Should I give him another chance? (Kind of long, please bear with me.)

[Please]

I'm torn between my better knowledge and hope.. I can't figure out what's best to do. Please help me

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years and he is my absolute best friend, I love(d?) him more than anyone and he always came first in my life. A year ago, he moved 2 hours away and because of our separate busy schedules, we didn't see each other as much as we originally planned but, we still kept close... or so I thought.

In the beginning of this year, we started fighting a LOT about petty things. I thought it was me because I have the tendency to blow things out of proportion and I agreed to change my attitude and be more pleasant. Of course, we fought again and this time, I used a different approach. I kept my word. I didn't yell, curse or put him down like I usually did and something retarded happened- he started acting like me.

I was baffled and hurt because of how disrespectful he had become. He said, "This is how you treat me." I said, "Yeah, I realized that and I stopped. Why is it that when I improve, you regress?" And so our arguments went on this way for some months. When I finally got tired of it, I dumped him for it and he begged me to forgive him. He promised me he'd change.

I've always had this problem of where if things in my life are stressful or tense, I lose my sense of emotion and I become numb. After my heart was first broken, I was numb on/off for 2 or 3 years until I met my boyfriend. I can honestly say he gave me my feelings back and our relationship was the most successful one I've had.

The distance between us was hard and the fights between us made it even harder. They became so frequent and irritating that they began to make me numb and I resented him for it. Without my feelings, I could never make good judgement and things became so much more confusing for me and I was about to start living my life like that again. I hated it.

I let him know what was going on with me and he was supportive but, to my surprise, during our next fight- he used it against me stating that I was the one pushing my own feelings away and he had nothing to do with it. This hurt me and I broke up with him.

Of course, he called me back in tears begging me to forgive him and basically going back on everything he said, something he does a lot. During a fight, he could be so strongly opposed to something and fight against it hard with yelling, cursing and insults galore; when he's trying to get me back that same night, he'll become the biggest hypocrite you've ever seen. "You're right babe, about everything. I'm sorry I pushed your emotions away. I was supposed to be your knight in shining armor that brought them back. Please forgive me, babe." It's so irritating.

Recently, I took a step in trying to improve our relationship by working on trying to understand myself and why I am the way I am. I wanted to do something because the thoughts that floated in my mind after fights were beginning to scare me. They were things like: Do I love him anymore? Should I break it off for good? Am I falling out of love with him?

I typed up a 7 page paper about how much I loved him and how much I valued our relationship. Through it all, I described the first time I saw him and how it lead up to our relationship. I tried to pinpoint what went wrong, I took all the blame and tried to speculate what we could do to fix it. It took me 5 hours to put together and he was happy with it.

In the paper, I indicated that I felt unappreciated in our relationship and I asked him to make the effort to do the little things he used to do for me, which was not the first time I've mentioned this. It's always been a big issue with me and I've made it known to him. Each and every time, he told me he'd try and as you can imagine, he's failed to see me through. Of course, he said he'd try again and I believed him, as usual.

Last night, we had the dumbest fight I could ever imagine on Skype through IM. Keeping true to my promises, I didn't freak out or anything, I simply let it go. As you can imagine, he started acting like I used to and kept going on and on, arguing with himself really. He was the only one heated, I was perfectly fine. Naturally, he started to get on my nerves and I became annoyed. When he called me on the phone, I was on the edge of blowing up but, surprisingly, I kept my cool for a good amount of time but, I had a firm edge to my voice.

Before, I never listened to him when we would argue and I never let him get his point across but I changed that. While I'm half-listening to him blabber and whine about the dumbest thing ever, I type into Google "signs you should break up" and I cut him off with, "I'm looking at this website here and it's talking about the signs that indicate when a relationship is basically done." He got quiet and I went on, "I can relate to half of these. It's done. There's no happiness in this relationship anymore." And he hung up on me. I don't blame him for it, but I know he hung up because he knew I was right.

Of course, I called him back to talk about it and he acted very childish repeating "No, you broke my heart again," over and over. In my mind, "It's done," wasn't me breaking up with him. I was referring to the happiness. It got to the point where I was completely angry now and I brought up the lack of appreciation for me. He truly surprised me with what he said: "YOU EXPECT UNREALISTIC THINGS! YOU WANT LETTERS, AND GIFTS AND CUTE STUFF?! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR ALL THAT!" It was here I'd realized that he had changed a great deal and was no longer the sweet, attentive guy I had fallen in love with.

I confessed to him I wasn't happy. Two things could have happened: we could have been mature adults and talk about it, or someone would've flipped out and left. He took the latter.

He screamed, "LEAVE! JUST ****ING LEAVE AND DON'T COME BACK! I'M SO SICK OF THIS SHIT! FIRST TIME IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT I'M DOUBTING THINGS! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT TAKES THIS MUCH FOR ALL MY FEELINGS TO COME OUT, I'VE BEEN HOLDING THIS BACK FOR SO LONG!" I can't tell you how I felt because I don't know. It all happened so fast that I fell quiet and tears just welled up in my eyes... It must have hurt.

I tried to stammer out a sentence but he cut me off with, "NO! SHUT THE **** UP, YOU ****ING BITCH! JUST GO!" With that, he hung up on me. I faintly remember that I was shaking... everything besides our dialogue was a blur. I called him back and he greeted me with, "DON'T ****ING COME BACK!"

I replied, "I'm not coming back. I just called to say, if you're still coming on Wednesday, drive by my house so you can pick up your stuff." Then I hung up. A few minutes passed by without word from him so, I called back again to ask him to delete all our pictures, videos etc. then I hung up once more. He wasn't trying to contact me so, I started packing away his things scattered around my room. I thought about how disgusting it was that I'd given so much to him, trusted him with everything and how quickly he could lose control of his temper, say what's really on his mind and throw it all away in a fit of rage. And rage over what? The truth?

I started crying, but I still felt numb so I didn't know what I was crying over. My naivety? Was I hurt? Was I crying because I didn't want to lose him?

A few minutes later, the text messages and phone calls started to flow in. Apology after apology, begging and more begging. The hypocrisy was at an all time high.

Normally, my heart screamed, "Forgive him! You love him, you don't want anyone else!" in situations like these, but today? Nothing. Absolutely nothing and it scared me. Did that mean I didn't love him anymore? Or did it mean that my heart was over it too?

It's typical of me to forgive him easily and let it go, but I didn't want to forgive him this time. I think I want to move on, or so I told him. I'm very confused, if I'm honest. I do believe he's sorry, but I don't accept them because if I do, nothing will change.. I'm sure of it. I've given him so many chances.

I'm wrestling myself trying to figure out whether I still love him or not and I know that if I weren't numb, the answers would be clear.

I'm at my lowest point now, everyone. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and I consider this a desperate measure. I'm trusting strangers to help me figure out what's going on in my life and to give me advice as to what I should do, yet somehow I'm okay with doing that.

So, should I stay or should I go?

[Condor]

Okay, I'm no relationship expert (I just posted a desperate thread, too) but I think I see some things clearly here.
First of all, you dumped him twice (or three times, according to him). Whether if he deserved it or not, whether it if was the right thing for both of you or not, the truth remains that there's an imbalance of power. You decide when you want to be without him and then later you take him back, and he has to beg for it and cry and say things he probably doesn't feel. At first, he might appear to be loving and apologising, but the humiliation he has to undergo (twice, first when dumped and then when he has to beg) most definately builds up resentment. Do you think he shows much self-respect when he calls you crying, denying all he said a while before? That behaviour might give you an idea of how troubled he is, how much anxiety he suffers, how much he depends on the relationship. Calling you asking for mercy is something he does because he can't bear the thought of not being involved with you because it's way too painful, not because he REALLY is sorry about what happened. I stress the fact that it's a humiliating experience and that all that resentment is going to come out eventually. That sure is not the way to build a healthy relationship.

Second, insults? Seriously? I think that, while arguing is unavoidable (at least, sometimes), there are boundaries that should never be pushed, and insulting your partner is one of them. It shows an absolute lack of respect and I think it damages the relationship beyond repair. When I argue with my boyfriend, we might accuse each other of this and that, and we might rise our voice a little more than it's necessary; but, if there comes a day when we should INSULT each other...god knows I'm out. Sorry, it's a huge sign that you should move on. Verbal abuse shouldn't be an option. It seems that you've overcome the problem and that's great, but it also seems that he has gotten used to that kind of drama and now is proyecting built up resentment on you, kind of "making you pay" for what he's had to put up with, maybe. If that is the case, his inability to forgive may be another huge issue as well.

Anyway, overall, I think you already know the answer. You've both settled for constant arguing and you can't get rid of that habit. It seems that you're trapped in a relationship where you don't appreciate each other, where you have no respect for each other and on the other hand you do have a lot of resentment, and where you are unhappy, dissatisfied and angry at each other. Ask yourself if you really need that kind drama in your life, with all the "numbing" it causes and all.

[Tarrer]

i am in quite a similar relationship right now. well we split on sunday, feel free to read my story.
i can complete relate to what you are saying and what your going/gone through. me and my boyfriend split up quite a few times in a year and a half, the one thing that has never changed is the feelings we have for each other. i love him with all my heart and soul. but then you ask yourself, do you love him, or do you love the thought of being with someone, being with him?
this weekend was the second time in a year ive moved my stuff out. but this time i need to think on how to prevent it, thats if we manage to get back together that is.
like you said.. 'Two things could have happened: we could have been mature adults and talk about it, or someone would've flipped out and left. He took the latter.'
this is what goes through my head. and the same things happen, its gets childish and we ended up splitting up. and i always got called the childish one?
but hey, if you love him, which is something that you need to be certain of before you give things another go as it will save you form the hurt and anger happening again.
i am currently considering counselling on my own, if it helps and me and my ex do manage to sort it, i may ask him to join for a couples session.
you can listen to everyones opinion, and advice, but the only thing that matters is what you believe to be right in your heart!
we need to learn from our mistakes else we will get no where in life.
hence why im not gonna give up, even though ive had advice to let go.
just do what you think is right, i wish you all the best of luck, just nice to know im not alone(: