My Blood Is Boiling Right Now...I Need Advice

[Tirepressure20]

I don't even know where to begin. I am so upset right now I can feel my heart beating in my throat.

I have been kind of seeing this girl I work with. We get along great and she seemed like a nice sweet girl. She was going through a rough patch in her life and made "bad decisions" where she slept with another one of our co-workers and gave up her virginity to him. She's 21 and regretted it. The guy she had sex with is kind of a scum bag and he basically talked her into it and she regrets it. Well after that, she dated this other guy for about 6 months before she broke up with him because of how he treated her and other things.

This whole time we have been friends and would talk and have a really good time. We started hanging out a lot and have been taking our relationship to the next level physically. We've been having sex and stuff but have been keeping our relationship quiet at work because work-relationships aren't allowed by the company. We have been doing this for about 4 or 5 months and are growing closer.

I have been hesitant to call her my girlfriend because I was hurt about a year ago really badly. I told her this and we discussed it and she understood. I just want to wait and see how things go before I start dating again.

I went out to a restaurant for lunch with my friends from work and while we were leaving we saw another guy we work with. As we passed by when we were leaving we said by to him, and there she was. It was just the two of them, as if they were on a date! I just said hi to the guy and couldn't even look at her and just pretended she wasn't there. Partly because of embarrassment. I just wanted to be someplace else far far far away because it was so awkward.

I know that she wasn't cheating on me by definition because she isn't my girlfriend, but I thought we were seeing each other with the mindset that we were progressing to that level. She would always tell me how special I am and how much she likes being with me, and here she is with another guy that we work with!

I don't know what to do? I am obviously hurt. I thought she was this sweet girl who had a good head on her shoulders but maybe not. Maybe she is just playing other guys like she did to me and just telling them what they want to hear.

I need advice. What should I do? We are both off these next two days. Should I wait for her to talk to me? Do I have the right to be mad? Or hurt? Should I ignore her for a few days and give me time to calm down? Right now I just want answers. I want to know if she is doing the same thing to him as she is to me. Should I ask her to be honest and let me know where she stands with him and where she stands with me? Ugh, I don't know what to do.

Please please please respond with advice!

[Maple1714]

You have the right to feel whatever you feel...but I will tell you if you really like a girl and you are sleeping together...make it serious if you don't want her seeing anyone else. Girls sometimes tend to have "back-ups" -other guys to spend time with/sleep with - when the one they really want wont commit. I think girls with lower self-esteem tend to do this more. Soooo make it serious if you want and if you don't want it to be a monogamous/more serious relationship then let her go and stop sleeping wit her. Don't wait to talk to her...just call her up and tell her how it made you feel when you saw her with this other guy and ask her if she is sleeping with anyone else etc. Make a decision about what you want and then ask her what she wants. At this point it's been 4-5 months you say? So just be totally honest and upfront. Sex complicates things...that for sure!

[Tirepressure20]

UPDATE: She just texted me and said "Hey there lol" As if she has no idea how awkward that was and everything is just fine. I don't even know what to respond with.

[Tirepressure20]

You have the right to feel whatever you feel...but I will tell you if you really like a girl and you are sleeping together...make it serious if you don't want her seeing anyone else. Girls sometimes tend to have "back-ups" -other guys to spend time with/sleep with - when the one they really want wont commit. I think girls with lower self-esteem tend to do this more. Soooo make it serious if you want and if you don't want it to be a monogamous/more serious relationship then let her go and stop sleeping wit her. Don't wait to talk to her...just call her up and tell her how it made you feel when you saw her with this other guy and ask her if she is sleeping with anyone else etc. Make a decision about what you want and then ask her what she wants. At this point it's been 4-5 months you say? So just be totally honest and upfront. Sex complicates things...that for sure!

Thanks for the reply! Thanks for the insight that girls have back ups for when guys they want won't commit. She definitely has self esteem issues compared to most girls and I always thought she was the quiet shy type. So maybe she is more inclined to have back ups. I partly blame myself because I haven't committed to her yet, so she is technically free to do whatever she wants.

If I do have the talk with her about becoming exclusive, should this incident be a red flag? When we first started hanging out she was still with her boyfriend technically, but they were on the verge of breaking up. So I guess you could say she cheated on him with me because it wasn't until like a week after we made out and hung out that she actually broke up with him.
So even though she didn't cheat on me, should I still hold this against her, the fact that she had another guy as a backup?

[smackie9]

Oh good lord she was having lunch with a co-worker. I'm married and I go out for lunch with male co-workers all the time...like I ask my husband for permission. I even go out for a beer once in awhile with them. My god it's just frickin lunch..... you don't own her she can have lunch with whomever she wants. You need to grow up and get over your insecurities. If you really like this girl stop being a wus and make it official. And get over this lunch thing....it's not a red flag....you are totally over reacting!

[pisces25]

I don't think I could date anyone that texts 'hey there lol'. Wtf is that..

[Tirepressure20]

I don't think I could date anyone that texts 'hey there lol'. Wtf is that..

Haha good point. Any advice on what I should say?

[Maple1714]

I am not sure this other guy is a backup....only you know what the situation is first hand. I was just reading into what you said. So before you jump to any conclusions just talk with her about it. Ask her in a nice way...have an adult conversation about your feelings. Like smakie said it was just lunch...so whatever. the bigger issue is that you did feel something when you saw her with someone else....bc you obviously like her. Sooo figure out what you want, but don't take too long bc you might loose her to a backup.

[cheekxs]

Howold are you? you sound so childish,

And i think you rushed to much into her.
She barely had relationship with your collegea and you already hanging on her lips.

So blame yourself.
And she was just there with another co worker , so whats wrong with that?
Where they kissing?

and i think you all are a mess! and they need to fire you all for having sex and shit with each other instead of keeping it professional!\
this kind of stuff will influence your work 2.

stop looking for gilrs in your job, and start working!
keep private and home separate. Thats why your work doenst want this kind of shit.

[smackie9]

Basically you told her you were not ready for a relationship because of blah blah blah. Now put yourself in her shoes......what impression would you get if a girl you really were interested in said that to you? Think about what she has been through with the last two guys...they used her. So here you are boinkin her for months and you turn her down for a relationship. She's the one that has been hurt in the past and she isn't going to fall into that trap again. So I don't blame her for "having lunch" with someone else.

[toknow]

Well, there is a simple rule of thumb in relationships: If it doesn't look proper don't do it (meaning girl/guy doing things with someone other than their bf/gf)

Doesn't look good at all to me. She might have been with him discussing a job, etc, but not only is it highly unlikely, she should have made it clear to you, so there are no misunderstandings. If she doesn't care enough to let you know, so you don't get the wrong idea, she doesn't love you. If you matter to her a lot, she would have gone out of her way to let you know, and she herself would have felt uncomfortable with the situation. And even though you didn't say you were together as a couple, things you do and say to each other imply it and lead you on. To say, you aren't together because you didn't say it verbally is ridiculous. Because if you do everything a couple does, then what else are you.

And do you really think she would have acted any different if you had called her your girlfriend. That's just a label and doesn't mean anything without actions. Actions on the other hand without words are still as valid. And she would have still gone out with that guy even if you called her your girlfriend. Words don't matter much, actions do. You can say you are going to the moon, but it means nothing unless you get there.

[Cerby]

Basically you told her you were not ready for a relationship because of blah blah blah. Now put yourself in her shoes......what impression would you get if a girl you really were interested in said that to you? Think about what she has been through with the last two guys...they used her. So here you are boinkin her for months and you turn her down for a relationship. She's the one that has been hurt in the past and she isn't going to fall into that trap again. So I don't blame her for "having lunch" with someone else.

Pretty much what I was going to come into the thread with, I agree completely with this.

[smackie9]

Toknow if you have read the thread properly he turned her down for a committed relationship verbally. So this is casual with sex, just dating. And yes being official should be communicated so each person knows they are on the same page. Also "boundries" should be established in any kind of relationship. If everyone followed these rules then there would be no need for sites like this.

[toknow]

Smackie9, that says a lot about how you view sex, but it doesn't negate what I've written.

[Mish]

I know that she wasn't cheating on me by definition because she isn't my girlfriend, but I thought we were seeing each other with the mindset that we were progressing to that level. She would always tell me how special I am and how much she likes being with me, and here she is with another guy that we work with!

It sounds like you haven't really officially established that you are in a relationship with her, your assumption not withstanding, it's possible that she may view your interaction as casual and not committed. You need to have a relationship talk with her, if you want to take it to the next level.

Also, it's hard to say from the explanation what the deal was with her and the other guy in the restaurant, maybe it was a date, but maybe it was just two friends catching up. Don't jump to conclusions yet.