I feel socially isolated in this country

[Flowers]

I moved to this country where my partner lives. Its been 5 years. I think its a miracle I survived so far.

I am struggling with new language, new culture still. I dont have many friends

So I mostly hang around my partner's friends.

Now here is the thing that bugs me.

Many times we were around friends, and none of them( including my partner) even acknowledge that I am even present in the same room.
Only a few of them do, and they try to translate for me etc. Many of them do not speak English or my language. And my OH. He gets lost in his world around his friends. And I sit in corner.

Initially language was an issue, because, they all chatted in their language which I didnt speak so well then. My partner was so engrossed that didnt bother to translate or intrepret what was the conversations about. I would sit an hour and aftter that it started to get me....

And I felt so horrible, I ended up leaving the room ( with a smile, ofcourse so as not to ruin their social happy time) but I would sit infront of pc and hear them laugh chat etc and ended up crying at the end of day.

This thing happened many many times in the beginning.

I talked about it to my partner many times, that how bothered I am being left out etc. He just snapped by saying i want his attention etc. Well, with all respects, I do not demand any attention, maybe I over reacted by crying as I didnt have any better way to speak my heart out about feeling so horrible hearing people but not being able to converse etc.

But nothing changed much. Until now, I started speaking some language and getting myself into converstation so things are little better on that front.

Now,

there were two incidences that still occurred recently that bothered me. Please tell me if I am over-reacting?

My OH told me he is going for a walk with his buddy around the house. I didnt want to sit alone in the house, so I said I am also going and started walking towards the park.

My OH came with this buddy to the park ( OH knew I was going to park)

Do you know what he did?

He came with his buddy towards me and then introduced him and that buddy was nice, friendly etc)

But then my OH sat on a different parkbench with his buddy ( so again I was sitting alone on my bench right next to them)
I felt horrible, hearing them speak chat and I was looking at sky? so I asked, when we got home. Why did he not sit with me?

Ofcourse, three or more people could fit on same bench.

Do you think this was appropriate?
Or should I have left the guys alone to have the guy time? And I being too much?


I cried after I came home. I didnt know what to do.

Another incidence:

We were in restaurant and my friend was also there. So again, my OH sat in different bench with his buddy. And let me with my friend.

I felt offended, so I asked him politely, would you sit with us? So then, he did.

All this is running in my head and I feel horrible and I cry. I am a woman, I like to talk and be given attention and not ignored like this espeically in social settings.

Am I over reacting or this behaviour is inappropriate if you care for a person you share your life with?

[Boisdevie]

He is treating you with contempt. I suspect you are living in a culture where men typically treat women in such a way

[Flowers]

Is there anything I can do? I dont think its about culture here at all. Its specific to me more so as I do not speak the language etc

[VincenzoG91]

You have lived there for five years without learning the language? That's the problem right there. If you don't work harder at adapting to your new home, then you should go back to your home country. Your inability to speak the local language has made you too dependent on your guy, and it's suffocating. You should be able to make your own friends and pursue your own interests there, but you can't because you won't learn the language.

[smackie9]

Ya it is not his responsability for you to learn the language. Get off you butt and go take night classes to learn the language or order the rosetta stone CD collection and start learning. If you want to his attention, have date nights set aside where it's just the two of you and have one on one time, say twice a week.

Guys need their space to hang out with their buddies so stop being so clingy. Vince is right, once you learn the language you can make your own friends, and do your own thing so you are not so dependent on him to entertain you.

[smackie9]

My GF went through the same thing when she moved to Montreal. She felt isolated because she didn't know french. She took lessons, made friends, and got a job., It's just over a year now and she is speaking the language quite well. She is one determind lady, so if she can do it, you have no excuses.

[Flowers]

Excuse me, it was long post, I mentioned somewhere in between this thing. That because I learnt language things are easier.


Thanks for your time to reply

Yes, I am learning the language, and I did, therefore, things got better.

So now after five years, I can converse somehow very well.

Ofcourse, I all the time asked my partner to speak with me in his language, so I could learn even more faster, but he speaks only in English with me even till now all these years.

I am the only one who makes effort on that front.

Inspite of all this , I learnt the language by taking classes, speaking with local people etc.


But then...what about those two incidences that happened recently...I mentioned...What was that appropriate ?

Is it okay to let your partner sit on different bench all alone by themselves, while you sit and chat with your buddies?

Do I have right to be upset about it?

[smackie9]

I'm not going to judge his behavior, there is no need to. You need to look at the message he is trying to send you. He wanted alone time with his buddy. He wants you to go do your own thing, he wants his space once in awhile, and he wants you to be more independent. You want a relationship to work? reading the messages in his behavior is what you need to do, not sit there and complain about it.

[VincenzoG91]

Flowers, you're still suffocating him. You need to make your own friends and have your own activities or interests instead of just expecting your guy to give you attention every minute of every day. Learning the local language was an important first step, but you need to find a way to fit in, or at least interact more with a wider range of people. I don't know where you are living in right now, so that might not be as easy as it would be in a cosmopolitan place like London or New York City. But if you can't find more of a role for yourself there than some guy's girlfriend, you are going to continue to be unhappy. And he won't be happy either. Adapt or go home.

[smackie9]

There is nothing wrong with his behavior. It's NOT inappropriate. You have had 5 frickin YEARS! what the hell have you been doing all this time?

[Maple1714]

His behavior is cold though....he sat on a different park bench? That is just weird I think. If my BF sat on a different bench than me at the park and made it some awkward situation I would kick him to the curb. He ignores you when with his friends? I don't know...maybe you are too dependent on him and his trying to send you a message to be more independent. He should just tell you though...he should tell you what he is feeling instead of giving you the cold shoulder. Obvioulsy it hurts you if you go home and cry...and you shouldn't be upset. If you are upset then something needs to change. Just ask him what his deal is...and then maybe you need to move on, be by yourself, meet your own friends and a new guy.

Similar thing happened to my friend when she moved to New York City to be with her guy. He was very well established there already and she knew no one. They are both Russian. Anyway, he started to treat her the same way...but he told her how he felt. He told her to go make some of her own friends and become more cultured...and she did and they are much happier now. I still think he is a bit of a douche though.

[vashti]

I think his behavior was incredibly rude in the first scenario (leaving you alone while he sat with a friend), but in the second scenario, you were with a friend. That isn't the same as being alone.

[Petit Papillon]

I am just making so assumptions here... You moved to a country with a totally different culture and what so ever, because your family/partner made you do it. Are you even happy? Can you leave this place?

[Flowers]

Well, Iwas prepared for the move, althought, its quite a big move for me. I like learning the new language, new place and culture. And I needed soemone to speak with me in it and introduce me to it such as I can adapt! And I do understand that my OH cannot all the time teach me, so I took classes. And I speak with his famiy, his friends, etc. I slowly made my friends( but not that many) that really improved my situation. However, I just feel upset,that inspite of me talking about how I feel, my OH behaves like this at times.

Just last week, I decided to go with my friend to a festival, and I told my OH about it. He got intersted to go with me, so we decided to go together.Now, as soon as I got there, and met my friend, what my OH did?
He went straight to the guys he knew, and started talking with them. He didnt even tell me he is going. I found this very rude. I was walking and suddenly noticed it was just me and my friend, and OH had disappeared.

After 2-3 hours, I found him. So I politely asked him if he likes to join me for lunch. He said is not hungry but if I am going to bring lunch, I should bring for him too. It was just 5 minutes walk. I asked if he would join me and he said no! I found it rude.

Again after a couple of hours( he was talking to different guy friend then) and I was with my girl pals, he told me he is goign out with them for chat in tearoom. So he went. I cam there after sometime and joined them

I feel like its only me who is trying. I understand that I left my country. But then, I like that he would make me comfortable and not this.

[smackie9]

Tell him don't tell us what he is doing upsets you. If you have many times then it's obvious he is not the one to make you happy. Break up with him then and go back home.