I have seen a large amount of "Am I Friendzoned?" posts in the past few weeks, so I'll write my thoughts on it and see if it helps anyone. I have been there in the past before I learned the simple rules to attraction and dating, so this is from some experience of my own and a lot of reading and posting on this forum. I tried to post this to advice but that forum is locked down to admins only.
Edits/Notes
- For the people who are actually attracted to someone, if you're just looking for a friend, then the "friendzone" is a pretty good place to be. Searock has some valid contradictory points below as well.
- There is no exact science for relationships, this is based on my experience as well as a lot of what I have read. Many of you will disagree with some of these points, feel free to post those thoughts.
- I'm not trying to tell people exactly how it is, every situation is different, but I find many of these guidelines are in place most of the time you feel you're in the zone.
What is the Friendzone?
The Friendzone is a place where men who don't have the confidence to make the move on the girl they like feel they are placed. Often they feel they were put here, and fail to realize that the situation they're in is completely of their own doing. You can identify you're in the friendzone a number of different ways: (these are just some)
- The girl you're spending your time with starts talking about personal things like her cycles, medical problems, etc.
- When she contacts you, she starts talking to you like a buddy instead of a potential relationship partner.
- She starts telling you about other guys she may be interested in.*
- She invites you shopping, to the flea market, out with her girlfriends, etc BEFORE you're in a relationship.*
- You talk daily, but aren't making any progress towards sex, or a relationship.
The "Friendzone" Myth
The friendzone is more of a myth than a reality, simply explained, the girl doesn't actually know what the friendzone is. She hasn't decided to put you there, but instead has inadvertantly allowed you to place yourself there. When you start hanging around a new girl, you are expected to make a move on her or ask her on a date after seeing her a few times. After this window passes, she will start to lose interest in you as a partner and see your good qualities as a friend. Once this happens you're in many ways screwed (and not in the good way). You start to become valuable as a friend, and she will no longer consider dating you. This is where most of you are when you finally post here. (Note that this is situational, there are many long time friends that DO get together after some time as friends, but I wouldn't gamble on it).*
Getting out of the "Friendzone"
Getting out of the friendzone isn't really a challenge, but the people who are here lack confidence and action to do so, this is the reason why it all started in the first place. The longer you wait, the less chance you have for success. You need to accept that as long as you have feelings for her, the friendship is a lie you keep telling yourself, and you need to be willing to accept losing if it your action doesn't go well.
Make a plan, know your words, practice them in front of a mirror, and tell her how you feel. You need to be unyielding in your feelings no matter the outcome. If you're lucky, she'll reciprocate, and if you're not, she'll tell you she doesn't feel the same way. If she doesn't feel the same way, you'll need to make the difficult choice to end the friendship and move on. You may not believe it, but this is better for you. If you distance yourself from this emotion, in time it will fade away.
Avoiding the "Friendzone" in the first place
This is the most important thing to know. If you are interested in a woman, you need to let her know. The simplest way is to ask them out on a date, (using the word "date" removes all misinterpretation of your intentions) and to do it within a couple of weeks of realizing you're interested in this person. Do not sit back and hope she'll feel the same way and act on it, you are in control when you make the move. If she says she isn't interested, then you have saved yourself weeks/months of heartache and wasted time.
I hope this is of some help to someone. Please feel free to add and tell me where I have erred.
Last edited by Cerby; 19-07-12 at 11:49 PM.
Reason: small changes
The ladder theory is a funny, scientific explanation of how men and women
are attracted to each other. It also covers such topics as why women
sometimes just want to be friends but men always want sex. It is based upon
many years of sociological field testing, and was first conceptualized in
1994 in Exeter, CA by Dallas Lynn with acknowledgements to Jared Whitson for
his role in formalizing the theory.
The Friendzone is a place where men who don't have the confidence to make the move on the girl they like feel they are placed. Often they feel they were put here, and fail to realize that the situation they're in is completely of their own doing. You can identify you're in the friendzone a number of different ways: (these are just some)
- The girl you're spending your time with starts talking about personal things like her cycles, medical problems, etc.
- When she contacts you, she starts talking to you like a buddy instead of a potential relationship partner.
- She starts telling you about other guys.
- She invites you shopping, to the flea market, out with her girlfriends, etc.
- You talk daily, but aren't making any progress towards sex, or a relationship.
Ok, but these things also apply to the real friends (male or female) of the girl in question, those who aren't attracted to her and just like to be her actual friends.
When you start hanging around a new girl, you are expected to make a move on her or ask her on a date after seeing her a few times.
That is, if you are attracted to the girl and want to date her in the first place. Otherwise you are most definitely not expected to do that!
You start to become valuable as a friend, and she will no longer consider dating you.
This is false. It's not always the case. For me, being my friend is actually a huge bonus. If a guy is my friend, I am more likely to develop strong, deep feelings for him - even if I only saw him as a friend for a long time. My boyfriend was actually my best friend for a long time, I used to see him ONLY as a friend, I wasn't attracted to him at all - and then (after about 6 months of close friendship) it just happened, I started being attracted to him and eventually I confessed my feelings to him. Which he did not reciprocate at first... but an year and a half later, we got together and now we've been together for over an year. I may be an exception, but I don't really think so. A close, intimate friendship is, in my opinion, the best possible foundation for a strong loving relationship.
You need to accept that as long as you have feelings for her, the friendship is a lie you keep telling yourself, and you need to be willing to accept losing if it your action doesn't go well.
I completely agree with this. "Friends" who only stick around in hopes of eventually getting to date you aren't friends at all. They are just too scared to make a move, which is in itself a huge turn off by the way. If you were friends before, and only after a while developed feelings for her, then if you are a true close friend you should still let her know. Same goes for girls of course!
If she doesn't feel the same way, you'll need to make the difficult choice to end the friendship and move on. You may not believe it, but this is better for you. If you distance yourself from this emotion, in time it will fade away.
Avoiding the "Friendzone" in the first place
This is the most important thing to know. If you are interested in a woman, you need to let her know. The simplest way is to ask them out on a date, (using the word "date" removes all misinterpretation of your intentions) and to do it within a couple of weeks of realizing you're interested in this person. Do not sit back and hope she'll feel the same way and act on it, you are in control when you make the move. If she says she isn't interested, then you have saved yourself weeks/months of heartache and wasted time.
I agree. If it is *you* who is interested, then why wait to make a move? This goes for males and females alike.
As a rule, I do not agree with the validity of the "ladder theory". I've had and witnessed too many different experiences contradicting it. There are however, unfortunately, people (male and female) who "classify" people of the opposite sex into two categories... guys who are JUST friends and will never be anything else (or girls who are unattractive and will always be), and guys who are potential partners (or hot girls). Both categories are silly IMO, because as one gets to know a person, they might find themselves so attached to them that they will start feeling attraction. I've had men tell me that it has happened to them as well, so it's not just because I'm a girl that I believe this. Anyway yeah, for such people, unfortunately, I guess the ladder theory is a pretty good schematization of the way it is.
Forgive me if dont take advice from someone who is obviously a closet homosexual, that has an over inflated sense of his own importance. For whats its worth, i never even read it. Im with the crazy with the funny hair. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Good post, cerby. I will pin this thread up for other members.
If its a good post it will stay at the top. If its a load of shite it will end up in the bottom of hell, where it deserves to be. Absolute patronising dross. Just my opinion. If only i had your evil powers mr loveadmin.
Searock you are rare in how you deal with male friends. The majority of females DON"T want to date a guy that is in the friends zone. I speak from experience I have never had a BF that started out as a"friend" where I developed feelings for...ever, so I am part of that majority. When I meet someone I know right away whether they are BF material or not....instant attraction. I'm a pretty confident (assertive) person so I suspect that could be a reason why I am the way I am when it comes to dating.....I like them I make them know it. I don't use guys friends as a dating pool.....I have never been confused between emotional attraction and sexual attraction. Sorry but the ladder theory speaks for a large majority but not everyone...again you are a very rare female.
The ladder theory is a funny, scientific explanation of how men and women
are attracted to each other. It also covers such topics as why women
sometimes just want to be friends but men always want sex. It is based upon
many years of sociological field testing, and was first conceptualized in
1994 in Exeter, CA by Dallas Lynn with acknowledgements to Jared Whitson for
his role in formalizing the theory.
There is nothing scientific about ladder theory. It's a load of horse shit.
As far as the post above, this is retarded.
- The girl you're spending your time with starts talking about personal things like her cycles, medical problems, etc.
My girlfriend talks to me about her personal things. Then I fuck the shit out of her.
- When she contacts you, she starts talking to you like a buddy instead of a potential relationship partner.
What the hell does this even mean? She talks to you like "a potential relationship partner". Wtf?
- She starts telling you about other guys.
This would almost be consistently true, but it still sucks. She could be complaining about the other guys.
- She invites you shopping, to the flea market, out with her girlfriends, etc.
I've never been with a woman who didn't take me out with her girlfriends... or to the flea market. And I've boned all of them. Yep, that's right. Every single woman I've ever met, ever.
- You talk daily, but aren't making any progress towards sex, or a relationship.
What about all those couples that have been friends for years and then ended up being together? Eh?
There is nothing scientific about ladder theory. It's a load of horse shit.
As far as the post above, this is retarded.
My girlfriend talks to me about her personal things. Then I fuck the shit out of her.
You're already with her, if she wasn't talking about personal things, then your relationship would be ****ed.
What the hell does this even mean? She talks to you like "a potential relationship partner". Wtf?
Once a chick starts speaking to you the way you speak to your buddies before you've slept with her, you're starting to end up where most of these people posting about the friendzone are.
This would almost be consistently true, but it still sucks. She could be complaining about the other guys.
She could also be talking about anything male related, you know exactly what I mean.
I've never been with a woman who didn't take me out with her girlfriends... or to the flea market. And I've boned all of them. Yep, that's right. Every single woman I've ever met, ever.
Then you're not so much of pussy that you won't wait to make a move, so this doesn't apply to you.
What about all those couples that have been friends for years and then ended up being together? Eh?
Absolutely, but how often do you think that actually happens? 1/20 relationships? Do you want these poor fools who don't have the confidence to make a move wait to see if they're one of the few that make it into the relationship?
I've made a few changes, despite the "snip" in your post.