Matters of trust

[larry1982]

One year ago I reconnected with a woman that was my girlfriend when we were 12. We're now 52. She had been in an abusive marriage where the husband was and is an alcoholic and both verbally and sometimes physically abused her. Though she still lived with him when we met, their relationship was for all intents and purposes long over as far as love and communication.

We saw each other for one month while she was still living with him. At one month into the relationship we slept together. We both declared commitment to one another and were head over heels in love. She moved out of the house from him and got her own place a little less than one month later.

The entire year since then was great. We couldn't have been happier. Then without really giving it much thought, I asked her whether she had slept with him anytime after we made love. She told me she did, that she was sleeping on the sofa in their house and was awoken by him on top of her. She didn't want to have sex with him, but was taken surprised by it and was concerned for her safety, so she did it with him. She said she was "horrified" by it.

Keep in mind it had almost been one year since this had happened when I asked her the question about sleeping with him. As I thought about it, two things really bothered me about it. 1) The fact that she'd slept with him since we've been together.....and 2) The fact that it took her 1 year to tell me she had done so and that she never volunteered it, but that I had to ask it.

Though both question #1 and Question #2 bothers me, question #2 bothers me by far the most. I've freely told her about my past before and she perceives me as player then and expresses concerns that I would cheat on her. I have not cheated on her by the way. I can swear on a stack of Bibles on that.

Is she to be trusted? Should I trust her? Is what she did wrong or perfectly acceptable? What can I expect of her? These and a thousand other questions are going through my mind. I would love to hear from a woman's viewpoint their take on this situation. Many Thanks!

[Wakeup]

You've got to be kidding! Here you are the guy that was having an affair with a married women and now you can't get over the fact that while she was cheating on him, she cheated on you.

Is she to be trusted? You've got a nerve when you're the one that enabled her to cheat by pursuing her when she was already in a relationship with someone else. It matters not the "for all intents and purposes their marriage was over" the fact is they were still married. She is psychologically in need of therapy to overcome her codependency for goodness sakes. She couldn't leave a man who abused her until you (the white knight) came along and rescued her and now you're going to drop her because she was (arguably) raped by her own husband.

Get help buddy because you are one selfish wipe for even going down the mental road you are travelling by thinking you can't trust her or get over your jealousy. She's troubled. You should have realized that by the fact that she didn't leave an abusive man. Neither of you are trustworthy. She at least has a good excuse. What's your excuse for being so high falluting and why are you putting so much evil emphasis on what happened on a couch over one year ago when you were cheating with her on her husband?

You really need to get over your own mental visuals of that night and put down the stones you're throwing in your own glass house.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Look at it from her perspective - she had sex with an abusive drunk out of fear. She was in love with another man and wanted to make the best of that, so she probably didn't want to jeopordise that by divulging that possibly quite traumatic experience. I would cut her a little slack if I were you, not telling you was understandable. A year may have been enough time for her to process it mentally, and how do you bring something like that up yourself after all that time? If she didn't trust you now she would have just lied about it.

[cheekxs]

You dont have to swear and bring the bible into it. cause people that lie do that also with a smile.

That doesnt impress! So just be real all the time, then you dont have to swear.

And i think you are out of your mind. How dare you even start something with someone who is married and have so much issues
right now to deal with?

Good or bad she stills a married woman. And she have the right to divorce cause of abuse!

You are stupid to make commandments to her , about what she should do for your affair with her.
You have no right dude! ZERO! you are noting hers. She still a married woman!
So you cant aspect something!
She owns you noting!
You jumped in middle of a war and demand a lot of bullshit.
She dont have to tell you if she slept with her husband cause its not your business. And not like it went down, but
generally its normal that wife and husband have sex.
You are the one that need to back off!

But all that abuse and stuff i think she need to divorce fast from that pig!
Not to be with you! (cause every men start very nice, but soon they show their real color)!
But for her own happiness and health.

And i dont say you are lying. but every time some one cheats with a person that have a relationship,
they come with all the bad and ugly that the current partner is.
And they only tell how great they are.
Stop with that crap!

For me a good friend will help me set forward a divorce and get the right help during and after that.
Not so he can have me, but cause he cares about me and see that its all wrong what is going on~!

[cheekxs]

And her husband raped her , and all you can say about that is you are mad she slept with him?

You are the same mother ****er as her husband! She needs to run away from you!

Instead of worry about if she is okay and feel sorry for her, or see what she can do against that
you are talking about you being mad about her ????????? dude **** u!

[IndiReloaded]

Look at it from her perspective - she had sex with an abusive drunk out of fear. She was in love with another man and wanted to make the best of that, so she probably didn't want to jeopordise that by divulging that possibly quite traumatic experience. I would cut her a little slack if I were you, not telling you was understandable. A year may have been enough time for her to process it mentally, and how do you bring something like that up yourself after all that time? If she didn't trust you now she would have just lied about it.

Agree. I don't know I'd call what happened to her cheating. Sounds more like silent rape/abuse. Not surprising given the relationship.

I wonder tho, if she is just going from one abusive guy to another, based on the OP's post.

@ Wakeup your posts are so angry these days. Sad.

[larry1982]

You detailed pretty thoroughly why you think I'm not trustworthy, but you mentioned that neither of us are. Can you elaborate on why you think she is untrustworthy.

[Wakeup]

You detailed pretty thoroughly why you think I'm not trustworthy, but you mentioned that neither of us are. Can you elaborate on why you think she is untrustworthy.

She went to bed with someone while actively married.
You are willing to bed someone who is still married.

Neither of you have shown one another that you have boundaries or much in the way of integrity or trustworthiness.

@ Wakeup your posts are so angry these days. Sad.

Oh, should have just said what cheeks said and told him "dude **** you." pffft.

[buzzer]

You have chose a wrong woman dude. That's not a matter of trust, that's a matter of cheat. Even though you have an affair with her, you must always remember that she is taken. You should have let her go.

[IndiReloaded]

Yet another reason why people should *wait* until the divorce papers are signed. Really, Larry, are you that naive at 50+ to not think this woman wouldn't be issued coming from a marriage like that??

I'm not saying you shouldn't be together, but its damned foolish to expect the same level of judgement from someone coming out of an experience like this compared to someone single and stable. Her bad, you bet, but as a friend you certainly could have contributed to her stability in a much less selfish way. You have ownership here too, IMO. You preyed on a very emotionally vulnerable woman, sounds like and now you want to be angry at her for her screw up.

Poor woman. Like I said, out of the frying pan...

[larry1982]

Ok, that makes sense.

[larry1982]

I've never been called abusive in any relationship I've been in and I don't feel I'm abusive. What have I stated that would make you think I'm abusive?

[larry1982]

I'm not sure why I brought it up actually. It wasn't as if I'd been brooding on it or anything. It just sprang to mind and I said it. Not good judgement I admit.

[rappelz]

This need to yourself decide, if you want to together with her then tolerance and guide her, if you don't want to be with her, then decisive apart, it is so simple.

[IndiReloaded]

Ok, that makes sense.

I'm glad. Really, what's the urgency here? So long as you don't make the classic mistake of saying *nothing* (i.e. hiding your feelings or leaving them ambiguous and then some other guy steps up before you do), let things evolve with a long term goal in mind.

Think about it. If you had told her you love her, but didn't sleep with her, would you really be so upset now? I suspect you would have found it in you to feel concern for her, but chalk the sex up to 'last fling while married' or something like.

Anyway now you have to choose. Is she worth it to wait for her and get over this? Objectively, she had sex with her *husband* and you are the interloper. If I were you, I'd dial things waaay back until she's done for good. Let her know you are there to help if she needs it, but that's it.

You should also have a read of the Shining Knight sticky. There's a real danger being a woman's emotional tampon during this time in her life. If you really want a longterm relationship with her, you risk this by not letting her come to you as an equal. Read and come back with your thoughts:

http://www.loveforum.net/threads/26633-Description-of-the-Shining-Knight-Syndrome