Atypical breakup.. What should I do?

[empathetic]

It helps to know the background of our tale. Atypical high school sweethearts story, we met our senior year, had a great friendship. I never planned on dating her, or dating at all my final year of high school, but as I got to know her, l had fallen for the warm-hearted and intelligent person she was. It's funny though, because on the outside, a lot of people would describe her as school-oriented and a bit cold-hearted. I guess it just took a little effort, but I managed to open her up in a new way. I'd never been attracted to a girl like this before so I went for it! I made my feelings clear and she admitted to feeling the same way. Easy, right?

She admitted that she was hesitant to start a relationship because at the end of the school year, she was going to visit family for basically, the whole summer. We wouldn't be able to see each other, so she was worried it would hurt too much or end badly. Anyway, it wasn't going to hold me back from showing my feelings, so I got her the usual for Valentine's day to show it wasn't over. Fast forward to prom night and we shared our first kiss. Fast forward again to after graduation and the day she was going to leave was approaching fast. To make our last moments memorable, we spent nearly every day in the weeks leading up to the fateful day, talking on the phone, going on dates, etc. Basically, we were in the most unofficial relationship ever, everybody knew it, we were okay with that.

Before she leaves, she had said she was worried about leaving me alone because some of my friends are questionable in their behavior and sometimes they can convince me to come out and party with them (which involved drinking, girls and such, etc.) but I'd never betray her trust. This wasn't her kind of scene so she disapproved of it. While she understood I need some time with my friends, she didn't want me getting into any trouble. I bought her a nice silver necklace to prove my sincerity and feelings for her. I decided I was going to wait for her!

We kept contact throughout. But, about half way through the trip, she stopped replying. The day comes when she was supposed to come back, but I wasn't sure entirely when. So I waited. Two days after she was supposed to be back, she texts me letting me know she was back. Then she tells me she was tired and needed to sleep. Again, given the extensive flight, understandable.I give her space because she probably wanted to be with her family here who she hadn't seen, plus she likes to sleep. Anyway, I text her a couple days later, I was hoping setup an arrangement to see her. I was so excited, but during the conversation, she tells me she needs to be alone and I asked if I could do anything, she says no and that was it. I tried again a couple days later and I get a similar response.

I was getting concerned, so I ask if I did anything wrong, she simply says no. I was not ready to give up just yet though, I pressed to see if she would say anything, but she wouldn't budge. Something was on her mind and very wrong, but she wouldn't tell me. She told me to not get involved at all. Now, before she had left, we were basically best friends. Talked everyday, we could talk about everything. So this came as a shock that she didn't want to come to me about whatever was causing her pain.

Then that's when she added, she just wanted to be friends now. This was nothing short of the worst summer of my life... I had no idea how to respond besides I need at least a reason for why whatever it is that you are going through is suddenly changing how you feel about me. A while later, she tells me she simply didn't want to be in a relationship in college because it would hold her back. Oh and we are both going to the same university.. On top of an already steaming pile, before she left, she said she wanted at least one class together, which at the time was cute and something I wanted too. Well guess what? I rearranged my schedule and we have it together.

The first time I saw her, by complete accident was in the class, when I saw another friend and as I went to sit by him, I noticed her sitting right behind me. This was the first time we had seen each other in 2 months... and the first thing she says is, well this is awkward. In my mind I literally said this (Thanks for at least trying I guess? Seriously, wtf.) I'm a bit sarcastic, lol... Anyway, I tried to play it off and say nahhh not really, only if you make it awkward! We didn't say a word to each other after that. Now, we have a similar circle of friends from high school here, so we have bumped into each other, but it's been nothing short of awkward for everyone involved or near us. People who don't know us could probably feel the tension.

Anyway, I've never been so blindsided by anything in my life. I still have feelings for her.. But she thinks we are done with that, she just wants to be friends, and in the moment, I literally at a loss for words. At best, I muttered an empty okay, fine.. I'm just so confused, she can move on dealing with her life like nothing between us ever happened. We go from being so close to literally nothing between us besides avoiding glances. I need another perspective... Is she really just done with it like that? I'm trying to build the courage to talk to her again, just so I can try to find some closure and either end things for good or try to patch it up. I've always been an understanding and compromising guy.. I guess that caused me to force myself to believe I could handle just being friends or just ending it over her text messages, but I've realized now that I can't. And it isn't right by any means... I want to tell her that we need to pull each other aside and talk in person about this. There's no way I'm letting her off that easy.. I'm just so devastated, I can't seem to find the strength.

So, as a lonely and now desperate guy who is losing his mind, I come to you for help. I needed other perspectives... fresh points of view. What should I do? Is there anything obvious that I missed? Because I honestly have no clue where this came from and definitely didn't see it coming.. She's told me things before she left like she wrote in my yearbook that she hopes to know me through college and hopefully beyond then. But now we can't even face each other.. Was it my fault for getting my hopes up? Could I have done something better? What's the outlook for us look like? Anything will help.. All thoughts are appreciated.

[Cerby]

Your outlook isn't good. She doesn't appear to be interested at all at this point, which means that at best you can hope for is a friendship. I'd just take the hint and move on. Find someone new and parade her all over that girls face.

[smackie9]

What's the timeline here? when did she go on this trip? last year? All this happened a year ago?

[empathetic]

No, it was just recently, this past summer. She was gone for two months seeing family basically on the other side of the world and got back beginning of August. It was maybe a week later that she told me she didn't want to be in a relationship.

Honestly, I really want to be able to just move on.. But I'm a sentimental and sensitive guy, I'll admit it. I've had issues in the past that make it hard for me to trust people and let my guard down. Truth is, this hurt me on a whole other level just because it was so unexpected.. Worst case scenario I figured she would come back, we'd take things slow and be a couple in college until maybe we figured things weren't working or we'd have our differences and go our separate ways. I mean, it's not like I think she's my soulmate or anything but I thought we'd have at least gave it a shot especially considering she is the one who said we could officially date in college. I never expected she'd come back and suddenly be so cold towards me. Like I said, I knew she had a cold side but for her to come back and basically turn the temp. down to freezing on me was so uncalled for. I had no idea how to react and still don't.

Thanks for the advice Cerby. I don't think a friendship is something I can deal with though as much as I want to be able to.

[smackie9]

To me this really was a relationship that didn't get off the ground. You called it an "unofficial" relationship, so you were just friends, and she had two months to mull over whether to date you or not, to take it to the next level. She gave it a shot and before she left she knew she didn't want to date you but danced around the issue feeling you lame excuses. You should have seen the warning then. You were still in the friends zone after all this time. She shut down because you are too clingy and you really need to let this go....she really never promised you anything, it was all your doing so you only have your high hopes to blame.

Tip: never invest your heart and feelings with any girl unless it is reciprocated 100%.

[empathetic]

Maybe I am clingy.. Maybe I did try to push getting into a relationship despite her having doubts. I said unofficially dating meaning, anybody who saw us together would figure we were in a relationship. Dating, kissing, etc., the basics.

I wouldn't say I was in the friendzone... Though, I have had friends tell me they thought that I liked her more than she did me. Which I can fully agree with in retrospect, unfortunately. *Insert excuse about wanting what I couldn't have here*

But for her to come back and give me nothing more than a few text message conversations... Was that okay in your opinion? Is that just something I should take and move on from? We are supposed to talk in person in just a few days about it because I wanted to make it clear to her that it wasn't okay for me and that I can't stand any friendship with her. I don't want to tell her off but seriously, I just want to get these feelings off my chest. I've told a friend all this and she thinks I should tell my "ex" how I feel and how what she did hurt me.. Is that still a good idea? Or should I just leave it at getting my feelings out in the open with friends?

At this point, I'm not hoping to make things better anymore, not in the sense that we'll be in a relationship, now that I've seen this side to her used against me. I guess to be fair, I should have seen that coming too, that I would see this side of her eventually. I suppose like many falling outs, there'll be possibility for reconciliation in the future and maybe I'll get over how she's treated me recently... seeing as I'll probably be seeing her around for the next few years unless one of us transfers and our circle of friends. Any advice for that besides finding new friends? I've been working on that as well and so far so good!

And in my defense, she's the one who got my hopes up, talking about dating in college and exclaiming that she kept picturing our reunion has such a great moment. That led me to do the same.. Obviously I still fantasized about the moments when she got back and when we first saw each other it'd be a fairy tale reunion haha... When clearly, she didn't anymore. I guess I only wish she would have communicated that she was having a change of heart instead of dropping a bomb on my head. I guess you're right though... It's my fault for believing what she said when clearly she didn't mean it.

[smackie9]

Get used to it because when you enter the world of adult dating the cold shoulder, avoidance, no returning calls and false hopes are common place.....just keep in mind not to "push" it.

[smackie9]

As for the confrontation....that's why she had avoided telling you about her change of heart.....she knows how upset and disappointed you are, but you know what a lot of people are just like that. If you want to give her crap go ahead, just remember she will have nothing to do with you after that.

[empathetic]

Not that she wants anything to do with me now anyway. Obviously she wanted to avoid confrontation but after all we've been through, there's no way I can justify letting her get away with this.. I'm going to do what she couldn't and put an end to this with some dignity.

Thanks for the advice. Not proud of what I have in mind that I might say to her. Hopefully I can just keep those things to myself, I'm not one to get upset and overreact, I usually keep things to myself, take the low road and do what's best to keep the peace. Though, I've been told it's not good to keep things bottled up. so I guess I was just wondering if that's what I should do here.. To take the low road and play it off best I can or really confront her.. Guess I'm still not sure yet.

It'll be all I can muster to walk away from this without calling her a few choice names. I think I can manage though. Guess I'll find out.

[Cerby]

Not that she wants anything to do with me now anyway. Obviously she wanted to avoid confrontation but after all we've been through, there's no way I can justify letting her get away with this.. I'm going to do what she couldn't and put an end to this with some dignity.

Thanks for the advice. Not proud of what I have in mind that I might say to her. Hopefully I can just keep those things to myself, I'm not one to get upset and overreact, I usually keep things to myself, take the low road and do what's best to keep the peace. Though, I've been told it's not good to keep things bottled up. so I guess I was just wondering if that's what I should do here.. To take the low road and play it off best I can or really confront her.. Guess I'm still not sure yet.

It'll be all I can muster to walk away from this without calling her a few choice names. I think I can manage though. Guess I'll find out.

Any confrontation is over-reaction. There is no need to "let her get away with this", what do you hope to accomplish? No matter what you say it won't make the situation any better.

If you want to feel good, act like you don't even know her, and if she talks to you just pretend like she is nothing in your life.

[smackie9]

I agree with Cerby there. If you get all over her ass about it, you will look like a sore loser. A cold hard silence is defining.

[empathetic]

This isn't about leading her to believe that I simply don't care anymore or giving the impression that I'm perfectly fine without her. I mean, while I can function just fine, I was definitely happy with her but getting along better everyday without her. You might be able to put on a charade when this happens to you, but I'm definitely not one for injustice, or acting fake. What she did was by no means okay. It was disgusting, I've never been so sickened at the thought of somebody being so cold. Nothing is stopping her from doing this to some other poor sap, the least I can do is help her to understand that her actions are unforgivable. If that comes as a sacrifice to our relationship/friendship forever, so be it. Again, I really don't have anything to lose at this point.

Really, I'm not hoping to gain a friendship anymore. Fake people aren't my style. Neither is being cold.. Maybe I'll pick up the characteristic of being a cold/heartless person since everybody else seems to go through life like that. After all, if I'm detached and just fake my emotions, I can't get hurt. Seems to work for everybody else...

[IndiReloaded]

Whatever your feelings, Cerby and Smackie are right. Anything you do to push your suit at this time will only serve to make her back up more.

Its a common reaction. Happens even in long relationships when one partner starts to pull from the other. Your instinct is to rush towards them, but its exactly the opposite of what you should do. Be cool, *act* like you don't need her. See other girls, let her see your awesomeness, but from a distance. She needs to wish she could 'get some of you'. If she starts to come around, post here again. The guys will have more advice on how to pace her interest. But if not, then you have taken the first steps to getting over this gal. Either way, you know what you need to do.

[haxan]

Get used to it because when you enter the world of adult dating the cold shoulder, avoidance, no returning calls and false hopes are common place.....

Smackie, bringing hope to singles everywhere

[smackie9]

I hated dating, it sucked ass, I'm so glad I don't have to worry about it, even though being with someone for 22 years has it's own set of challenges lol.