Is it normal to feel like this? Please Help!

[bellemissy]

This is a bit complicated. Bear with me.

My bf and I have been in a relationship "officially" for 2.5yrs. (We met through a sporting activity and were seeing movies and things before this, but there was no holding hands, hugging (and certainly no kissing) before this so to me that is not really dating?) Things have always been ?unique? with us. Believe it or not it is the first relatiohsip either of us have had. All the way through though, I have had to instigate things eg even after we were 'officially' dating I had to practically ask him to hug me, then it took a couple of mths for him to get up the courage to kiss me and then it was so infrequently that I had a melt down thinking he didn't find me attractive. He is also an extreme scrooge which is a bit difficult especially seeing friends and family who are absolutely showered with affection and gifts from their partners. But that I can handle.

Anyway. I am 4yrs older than him and am starting to feel the pressure to 'settle down' ie be married. We have had numerous conversations about our life together and he brought up to me fairly early on that he was 'in it for the longterm, by that meaning marriage'. However, nothing happens.

Recently I have been copping some flack from my mother (who even went so far as to tell me she was worried about my eggs!). We have planned our life together, but it all seems like talk. I feel lonely, like I am having to do everything on my own. (I am paying off a house which I bought at the beginning of our relationship (ie it wasn't right for him to have anything to do with that) and am now looking at buying a business, and thought he would have some input in that as it would affect both of us, but he just says to 'do what is right for me'). He keeps talking about buying his house, and I asked him why he is buying 'his' house and not thinking about buying 'our' house. I have been pretty down about the whole thing, and sat down and had a good talk and he told me yes he wants to marry me and that he had been planning to propose on my 30th birthday (December), but that I have ruined that now.

I asked him why he hasn't asked me and he couldn't give me an answer. Some things he said were he had to get his stuff together (ie wanted to buy a house and have more money in the bank etc). That he sees marriage as instant kids and while he wants kids he doesn't want them right now (we have previously talked about kids also in the "5 year plan" but I certainly didn't want kids immediately after being married) Also that none of his friends were married yet (?! I don't see why this should factor in at all?!) and why was I in such a hurry. Then a couple of days later he went to a lunch with his friend who showed him an engagement ring he had bought for his girlfriend of 6mths, and he came back and said that he realises he has been a bit slack with things and that I should start leaving hints of what I would like for a ring.

But now I can't get out of my head that there must be a reason he hasn't asked, and if he does ask, is it only because I have pressured him into doing so? If it were up to me, I would have been engaged a year ago. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him, but I can't get the niggly though out of my head that maybe he isn't sure and that is why nothing has happened. And now he is only seriously thinking about it because I have said something, and his friend is proposing.

Honest opinions please.

[Maple1714]

We are the same age...and my boyfriend is 6yrs younger than me. We also live together in a house that I own by myself. I bought it before we met. We have a child together already so I guess we kind of skipped the whole marriage thing lol. I guess I don't really understand why you are in a rush to get married? Do you think marriage will seal the deal and then you can start having babies? Marriage is a big commitment and it seems like he just might not be ready yet? It's ok to take your time...there isn't some schedule you have to stick to in life. I do understand that you might want to have a baby though...but you still have some years. Don't put so much pressure on him. If you are ready to start a family now and he isn't then maybe he isn't the right guy for you?

[cheekxs]

you talk about your house. and r mad when he talk about his house instaed of our house.so u do the same!and it sound like u want to rush cause of age?or your mom opinion?or r u really ready for?dont know u all!but sounds like everybody have their own plan and stuff they want to do. like 2 roommates.the needs look different.and i think you let a men know way before that you r for marriage! not for living 2gether.and let him ask you! if u have to ask or keep asking him its like forsing.and a men will only

[cheekxs]

commit to u when he feel ready to and he think u r the 1 he wants to be with till dead do part. so u cant force a men!and u r older.guys get mature later.so maybe he wants to let his dreams come true. while u did it all and want something else now.

[deepd61]

do what you want

[surfhb]

No....tell him what you want

[Edwardnew]

Yeah, I am interested to know about it.

[bellemissy]

Thanks for your reply. I guess things haven't turned out like the "fairy tale" in my head. Due to religious beliefs (mine not his) we don't live together. I guess that's also my reason for wanting to be married. In my head the thought keeps going round that if he really loves me, or loves me enough, he should know by now, and if so, why not make that commitment. He was the one who originally brought it up, ages ago, and yet he still does nothing. I think sometimes he tells me what he thinks I want to hear. And I think my birthday coming up is making me feel very old and insecure and like I haven't achieved anything in life.

[Maple1714]

You shouldn't be so hard on yourself. It's OK that you are not married with a family yet, doesn't mean you haven't accomplished anything. You are having these feelings b/c you are ready for the change. Being a mom and having a life partner is extremely fulfilling, and if you want it for your future make it happen for yourself. Tell your BF how you feel and if he is not ready that's OK too. You don't want to put pressure on someone to get married/settle down with a family...you want someone who is already there and wants the same things you want at the same time. It may just take him a little longer to get there. This doesn't mean he isn't in love with you. Start with being honest with yourself about exactly what you want and then tell him. Give him some time to think about it all and then make your decision from there...you might need to move on.

You are going through your Saturn return right now...look it up...take it with a grain of salt of course, but some truth to it.