please read and respond honestly

[Laila F22]

I broke up with my ex about 4 months ago, for various reasons. I love him so much, but I didn't feel like he was showing me we had a mature future together. We'd been together for 19 months. We've been in contact almost every day since, however there have been weeks at a time we haven't spoken after a few bad arguments.
He asked occasionally for us to discuss things again and if we had a future, I said no. I thought it would be easier to just move on and that my feelings would die over time. They haven't, and past few months we have argued very often, usually instigated by me. I think I've drained him very much.
About a month ago, I admitted I still loved him and would like to discuss the possibility of us getting back together, which he was keen to do. We got together and talked, and I said I would wait and see if he could get his own stuff together. He can be immature and lazy. He seemed disappointed by this, suggesting I just wanted to party around in the meantime and be single, which isn’t true.
I do not want him out of my life because I love him so much, but having him in it when we're not together is destroying me - leading to the ugly arguments I start so I thought we should try being together again.
We had been really good the past few weeks, saying sweet things to each other occasionally and other night we went out and had a really nice night. After, however, we kissed and then he become very upset, crying and saying he hated me and didn't want to see me again. He said when I am around he still feels the same, but when I am not he can stop himself from thinking about me because he's mentally strong.

I asked him if he would like to be together and he said 'why now' and why I hadn't asked to do this earlier and not waited so long to realise we could be together and that he would need to think about it. He said he thought we were meant to be but he doesn’t know if he wants to find out anymore. He's quite immature and is the type that would think 'she made me wait around and said no, I'll do the same now' which is why I'm confused as to whether I should leave it for good.

I became very anxious and adamant we should discuss it immediately. The last few days I have spent crying and pleading to give us a chance, to no avail. He and I never slept together, and I know it bothered him so I said if it was about having sexual freedom before we get back together to just be honest, but he said its not about that. He said it is 'too late', and when I asked if he loved me still he refused to answer, and when I asked him again yesterday he said maybe a little bit but not enough. Just a few weeks ago, up to a week ago we'd been discussing getting back together for hours on end, its just now I've said how about we try now? I decided I loved and trusted him enough to be with him while he got his act together.

Last night we spoke again about things and he said he didn't know, he didn't think he wanted to try now. I even said he can kiss other girls (pathetic I know) while we build us back up and he yelled at me and asked why I'd degrade our relationship like that. He said to me maybe we should have a month exactly apart, and that we will meet up this time next month and see how we feel. Do you think he's just saying that to get me to go away?
Do you think there's any chance he still loves me and would want to try again or should I really just get over it?

[sam13]

lemme guess
your materialistic

you found a guy you loved and you messed it up

if i were him i'd be hurt too and stay away from the likes of you

[Laila F22]

No. I'm far from materialistic.
I'm a very ambitious driven person and I would like the man I'm with to reflect those same values. I know he has it in him, it is simply a matter of pulling himself out of his motivational rut, listening to his family and close friends in telling him he needs to grow up. I wanted him to do so while we were together, it bothered me that he wasn't and in the months we've been apart he's made no changes in working out what he wants for himself. However, I cannot get this person out of my mind and I wanted to go with it instead of hoping it would go away.

[sam13]

worst thing a woman can do is try to change a man to suit her

some men need time to grow and decide themselves when they ready to grow up

some men just dont want the responsability of a family .... till they ready

sometimes its good to just chill

is your biological clock ticking??

how old are you guys


and you giving him sexual freedom= no real future unless you plan to swing lol

[Laila F22]

Nah haha I'm only 20, he's 21. I'm seeing that now - I believe he will grow up and I work very hard and have my goals in order but you're right - he needs to be ready to grow up.

I know, when I offered it to him he yelled at me. Honestly, do you think giving him a month of complete space may be able to get us back together? Or is he over it and that's it?

[searock]

You want to shape him into what you think is right, instead of accepting him exactly as he is. You basically blackmailed him: "we can get back together, but only if you get you act together and stop being so lazy". It's actually a legitimate request: you know that you can't be happy in a relationship with someone who is lazy and not as ambitious as you, so you made that clear, which is good. He just legitimately chose to keep being himself, rather than being with you and having to withstand constant nagging and feeling like he isn't what you want him to be.

[Laila F22]

Yea I get that, but he's been expressing his desire to change, he himself hates that he's become like that. I've just recently concluded that we are young, we make each other (generally) very happy so shouldn't we just be together...the same point he'd been trying to make for months I guess.

[smackie9]

What he wants you to do is accept him for who he is, and to love him unconditionally. Number one thing guys truly want is a supportive woman that understands them.

I feel the issue here is incompatibility. You are ambitious, he is not. So basically you shouldn't be wasting your time, and better off meeting someone who shares the same views on life.

[surfhb]

Plus you're only 20 or so.....it's not like you are Planning a future with anyone. Date and have fun...

[Wakeup]

Yea I get that, but he's been expressing his desire to change, he himself hates that he's become like that. I've just recently concluded that we are young, we make each other (generally) very happy so shouldn't we just be together...the same point he'd been trying to make for months I guess.

You don't make each other happy at all. If you did, then you wouldn't have left him when he didn't change to be who you want him to be. You need to leave him alone and realize that he is not the man that you're meant to spend the rest of your life together so stop tormenting yourself by trying to control him and failing at it.

Why don't you get on with your life by leaving him alone and if he wants to go back to you, he knows how to reach you.. Don't expect his return while you're getting on with your life and soon enough you'll realize he is not compatible enough with you in order for your relationship to last the test of time.