Now it's my mum

[MaidenMinx]

By the way MM, I want to let you know that I'm certainly no saint, and have zero relationship with my mother anymore. Seriously, no contact. My crazy sister has alternately tried this and tried making up with her numerous times in the last several years.

She's tried to get me to also, and it led me to give her something to think about that you might want to think about too:

My sister said to me "You have no idea what her home life was when she was growing up. You have no idea what she went through."

I had to tell my sister, "I know what MY home life was like, I know what you and I both went through, and let me ask you this: Did you choose to treat your children that way, or did you choose differently?"

I chose differently... I made a conscious decision that I would not do to my children what she did to me, and my sister made the same choice. Our mother did NOT make that choice, she chose to continue the cycle of abuse and violence.

So did your mother.

This is what I keep reminding myself, even though it feels cruel... there's that guilt rearing it's ugly head again.
I use my parents as an example of how not to treat your children, well just how not to be in general. Best lesson they ever taught me.

[cheekxs]

To the non-retarded people in this topic.

One thing i say to you, you can sit all day long talking about what your parents did.

But know , that when they are dead it will be to late for you to change something about your relationships with your mothers!

Life is short!

[MaidenMinx]

To the one retarded person in this topic,

HAHAHAH!! I knew you couldn't resist coming back for one last word. If you say you're staying out of a topic, do so. It's so disappointing when you return.
But congratulations on finding spell check.

PS at no point have I said I don't want a relationship with my mother. I would like a healthy relationship with her though.

[MaidenMinx]

Ok guys, I don't know what to do next.

It's been 4 days and we still aren't talking. My brother hasn't seen her since the argument, but, he has only been going home when mum is at work and is otherwise couch surfing.
She rang him in a rage yesterday because she discovered he had been back there,. but nothing has been said to me.

Do I leave this alone, even though it's causing me anxiety? I don't know how to switch off my "I care" button.

She has a day off work tomorrow and I have been considering contacting her tomorrow. I was thinking of going to her place tomorrow morning to make sure she is ok, and simply leave if she is going to be nasty again, but I also don't want to ruin her day. I've also considered calling her tomorrow evening, but I'm really not sure either. I want her to know that I care, regardless of whether she wants to talk to me or not. Is this a good or a bad idea? I'm worried I'll just be opening the door to be guilt tripped again.

The stress of this has caused me to start seizing more. I really do need to shift this stress and anxiety.

[HeartIsAching]

You really want to know what to do next?

Do nothing. The stress you're feeling is due to control she's got over you, through emotional abuse. If you do something, she wins, and she'll DO IT AGAIN. As long as it works, she'll keep doing it.

Try deep-breathing (diaphram breathing) exercises to help. They'll help abate the anxiety.

[MaidenMinx]

Wow, I think that is the absolute hardest thing to do.

What about sending my hubby to check on her? He's offered, and is worried about her too, or is that still letting her win?

As you may have gathered, assertiveness is not my strong suit. On the plus side, I actually managed to make an appointment with a psychiatrist today (even though it's not til November, it's still this year) and I have the local mental health team calling this week to make sure I get the help I need until then. I'm really hoping that by getting a private psychiatrist I won't have to go through the painful update of a new therapist too many more times. It's the most annoying part of the process.

Some days I look at myself and wonder how I became such a mess. Other days I wonder how I have managed to stay alive for this long. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

A positive note, My finches are chirping happily and the flowers I bought myself the other day are still beautiful.

[HeartIsAching]

A positive note, My finches are chirping happily and the flowers I bought myself the other day are still beautiful.

Awww... what kind of finches? I used to have a Society Finch named Freddy. Loved that bird.

[MaidenMinx]

Awww... what kind of finches? I used to have a Society Finch named Freddy. Loved that bird.

I have 3 zebra finches. Larry, Devi, and Anneke. Devi and Anneke are breeding so Larry is in a cage on his own next to them. I love their songs. They are so cute.

[IndiReloaded]

Hang in their Minx.

[HeartIsAching]

What about sending my hubby to check on her? He's offered, and is worried about her too

Worried why? What do you think is going to happen? Do you think she's a danger to herself? Or is she in poor health?

Think about these things realistically.

[MaidenMinx]

I think she could be a danger to herself... but at the same time I don't really think so. I guess I'm worried about her emotional health and the sensation of being abandoned all over again that I am sure this situation bought upon her. I think I also want her to know that I AM here for her, but it has to be a rational her.... I guess that means I am here for her at all....

I like the way you make me think, HIA. Outsiders perspectives can be fantastic sometimes. (and not to blend threads, well not too much, if I believed in astrology and the tarot as much as I say I do I would be consulting someone else, rather than being here... and here's the rub, if I could afford it, I probably would be seeking something else out. Thank the powers that be that I start counselling on Wednesday, and therapy in November.)

[smackie9]

Don't worry, it's just a stand off to see who will cave in first. Silence sends a stronger message than yelling at each other. It's all about changing this pattern, you need to stop yourself from falling into this horrible cycle with your mom, by dropping the "guilt". That's all it is, is guilt....don't ever think you are being a "horrible daughter"....that is what she wants you to think, and every time you do, you are letting her win. It's time to finally put yourself first, you most definitely need to spend time helping/ healing yourself or nothing will ever change. Baby steps......


Maybe you can find yourself some self help books to help you along, when you can't get to therapy.

[IndiReloaded]

Minx, some simple advice after all the longer posts:

Put your own house in order. Stop letting others shovel their shit into your backyard. You have your own mess to cleanup first.

Cleaning other people's shit is a [deliberate] distractor from taking care of your own. Say no.

[MaidenMinx]

Thanks Smackie and Indi. You both have helped put things in perspective.
This just happens to be her first day off since the argument and I usually spend her days off running around all over the place. I'm rather worried about her emotional state today, but that is not my responsibility. My mantras for the last few days have been "this is not my fault" and "that is not my responsibility." My brother has also been reminding me that she did this to herself. Interesting that that brings a Radiohead song into my head and Radiohead are one of her favourite bands....

Indi, that Put your own house in order, actually made me look around at the bombsite my house has become. I know you meant it figuratively, but the literal is also true. You are also right in that I'm prone to distracting myself from my own shit by dealing with other peoples. (I'm astrologically inclined to do it :p )

Smackie, I hate stand offs. The tension gets to me and I end up breaking. Then again, I'm still in stand off mode with my violent brother (he's not allowed in my house until he sorts out his warrants). We talk though, just not much.

I'm so tired. I've started having more seizures over all of this. Stupid psychogenic seizures. To know that I am doing this to myself just sucks, even though the seizures are very real.

Step by step, moment by moment... day by day is too long a span for me to focus on at the moment.

[MaidenMinx]

Ok, I'm currently horribly freaked out, relieved and angry all at the same time.

Just a little while a go I got a call from a friend of my mothers. Her husband had spent 2 hours talking my mum out of suicide and when she had tried to call my mum she got no answer and feared the worst. My brother rode over the other side of town to check on her. He called my mobile while I was still on the home phone to mums friend and told us she was fine, she'd been sleeping. While I spent the half hour on the phone with mums friend, I filled her in on what had happened lately. She completely understood my stance ( I refused to call mum, or go over there myself) and realised that mum is going to need her a bit now. I asked her to keep me updated every now and then.

I got a text from mum saying "Just lea e me alone. You Jaipur (I think she meant happy) now. **** off"

I'm relieved she is still alive and that I will be able to keep abreast of whats happening with her. I'm still freaked out from the idea of her bleeding out in her bathroom...
I'm sad that she got to the point of thinking that was the only option...
Then..
Hang on. It wasn't her only option. There are many many many options before that one. I've been there. Mum and I have discussed it in the past. Suicide is no solution...
I feel like I've been sucked into a performance. I am glad I didn't rush around there teary and shaky to make sure she is ok. Her friend can relay to her how genuinely distressed I was /am.

This is not my fault. This is not my responsibilty. Mum dug herself this hole...
Why does that just not work right now?