What Should I Do?

**SJJones** · 02-09-12, 07:47 AM

In a week I will have been in a relationship for a year. My gf’s name is Sam. We love each other (say it daily) and have openly talked about wanting to marry one another – we call it “unofficially engaged”. Sam genuinely plans for our future, e.g. we went to Thailand and (together) bought an expensive sculpture for the house we will someday own. Whenever we have an argument, or even if we’re just in bed she’ll usually ask “promise that you’ll still marry me”. Basically, I genuinely believe she wants to spend her life with me.

We see each other every day and spend almost every night together (5+ a week). One night a week I see my best friend, and Sam Skypes and texts her best friend through the week – other than that we don’t really see anyone else. If I spend more time away from her (e.g. try to see friends 3x a week) she gets angry and we have a fight. We spend most of our time together watching TV and talking. I don’t really like TV but when she asks what else I’d like us to do I don’t know.

I have a lot of issues with our relationship and am trying to decide if it’s actually worthwhile staying together. We have long-standing/recurrent issues but it is probably the more recent ones that have pushed me over the edge and made me seriously consider this.

Long-Standing/Recurrent Issues:
1.1 No sex: 1-2x a month (for the last 6+ months); on our 10-day trip to Thailand (just the two of us) we had sex 2 times (not 2 days, 2 times only). She doesn’t want to have sex more often than this. I certainly do, and I’m romantic (holding, kissing, sweet-talking) – I do these things almost daily when I don’t even want sex, just because I’m generally affectionate – but unless she initiates it, it’s always NO so I’ve stopped trying.

1.2 Her relationships w other guys: she says she’s a flirt and a “boy’s girl” not a “girl’s girl”. She has about 5-6 male friends and she has had a sexual history with literally all of them. The majority of them have tried to fool around with her after knowing that we were officially together. She has never cheated on me however and I believe this 100%. At uni she made friends with a guy that she admitted wanted to be with her - he bought her a copy of his favourite movie, his grandmother made a cake for her for her birthday (they’ve never even met), essentially he acted like he was her “uni bf”. I got very frustrated by this and every time she just said that “I’m not going to cheat on you so you have NO reason to be angry with me at all”. Even though I thought it was extremely disrespectful to our relationship. She continues all of these relationships even though she knows how much they upset me, and that they are all still sexually attracted to her. I feel like she enjoys putting herself in situations where she could cheat, even if she isn’t going to (like the uni guy). My relationships with my female friends are nothing like this - we have no sexual history/sexual tension and we never flirt when we hang out, just bond over mutual interests.

1.3 Losing my hobbies, friends: two nights ago I took her to a friend’s 21st - she said her foot hurt from work and sat on the floor eating whilst I spoke to people. I felt like a complete idiot. She did this the majority of the night, and yet after her 6 hour morning shift the next day she never once mentioned any foot pain. She doesn’t like my other friends and when they (now rarely) invite me to things she always says she doesn’t want to go (I always invite her). The last few times I took her to a social event, my friends individually tried having conversations to get to know her and make her feel welcome (prior to these events I asked them if they would), and Sam made much less of an effort. I haven’t seen a lot of my friends in >6 months now, many of them are angry with me for this.

More Recent Issues:
2.1 New job: she dropped out of uni (failed 3/4 subjects) 3 months ago and decided instead to work as a stable-hand at 2am-8.30am EVERY MORNING and 12pm-2.30pm four days a week. This was not necessary but she chose to do it anyway (she was aware I didn’t want her to). Whenever I drive over to see her now she falls asleep within an hour of me getting there so I feel like I’ve wasted my time coming over. Also, she’s always too tired to have a real conversation so I don’t feel like I can talk to her about anything important anymore (e.g. my mum is having surgery in 2 weeks for suspected ovarian cancer, I’m dealing with it alone).

2.2 Taking Aimee’s degree: my sister has wanted to be a Vet her entire life – she studied every day of high-school and just missed out on the marks to get in. She’s now doing a difficult uni course hoping to transfer into Vet next year (still studying every day). Sam never tried in school (or uni); she had depression in year 10 and ever since has used it to get bonus marks in school (and uni) - she brags that she puts no effort in and gets away with it. After failing semester 1 of engineering (and then getting dodgy medical certificates to turn them into much higher marks) she decided “I maybe want to be a vet” and is now going to apply for it. Due to those “bonus marks” she is pretty much guaranteed to get in without trying whereas my sister – who tries 110% every second of every day – might miss out. And Sam’s doing this even though she’s not sure she wants to be a Vet. This stresses me a lot, it makes me look at Sam with disgust, and my sister with sorrow. A few days ago she said she was really angry that I wanted Aimee to get into Vet more so than her.

2.3 Daily texting w old flame “Alex”: Alex has had a gf for 2+ years now and he cheated on her with Sam repeatedly, pretty much up until Sam and I started dating each other. Alex never loved his gf and said he was staying in the relationship for the regular sex. Alex and Sam text every day now and are constantly trying to see each other (because of her job they haven’t managed to yet). When I first found this out alarm bells rang in my head and I stormed out of the house for a 2 hour walk. All she had to say was “he was the one that started texting me, we’re just friends anyway (she thinks I have no reason to believe otherwise), I haven’t done anything wrong anyway” and then turns it onto me “you have no right to say who I can and can’t talk to” etc. She knows this frustrates me a lot but that hasn’t changed anything.

Other Issues:
3.1 I think I’ve already given a picture of some of the unfavourable ways that she acts - the more that I’ve seen over the year has gradually made me respect her less and less. She constantly asks “I’m good enough for you right?” and I used to immediately say “yes” (believing it) but now I answer more reluctantly.

3.2 Family: her oldest brother is a drug-addict with a criminal record (drug use, vandalism, etc) and once (whilst high) threatened to cut Sam with a kitchen knife - I immediately took her away from them. He currently still does drugs but the situation is nothing like that anymore, Sam is no longer unsafe around him. Her other brother is a very angry teenager who screams and throws punches every time he gets home from school - his parents are genuinely considering sending him off somewhere. Her mother has bipolar and has episodes where she “snaps” and verbally abuses everyone in the house. I have never once considered breaking up with Sam because of any of this - I have constantly taken her away from them when things get bad. I think that the reason she (at least thinks) she genuinely wants to be with me is because I’m an escape for her (potentially a life-long one) from her home-life. It might just be the stability that she craves, not me.

3.3 I am, by many standards, a “good catch” and being with me makes her family and friends look at her with much more respect (she has told me this). I am a student doctor, financially secure, fit/healthy, have never been aggressive, have no drug/alcohol problems - in her own words “I can’t believe you don’t have any baggage”. I wonder sometimes if she only wants to be with me because she thinks she wouldn’t be able to do any better - her male friends are all drug users - several times she’s asked me to promise I’ll never leave her for a nurse or another doctor when I’m older (I have never cheated on anyone before and have no intention of ever doing so).

3.4 Generally, I feel that she never believes I have a reason to be upset or angry - in her eyes she doesn’t do anything wrong, I just have trouble dealing with “completely acceptable” events. I feel like she’s trying to push me (or maybe take advantage of me) as far as she can without losing me - getting the best of both worlds. Also, whenever an argument ends she thinks that the issue is not only resolved but completely forgotten, even when for me it’s not and still stresses me out.

I have raised most of these issues with her at one time or another, however it doesn’t seem to really have any benefit so now I just try to avoid it. Issues that I have never really brought up are 2.2, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 3.4.

Please help me,
SJ Jones

**searock** · 02-09-12, 04:15 PM

The fact that she has a bipolar mother and an overall dysfunctional family has shaped her into the psychologically dysfunctional young lady that she is. You belittle her issues, but from everything you've described (not having any friends, having trouble meeting new people, feeling inadequate in school and social situations, being horrified at the idea of not being good enough for you, needing constant attention from other males, low libido, etc....), it seems pretty clear that she is still struggling with depression, or some similar issue. She needs therapy.

As to what you should do: you should break up with her. Clearly you aren't in love with her anymore, you don't even respect or like her anymore. Stop wasting your time over what you perceive as a lost cause.

**SJJones** · 02-09-12, 07:32 PM

Thanx for your candour. I can see your reasoning in saying that she needs therapy but her psychiatrist told her last year that she no longer needs anti-depressants and no longer requires ongoing counselling. That was an expert opinion from someone that's been involved in her life for the past 2-3 years.
That makes me think that she's not still struggling with a mental disorder and that a lot of these issues can change. If that is true then I want to stay with her because at least on some level she does still mean a lot to me. So maybe then we can recapture what we originally had. But this might just be me being ignorant or obstinate

**steviej** · 02-09-12, 07:39 PM

Get rid of this selfish, manipulative nutcase bitch asap. Why on earth are you with her? You can do so much better. Honestly, you'll feel the weight lifted off your shoulders the minute your get rid of her. You'll be seeing your friends again and thinking 'i should have done this ages ago'.

**searock** · 02-09-12, 07:51 PM

For how long have you felt miserable in this relationship? If it's longer than, say, a quarter of the length of the relationship, it means it's definitely time to break up. You've already discussed with her what you would like to change in the relationship, and it hasn't happened. Now you just don't feel the same for her as you once did. Not only you aren't in love with her anymore, you don't even like her anymore as a person.

I repeat steviej's question - why are you still with her? Just for the sake of "old times"? Things change...

**SJJones** · 04-09-12, 08:15 AM

I agree that that's probably the best thing to do. And yet I'm still reluctant to actually pull the trigger.
I know I don't want to be alone if it turns out my mum is sicker than we thought, coming out of a 1 year relationship as well would be too much for me (I've lost a lot of my self-esteem and confidence since being with Sam). And I thought that I could turn to my friends in that case instead but because we have fallen out of touch for so long now I don't feel like it would be appropriate.
Reading this doesn't make me think a lot of myself

**lovemuffin** · 04-09-12, 10:47 PM

I agree with the other two people. You can do much better. Sounds like Sam has some major issues and needs some serious therapy. Cheated with and behind male friend's gf... ADMITS shes' a huge flirt and has mostly guy friends... says they're all just friends.. but they are also ALL EX-LOVERS... and acting like you shouldnt be concerned.

Something stinks badly here and you deserve a lot better.

**Happy** · 05-09-12, 04:51 PM

You sound miserable and deserve better. I'm sure, by the sounds of it, you can do much better. Don't hold on to people who only bring you down. If she's not making you feel fufilled and happy in most aspects, then she's not right for you. Move on, and find a woman who fits to your standards, don't bend your standards to fit a shitty woman.

**SJJones** · 14-09-12, 11:01 PM

8 days ago I told Sam I wanted to go on a break. She broke down in tears, etc and we decided not to. We decided we'd work on the relationship (identified problems, listed some things both of us could do to help).
The last week has been quite good - a lot better than any of the last few months.
For whatever reason, tonight I felt insecure and hacked her facebook account and browsed her private messages (really not proud, but that's not the point of this post). It showed me a few things:
She has been flirting and making sexual advances on her male friends - not just one, ones she's close with.
Sometime before the last 8 days, she actually told her male work friends that we WERE on a break - this was BEFORE i said we should go on one. So she's made her male work mates think she's available, and on top of that is being sexual towards them. She sent one person hyperlinks to lingerie she wanted to buy (admittedly she said it was for our one year, but still wtf. and then they went on to joke about him wanting to see her walking naked on a beach)
On Friday (6 days ago) she had planned to go to a party with a guy from work, get really drunk with him and stay in his bed to sleep. She told me that she had been planning to go out with FEMALE friends from work and stay at one of the GIRL'S places. She texts this guy constantly and now I plan on reading her phone messages with him tomorrow should I get the chance (once again - not proud and I know it's wrong, but not the point). She didn't end up going out because she got kicked by a horse that morning and had to stay at emergency to make sure she wasn't badly injured (the tests have all come back by now, she's perfectly healthy and in no pain. I stayed with her for 6 hours at the hospital, and devoted this whole week to looking after her, sacrificing my work etc).

Tomorrow I am planning to read her messages, and then I will ask her "be completely honest - if I so much as think you are lying to me I will walk away from you forever - have you been acting inappropriately around your male friends? Do you say or do things that you know I wouldn't be happy about?" I will also ask her what she really planned on doing that Saturday night.

I want to know if she will be honest with me. But either way I will break up with her. I will tell her that she has never treated me well enough and that i can now see that all of my friends and family (and even her family) were right when they said that she wasn't good enough for me. I have lost so much because of her and our relationship has done little more than make me miserable. I will be happy to never see her again, I hope she enjoys her life much less than I will mine. I will also say goodbye to her parents and brothers - say thank you for always making me feel welcome in their home, and tell them that I have just broken up with Sam, with no intention of ever getting back together, because she is unfaithful to me.

I'm obviously very angry right now and maybe not seeing things clearly or acting appropriately. Please don't just insult me, if you want to criticise me please at least do it constructively. Please share your opinions with me - I'm completely alone right now.

**Boisdevie** · 14-09-12, 11:10 PM

You wanted a break. She cried. You backed down. You sad sad idiot. And now you find out she's lying to you. Excellent news man. So stop putting up with the shit, have some self respect and dump the ****ing bitch. Don't even go through the theatre of reading her messages. Just tell her it's over.

**SJJones** · 14-09-12, 11:22 PM

Yeah reading her messages probably isn't worth it - I do want theatrics when I break up with her though, I think that feeling like I'm hurting her will help give me a lot more closure, as cruel as that sounds.

**BackUpOrGetStng** · 14-09-12, 11:42 PM

Dump the bitch. Why the hell did you even need to come here and ask what the **** to do? If you stay for another day, you deserve to be continually chewed up and regurgitated like you have been already. Zero sympathy for you guy. You put up with this shit, you deserve it.

**SJJones** · 15-09-12, 06:47 AM

Thanks for your honesty everyone. I'm breaking up with her tonight, as soon as I see her. It's already making me feel better.

I'll let you know how it goes

**steviej** · 15-09-12, 04:23 PM

I hope you gave that bitch plenty of verbal abuse and kicked her sorry ass out the door!

Your life will be so much better without her.

**SJJones** · 15-09-12, 07:34 PM

I just broke up with her, it took 4 hours.
I walked into the house, took her to her room and asked "do u love me?" "of course" "would u ever try to cheat on me?" "no never".
I said okay, and then pulled out a transcript of her facebook messages between that work guy and began reading it aloud. She tried to make me stop probably a dozen times, she asked how I got them. Each time I said "shut the **** up, you do not have the right to speak" and continued reading.
The second I finished I said "I deserve A LOT better than you, and I never want to see you again". I went to the door and she blocked it with her body, I pulled her away and threw her onto the bed, and she jumped back up before I could get it opened.

She burst into tears, saying she was sorry and would do anything to change, all the usual sort of stuff that worked on me a week ago. She was saying things like how she didn't think she could go on without me etc and that made me feel like shit. I ended up saying something like "well how about after I finish uni for the year in december we can meet up again and see how things are". She promised she'd change (re: flirting with guys) and that she would never work harder at anything else. I told her that it's not something she can just change, it's a part of her personality, and hypothetically, if it was something that she could change then why didn't that happen 6-7 months ago when she saw how much her relationship with that uni guy Oliver hurt me?!

I left her house with us saying we'd see each other in december and see how things are, and then if we try again we will go very slowly. Right now I don't have any intention of being with her again later, I only agreed to this to get away from her, and because I was (and still am) legitimately scared she'd have a complete mental breakdown (she was bawling, tremoring). I stressed we'd be single and she kept saying how "she wouldn't be with anyone else anyway" (I made no such promise, and after she said that I told her that I didn't even want her to say that). Every now and then I started feeling bad for her, then that transcript came back into my head and I was able to keep angry and focussed on what our relationships really like.

I really hope that her life doesn't spiral out of control, I can't have that on my conscious. At the same time, I'm glad to be free - it's very bitter sweet. Not at all as alleviating as I had originally thought it would be.

Thread: What Should I Do?

Thread Tools

What Should I Do?

Posting Permissions