Should I take husband back?

[Shantel]

I'm a 32 yr old female & married for 9 yrs. I've been separated from my husband for 18 months now. He left b/c we were arguing all the time & basically took each other for granted. This was our 2nd separation. The 1st separation lasted 6 months, partially b/c that was the term of his lease. He left & got his own place but it was basically like we were still together, dating & sleeping with each other. Both times I was upset at the way he left. He just came home & said I have my own place now, I'm gone. I thought it was heartless & cruel b/c we have a 9 yr old son & I was left to explain that his dad would not be living with us anymore.

After 6 months into the 2nd separation I began dating a guy at the urge of my husband b/c he said he did not want the marriage anymore & I should move on. My friend & I have been dating for a year now. He knows that I do not want a boyfriend, not ready for that. He agrees & we like things the way they are now or even he would I prefer I get a divorce if it's really over. Does not like dating someone's wife, which I understand.

My husband has been begging me for the last 6 months to come back & I have refused. I really did not want to mess up a good thing I have with my friend. I truly believe my husband has changed & will value the marriage now b/c he said this was the 1st time he ever relaized he'd lose me. Always thought I'd just be there. I have not dated or slept with my husband in 18 months. I was sticking with that during this 2nd separation.

I'm just confused now about if I should let him back. His lease is up in 2 weeks. I really enjoy the time I spend with my friend & have grown to love him but just not ready for relationship with him now b/c I'd be carrying old baggage to a new relationship. I just don't know if I should give my husband another try. He cries all the times & tells me how much he's hurting & how stupid he feels. He's definitely not a crier. I know if I don't take him back the next step will be divorce b/c it's not fair to us or my son to let this go on any longer. I'm just cared to give up an incredibly great guy who loves me for someone that has a had a chance but I keep telling myself that it was my fault too that we didn't work out.

What should I do. Please help me. Not a lot of time to make this decision.

[VincenzoG91]

The lease is irrelevant. That's just a money thing and should have no bearing on major decisions involving your marriage. After nine years, you know your husband really well, and you know damn well what to expect if you get back together again. Maybe the two of you just aren't compatible. But if the only problem was that you two were taking each for granted, and that was the source of all the arguments, then maybe this marriage can be saved. It won't be enough for just him to change, you would need to change, too. And after those changes, it might still turn out that the two of you are incompatible. And it sounds like your feelings for this other guy could complicate everything. I doubt your marriage is going to work out. But after nine years, you know your husband better than any of us ever will, so it really comes down to what you know and what you feel.

[cheekxxs]

First of, i didnt know about that poll thing? Can everyone here make one? never saw it before. Its great!

And what do you mean with that " you date but you dont want a relationship? and he dont want someones wife? are you in denial or something?
all cause all you say you guys dont, its clear that exactly that is what your guys are doing: dating, and he is having someone else his wife even if there is no sex.
So get to reality before you get to solution!

And maybe you and your husband need to go back to your marriage book that you receive when you got married. Or the videos.
What are they saying? "Till hard times do us part?" , " Till dating other men do us part"? What does it say????????????????????
Is it not till dead do us part?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!

Marriage is something between 2 people. THat is how God made it. And its something holly.
Its made also to stop immorality, for people to stop sleeping around with this dude and that dude etc.
If you go to the Bible it can help you see and understand more how a marriage should be.
And how wife and husband should treat each other.
And with God guide you can have your marriage in a healthy way.

No real relationships without hard times. When you got married you promised also : " in good and bad time"!!!
Both of you. So why all of this now that it comes up to you to fulfill your promises?

What you are doing is wrong. Having another person in your marriage.
Your time should be in your husband.
And i think that while you 2 are working on getting back maybe its a good idea to tell him that you want to talk first.
and so you to can get therapy to find out what the real issue is.
And how to communicate.

So now you now marriage is not the cake, and ll the gifts.
This is also part of it. And this will show what your relationship and marriage is made of. And how real you both are!

If there is no abuse or cheating , you can work it out if both want to.
But right now you are cheating. so its up to him to divorce or not.

You have promise noting before God to this dude you are messing with. The only one you did promise something is your husband!

And normally i say a lot about what it can do when kids are involve.
To you i only say this: Dont forget that your kid is watching! And God too!
He gets the lessons and morals that he see in his home.
And the way he see the first woman(Mom) in his life act and be treat by the first men(dad) in his life and otherwise, will make him hate or love men/woman.

Make shore its worth watching for your kid!
CAUSE you will have to deal with the consequences later.
But worse is that he(kid) will have to deal with it for most part.
Example": maybe growing up as a angry kid, cause he saw mommy messing with another men. While dad wasn't there.

[Shantel]

Thank you for your feedback. Yes, the poll can be set up by everyone. Lol. I don't agree that parents should stay together for their kids b/c like in my case my husband left twice. That creates more dysfunction in an household if one parent is constantly leaving & this does not show my son to respect women if I constantly let him come back. I understand the sanctity of marriage but I'm not gonna be anyone's doormat if that sends me to hell well I better start repenting now. I just want to know if it's worth messing up a good thing with a good man to give my husband a chance. Maybe someone has been through this situation & can possibly share their experience. I know the ultimate choice is mine. Sometimes someone else's life experience can help you. Learn from other's mistakes. Thanks again

[cheekxxs]

No, that is not the real thing that i was saying.
Look, we dont know noting more then what you told us. and im shore your husband will have his version!

So what im saying is , dont forget your kid is watching.
So what ever it is , he see and hear and feels! Thats all im saying. Im not saying noting about marriage there jet.

But about marriage. i dont think its okay eater way t be like that when you have a kid.
And i think every one go true stuff depends on there relationship with each other and the person they are.
So some couples may have end up well. but that maybe cause there was love there!

And i dont know he treat you like that. cause you said something else.
so like i said, we only know what you tell.

[smackie9]

This is your SECOND separation, and this time around, he didn't do anything during the 18 months to rectify the marriage in any sort of way. So now the lease is up and he is in need of a place to put his hat...AGAIN...tell your husband to stick it, because you have found a decent guy that you actually get along with.

Children are much better off seeing their divorced parents living happier lives, than them being together in a misrable marriage.

[vashti]

I am generally in favor of families sticking together, however you have both moved on in a sense, and your kid knows it.. The constant revolving door is not a good thing. If you don't feel love for your husband, just file for the divorce already, and make it official.

[Maple1714]

Only you know what the right thing to do is...but in my opinion I wouldn't take him back. You know that little voice inside that you try to ignore, but it's telling you what to do? Listen to it. Do the right thing for your child's sake and for yourself...even if it's not the easiest. You gave him a second chance when you got back together the first time.

[IndiReloaded]

Noone here can tell you what to do. Are you really going to leave a decision like this up to a bunch of random internet strangers? What do you want? What are the conditions under which you are prepared to be married?

Objectively, it sounds to me like your husband uses this time apart as an excuse to act single and cheat on you. He sounds very selfish. What evidence do you have that he's really going to value and respect you and your marriage this time?

If you are seriously considering giving him another chance (I wouldn't but its not my call) then I strongly suggest the book 'Love Must Be Tough'. Google it. Taking him back right now makes you a doormat, which = no incentive for him to change.

He's been leaving you. Time for you to 'leave him', even if its by saying no. Good luck.