I cheated on my ex, now she wants me back, but I don't want to be with her.Help?

[pavels86]

So a couple of months back I cheated on my gf of 5 years. We had been living together and as soon as I told her, she told me to move out. So I did.

For a month after, she wouldn't speak to me, calling me every name under the sun, telling me that I ruined her life. Over the last month she has been in touch, told me that she wants us to be 'best friends' still and hang out. We met for the first time a few weeks back an slept together. Literally seconds after we slept together she told me that she doesn't want to give me any force hope and that we'll never get back together because she can never trust me again but doesn't want to loose me from her life altogether. During this time I know for a fact that she was hanging out with some guy she met in a bar, claiming they are only friends, but he was texting her when we were meeting for the first time a few weeks back and i know she has been out on nights out with him 'as mates' since. Now I don't believe that for a second. But now this guy is off the scene she really wants to hang out all the time and keeps messaging me saying she is lonely and wants to hang out as mates. But ive started to say no, one because it is too hard and two I actually don't want to get back with her. Since being on my own I've come to realise that the relationship was going down hill and maybe the reason for why i did what i did. Now I'm not saying she does want me back, but everyone seems to think she does and will soon ask to give things a try. I saw her on Sunday at a party and she got a bit drunk and wanted me to come home with her and i said 'no, it's not like we're going to get back together are we?' and she said 'i just dont know. ive been speaking to people about it and i dont know' and now as i'm writing this she is messaging me saying 'i miss cuddles, i miss feeling loved and safe. i'm very lonely' and ultimately i think thats. she just said 'its because im not with u and i cant be and its killing me'.

It's killing me that I know where she is and i can't come and look after her. she wants me to but i know i shouldnt. what do you all think?

[HeartIsAching]

I think you should be honest with her and tell her, then cut all contact.

And try to learn something from your mistake.

[TheCafeTerrace]

'i miss cuddles, i miss feeling loved and safe. i'm very lonely'

This says it all - there is a big difference between hating being alone and wanting to be with someone. I second HeartIsAching's advice, and don't ever cheat on anyone again.

[pavels86]

Firstly, I most certainly have learned my lesson and from my mistake and would never ever cheat on anyone ever again. It was a stupid mistake that led me to loosing so much and hurting so many people especially the person I love.

I agree with Cafe Terrace regarding her hating being alone. she didn't want to know a few weeks back when she was partying all the time, still in her full time job and hanging out with this new 'friend' of hers. but now that's all gone she wants to keep speaking to me all the time and its breaking me heart knowing ive gotta be strong for both of us and cut the contact. we were so so close, she was my best friend and we had such a connection but obviously that connection has been broken and the only thing to do is take a deep breath and move forward from everything.

The problem is now it's starting to feel like old times again, having a laugh, calling each other, winding each other up, looking out for each other etc, at least a month ago it was all so raw that she refused to talk to me. not that i wanted that at all, but right it doesnt feel like much as changed but so much has and personally i don't think she wants me i just think she is really lonely and feared that she'd be lonely so the relationship lasted longer than maybe it should have.

[pavels86]

She just messaged me this morning saying she was ill. she gets really badly ill at times and when she did last month she was saying how much she missed me. next day when she was fine she said 'sorry, shouldnt have done that.' i phoned her this morning to see if she is ok and she said 'i just want a cuddle. im just so lonely' and i think you are so right, she is just lonely and doesn't know how to be alone.

[Illusional]

grow some ****ing balls and tell her off... it's as simple as that.


raverboy

[pavels86]

how can i tell her off? i broke her heart! she just wants to keep me in her life, shes not doing anything wrong, shes just not understanding that its not a good idea for us to hang out after a 4 year relationship has ended. telling her off would be a terrible thing to do.

[Illusional]

do you want me to spelt it out for you?? tell her that you are no longer interested in having a relationship with her dumb ass. yes, she is dumb because after you broke her heart, sshe still doesn't realize what an asshole you are.


raverboy

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell her that you're sorry she's lonely, but you shouldn't talk anymore. Ignore all contact after that.