Problems with the past

[klb92]

Hi,

Before I explain the issue and ask for some solutions, I want to make crystal clear that breaking up isn't an option!!! I don't want to do that, just help really

So I've been with my boyfriend for 5months and when we argue its about the same thing...before we were together I had a mad few months and on nights out kissed various different guys. But then my, now, boyfriend came along and my mad stage ended and I went back to my normal self and I'm happily hooked to my boyfriend. However, he has a real issue with the fact, as he calls it, I had a slutty few months and can't understand why I 'changed' when we got together.

I've tried telling him that he wasn't like the other guys, I actually wanted to be with him because we'd talked before, we had a laugh and something about him was just different! You know, like when you just have a gut feeling and can't explain it?!

Well he insists that he can't get it out of his head and that it makes him sick etc, but that he wanted help to try and get around it.

Anyone got any advice??? I don't really want people to judge me, I'm not like that and never was before my mad phase during a bit of uni, I just want to help my boyfriend if possible!

Thanks in advance

[Boisdevie]

This is a real problem for your BF and until he can deal with it your relationship might not work. In the real world what you did before you started going out with him is none of his business but if he can't cope with that then it's going to be rocky. To be brutally frank he sounds like he's lacking in self confidence.

[Cerby]

What is happening is you're being "slut shamed". It is a form of emotional control that is executed by friends, family, significant others where they bring up the past (usually before they were around) and make you feel bad for it, even though they have no right to do so. Sometimes those doing it don't even realize it.

I wouldn't help him if I were you, I'd let him sort this out on his own, it doesn't matter if you kissed the previous guys for f***ed them, it really isn't his business. Let him battle these demons alone, because the more you help him the more you play into the "slut shame" game that he is playing (he might not know he is doing it, but he is). His only beef he is allowed to have is if you still hang out with these guys or see them (romantically or not), but it doesn't sound like you are. That is all I can say for you, just don't bring it up, don't talk about it, let him deal with it. Believe it or not, it may be your past, but this isn't your problem.

[Melina]

Don't let any man put you down for things that you have done in your life, particularly prior to meeting them. Everyone does things in their past that other people have opinions on but those things, good, bad or indifferent, helped to make you who you are today. Cerby is dead right, this isn't your problem. It will become so however if you adapt your behaviour as a direct result of what he is saying/ doing, I know because I've been in a relationship that started out just as you describe and ended with him beating me several years later when I finally tired of conforming....

Be careful how you react to this, take time to think it through and above all, be safe!

[Kit]

I've noticed that 99% of the time, people who are super jealous are feeling bad because of something they're doing and trying to justify it to themselves. So there's a chance he may be cheating.

Kissing other boys is nothing. It's really stupid that he's upset about it.