Mess over moving in together. Please help!

[staticline]

I'm confused with my feelings about moving in with my boyfriend. I've talked my doubts through with him but I think it's down to me now, I'd really appreciate some help making sense of this!

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we are both in our mid-late 20s. I love him dearly and we've had a great relationship, lots of fun together, but for the last couple of years I found myself increasingly concerned that things didn't seem to be moving forward. He's very close to his family, a bit of a mama's boy you might say, and he's never moved out of home or wanted to though he's had a good job for years. On the other hand, I'm more independent and I've been yearning for us to have our own space to grow for a while now, so a couple of years ago I asked him if he'd consider moving in with me and as you might expect I just got a bunch of reasons why not, mostly to do with finances, but when I worked out a budget that would work he dismissed it.

So I figured, he's not ready yet, we'd already discussed the fact that we'd both like a family eventually, so I assumed he'd be getting round to it and put the issue down. Anyway, 2 years down the line and still no real signs of him getting his act together over it, until a couple of months ago, just as my spirit was on the verge of breaking, he stated his intention to move in with me. Hurray! I was over the moon, finally things were coming together. Only that didn't last and I find myself with doubts.. if it's taken four years, is it really what he wants or is it just convenient now? (His parents moved home recently and there is not enough room for everyone) If it takes so long to decide I'm worth living with, surely I'm not the girl he can't live without. He has never considered my feelings amidst all of this, or acknowledged I was deferring my own needs, it's been 'like it or lump it'. Is everything always going to be on his terms? He really idolises his mum, who is rude to me, yet has nothing nice to say about my mum who has been hospitable to him for the last four years as he has come and gone as he pleased (we rarely stay at his). If we did have children together, would their care always be on his terms too, would my family get a look in?

I did move in with my ex boyfriend, before we split up and I returned home to see out my studies when money was tight. I know relationships are all very different, but I did learn that it takes love, commitment and respect for each other's needs to make living together work - I certainly know you both have to really want it, I guess this is the basis of my doubts. Yet clearly I'm still here and I do love him, I think he has many wonderful qualities. Are these legitimate doubts, requiring attention, or is this just a simple case of cold feet? Those of you who have moved in with your partners, did you experience doubts before moving in with your boyfriend/girlfriend? How did it work out?

[cheekxs]

You know what i will try to give you a more nicely comment.I think its great that you think about subject like that.
i dont hear people reply about things like that here often. witch is very important to talk about while dating 2.
But i dont know how old you guys really r.

But i think when you are a woman certain things yu need to leave them to the men to ask you.
You can let them know what you stand for and want. but its up to them to ask you.

I dont believe in living together. So im talking about getting married.

Cause it think living together is a very insecure situation. especially with kids.

And people with baby mamma, and mama boys, are 2 very annoying people to date/ So i would say if you are not the ruler. dont date mama boys!
Cause if there is no real love you will have more difficult time then fun.
cause their mom will stay on the top. And it may be also like you are fighting against mother and son.

and all i see in your topic is that you want this and that. i dont see anywhere that he wants all of that also. its like you think about all of that and he not jet

[staticline]

Thanks Cheeks! I appreciate your reply. I'm 25 and my boyfriend is 26.

I totally agree about leaving it up to the man - I'm quite traditional that way and I would have liked to've been asked, or at least for it to emerge as a mutual discussion - but after all that time and no talk or signs of it coming about, I asked him out right. I guess I got to the point where I wanted to know where I stood, and what his intentions were with respect to me. I suppose his replies disappointed me yet offered enough hope to stick around and find out. In hindsight I wish I'd walked away at that point rather than be stuck with doubts having invested 4 years. Certainly a lesson learned. Alas, it's too late now.

We have talked about marriage in the past and both agreed that if we were ever to decide to bring children into the situation, we would do it as a married couple. My parents were unmarried and I'm all too aware of the difficulties it can cause. So we at least have that settled.

My boyfriend being a mama's boy has caused heaps of trouble. >.< It's hard always coming second in line and dealing with her rude comments and tactics designed to cause friction between us - comments which he dismisses as "an unusual sense of humour". I can deal with all that though, what I worry about is the implications for any children we might have - I worry he may continue to be more invested in the role of being his mother's son than of being his children's father (or for that matter his wife's husband).

Thanks for your comments, food for thought.

[Ange Barnes]

If there are already issues to consider outside of living together (ie his relationship with his mum, your relationship with his mum...), how is adding 'living together' going to remedy this - or could it perhaps worsen things?