From the other side

[loveagain]

I'm not really seeking advice, just sharing recent experiences being back in the dating game for the first time since 1991. I was seeing someone exclusively then married them, lasted 17 years, then separated, later divorced, and in a relationship for 2+ years.

* My post-spouse relationship with with an older (50) woman, never married, no children. I'm not sure this was all that was involved, but conflict with my ex-wife, and her inability to integrate with my kids were big factors in killing the relationship. Now, mostly talking to and dating divorced women with kids, I see how frustrating it can be; like when someone lets their ex control their free time. On the other hand, being in those shoes, while it's frustrating I don't let it get to the way a single, childfree partner might.

* I recently was on the end of doing the breaking up for the first time (at least that I can remember). My last one broke it off with me. With my wife is was pretty much mutual. We were already living apart and went out to lunch one day to discuss things, she said "I think we're better friends apart than together." Since the breakup of my last relationship I've been out with 4 women (still talking to 1, the others didn't go anywhere), and talking to half a dozen others plus just getting out with friends about every weekend. I started talking pretty seriously with one woman a couple of weeks ago, a little long distance and due to other plans we had our first date out just coming up soon. Then the red flags started coming up. No one thing I couldn't handle, but the more she opened up to me about her life, and the more I asked about things that might be a concern, the more the warning the bells sounded. To shorten a long story, I finally broke off the date, blamed it on myself not being ready to move on yet and lacking the finances at the moment to maintain a long distance relationship, and her first reply was friendly, "take care of things and talk to me when you're ready" then suddenly she switched to psycho mode and finally said she was blocking me and don't think about contacting her. I told myself, "whew, you just dodged a bullet there. suspicions of mental health issues - confirmed."

That said, it wasn't easy.

[cheekxs]

This is not a diary so its a topic for advice or opinions when you put in on this website.

And i think its good for you to take more time to type. cause i can barely understand what you typed.

Looking to what you are saying how old are you? and i think you have a very rough relationship past.
that can scary a woman and keep her away from you.

Cause its a lot and you have kids and sounds like you are not able to keep no relationship on the right track.

If somebody tells me they had a lot of dates i can still think like ow well not great but, thats is dating to
get to know the person and stuff so people can have a couple of them. If its just getting to know each other!

But having a lot of relationships past and all with a lot of drama and that ended up bad and stuff makes me think like
maybe you need to take time stop looking for woman and start looking at yourself and your issues that
add to the problems you have had.

Often its more about you, then to keep changing partner to get less drama.\
Cause if you are a bunch of drama and trouble, and have issues you will infect also the good woman and make her bitter!

[vashti]

I guess we will just have to take your word for it that she has mental health issues, since you posted absolutely nothing to indicate that is the case.

[smackie9]

LOL! Doesn't dating suck? I'm so glad I'm not single.

Dating at this stage of the game is even more difficult because of ex wives/husbands and kids are in the mix. It gets easier when the kids are old enough to be out on their own.

Chin up my friend, and keep honest with your expectations...you will find someone. Best of luck.

[cheekxs]

I guess we will just have to take your word for it that she has mental health issues, since you posted absolutely nothing to indicate that is the case.

yeah i thought so 2. maybe topic starter did something during that period also that made her end it.

[smackie9]

I guess we will just have to take your word for it that she has mental health issues, since you posted absolutely nothing to indicate that is the case.

That isn't mental issues...that's frustration from hearing repeated excuses (I'm assuming) from numerous men, how it's "not the right time" for them to commit to a relationship with her. lol.


She is just tired of the bull shit too.

[loveagain]

I appreciate the support and the criticism. I realize I didn't provide a very coherent account, or many facts.

As to holding onto a relationship. I've been in 2 serious relationships since my early 20's. I was married to my ex-wife 17 years (and dated and lived together for 3 years before that), though we were separated the last couple of years. Then I was in a relationship with the GF who broke up with me recently after we were seeing each other for over 2 years.

Since then I've been on 1st dates with 4 women is what I should've said.
Date 1 - a few years younger, attractive, but no steady employment and 3 kids by 3 dads. Had a good time out to dinner, insisted I call, wrote when she got home that she wanted to see me again. A few days later texted that she was taking a break from dating to work on personal issues.
Date 2 - a few years older, very good job, very fit, in the middle of a divorce, kids grown, I thought we had a nice date but could sense she was a little uncomfortable with the things I told her about my ex and my kids, and she admitted she was still not comfortable dating while just being separated from her husband. But she said she wanted to go out again. Then, again within a few days she wrote that she was dropping out of dating for awhile. Old me would've been clingy and upset and tried to get them to reconsider. New me just wished both of them well, said look me up sometime if you like, and then deleted their numbers.
Date 3 - attractive but not very compatible with me, divorced but no kids and made some pretty negative remarks about kids. We had a lot of laughs but several times she was very critical of things I said which seemed odd for a first date. I asked her for a 2nd date and she wouldn't answer yes or no, just said to stay in touch. I haven't.
Date 4 - a little older, 3 kids and a grandchild, pretty, decent job but has to work a 2nd (so do I) to make ends meet. Level headed. We were both a bit nervous, but got along very well. We haven't gone out again, but we chat almost every day and I'm planning to ask her to go out again soon when both of us have time.

[loveagain]

About the woman with whom I broke things off recently and I said went "psycho" - It's true that I didn't discuss any of the red flags in my original post. I'm a little uncomfortable discussing specifics in a public forum, even anonymously. I'll think about it and explain more later.

[smackie9]

Dating is a crap-shoot, you will miss most of the time, it's always a gamble, but the more you date the more you increase your odds of meeting the right person. Life goes on.


Even though you have restrained yourself from being clingy, and properly sent these rejects off, by coming on here talking about it, you still are that person. So there is a possibility these women are picking up on that vibe, and making them gingerly reject you.