, I know she loves me deeply, I know she trusts me. And everything feels so twisted.

I keep thinking "What if I breakup? What will happen? Will she be fine eventually? Will she find another guy who can make her happy even if it takes some time? Will her self-esteem improve with age and maturity?" I just want her to be truly happy and have a solid relationship without all this crap in between. As for me I'm not an attractive guy, but she finds me attractive and likes everything about me, she says i'm cute, beautiful, super intelligent, sexy, smart, "sex-beast", etc. For me i'm not half of those, she is my first girlfriend and I often think that if I break up i'll never find a girlfriend ever in my life, because i'm shy, not attractive, etc.
But in the end I love her so much that I just don't know if I keep fighting for something that only herself can fight for, or if I should just let her go, even if it would cost me this world and beyond, I know I would get really depressed and would miss her forever, and that I would never find someone like her ever again.

Sorry about the long post, a bit too much emotional for me.

Hope someone can help.

[Lovelytips]

thats really a sad one indeed and from your post you love her so much and wouldnt want to loose her. i would like to recomend this post to you.
i believe its going to be of great help to you. And i realy hope it does because it pains me to see this kind of situation. Good luck

[cheekxs]

Did you not open a topic about this already. Or do people go true the same thing on this website. ........

And maybe its time to break up.

Love and in love are 2 different things. many people dont even know what they are talking about.
In love is the beginning when you are crazy about the person and wants to date it and be around it .
Its a feeling. It can end after days, weeks, 0-5 years (something like that.).
After that in love feeling it can become love or NOTING( you are not crazy anymore about the person.

Love is not a feeling. And there are things that you can recognize love.

Many people scream love love. And force themselves to stay with the person for 10000000000 years.
While there is noting there.
If it doesn't work out. just break up!
Let her work on her self esteem!
Some relationships become love, and ome ends cause people are not inlove anymore,

[Petit Papillon]

It looks like she's depressed. Didn't you both consider finding her some professional help? It doesn't mean she needs to take meds straight away, but maybe there are things she has to figure out.