May have found the love of my life but not ready.

[Ryndal84]

Hi,

I have a very long story to share. I would appreciate if you or someone you know has been in a similar situation before and can offer me some advice.

I am 25 years of age in South East Asia (in a very fast paced city nation), a mere diploma holder and am just starting out in my career, although I am still unsure if I have settled on staying in my current industry (as an educator). I am trying to save some money to further my graduate studies overseas in Canada, eventually emigrating to Canada and settling down there. My plan will not take flight until at least 5 or so years later, placing me at 30. I will not consider marriage and settling down before this period.

I have a slightly flirtatious nature in general when it comes to dealing with girls.

I have been in a relationship with Betty for 1.75 years, starting in Jan 2011 and ending in Sept 2012. In June of 2012, I met another girl, Veronica. I have left Betty for Veronica and am currently in a relationship with Veronica. (Please read on before assuming this is a trivial matter of infatuation and the like.)

About Betty

Betty is 2 years older than me, a graduate, and is an educator as well. She has always been quite a nerd, naive, and relatively inexperienced in relationships and guys. I am her first real, long term partner and before me, she had mentioned that she used to long for a partner whenever she traveled on the metro, or wherever and saw other couples PDA-ing (Public Displays of Affection), or doing other couple stuff, like holding hands, etc. When I came along, she was elated and, as a devout Christian, extremely thankful to God for finally bringing her the love of her life. She put all her effort into this relationship and really wanted things to work out.

I was working as a temporary staff in her office for 1 month when we got to know each other and had been together since then.

Throughout our time together, she has offered me plenty of advice and help with regards to being an educator, saving and planning for my future, etc. She has always been around to aid me and to care for me, especially with issues in helping me achieve my dream to emigrate overseas. She used to relish in my bringing her out for nice meals in expensive restaurants, and allowing me to foot the bill. But ever since knowing my plans for Canada, she has been helping me to save as much money as I can, choosing to eat at cheaper diners and going dutch in more expensive places. In fact, she will often remind me to save more money (even though I myself am usually quite thrifty by nature, splurging only when I really wanted Betty to be happy.)

If Betty were to follow my dreams like she says she wants to, it would place her at 32 when she starts to study for her Master's. Her family is not disapproving, but has voiced concern over our age difference and my refusal to settle down locally, anytime soon.

Betty is a small town girl and has never had big dreams for herself. She has since long just wanted to settle down simply and have a happy family. When I mentioned my future plans to emigrate, she was ever-ready to follow me through all the way, planning to save money in her career and later study for her Master's in Canada as well.

Betty is a simple girl who uses minimal make-up (and not very well done), does not often go for, or give herself manicures, does not spend on hair treatments, etc, and basically does not really pay lots of attention to her appearance. She might be considered marginally overweight, (by average girl standards), and, if you wanted to be really harsh, is decent looking at best.

Betty is, in almost all aspects, a very pleasant girl who works very hard, although not necessarily very smart. This has lead her to become overly obsessed and bogged down with her duties. She would many times, end a work day crying and sobbing over the phone due to how stressed she is. I would offer her ways and ideas to efficacize her life and routine but she often did not follow through.

In all senses, she is just not a very organized worker despite having many more years of work experience than I, in large part due to her obsession with wanting to perform her absolute best in everything. (It needs to be said that though her office may not be one of the easiest to cope with, and while her colleagues are also overworked, they still know how to prioritize and therefore, though busy, are still able to make it through most of their workload.)

She will regularly be disappointed and depressed and will pour her heart out to me that she is extremely stressed with her work or life. For example, 3 months into our relationship, she broke down and cried to me about her past, how her family had problems, causing some of the troubles she was currently having, etc. This at first screamed, "Emotional baggage" to me, but I chose to ignore it because she seemed like a really great girl who didn't deserve what life was putting her through.

Betty's disorganization extends to her life at home as well. As an example, when I dine over, she will bring out the food to eat, but when I have sat down, ready for the meal, she will find 999 more things to do before she can sit and eat with me. Going to the kitchen to take a missing fork or spoon may take 10 mins because she will get distracted by the TV in the living room, and she'll stand there for minutes until a commercial break or some such to snap her back to reality. She insists that this is some sort of medical condition, but I have no comment.

She is also often late for our appointments, to the point that I, for the most part, have chosen to go to her home and watch movies, hang out, etc there instead of going out. That way, she will have fewer chances to make me wait. Waiting for her 20-30 mins at malls is standard procedure and I have waited for her 90 mins on one occasion. 60 min waits are also not that uncommon.

These are some of the things that have really begun to get on my nerves in recent months.

You may be thinking by now that perhaps Betty would have served me better as a god-sister of sorts, that perhaps it was wrong of me to enter into this relationship in the first place.

When I first got into the relationship with Betty, deep down, I was counting on a fling of sorts. I was just starting my own life in the world and was actually looking to having some fun in bars, picking up girls with the guys and just living life on my new disposable income, and just generally living life, traveling to different countries with different women, etc. (This idea I had of life was probably a little more exaggerated than what I could possibly get, but still.)

First of all, she was an older woman, with probably a lot of experience in relationships and sex, and probably just wanting to have some fun with me. This was something I could live with, and in fact was kind of looking forward to. Second, I didn't expect an older woman to be interested in someone just starting out in his career. Third, she didn't really have everything I was looking for in a partner at first.

Only a few months into the relationship did I realize that this could be, and would be for the long term.

A bigger problem is that, in the past 6 - 9 months since Feb 2012 or so (a little over a year into it), I have been feeling, on a sub-conscious level, like wanting to withdraw from the relationship. Even to the extent of feeling slightly disgusted when we had to kiss or make out. I have no idea why I was feeling this way and would just try to throw the thoughts of disgust out of my head and continue on to not hurt her.

Is there any plausible reason for this sudden loss of sexual attraction?

I only realized in the past couple of weeks that I may have been having feelings of withdrawal because I feared commitment. Or it could also be a culmination of all of the above reasons. She has generally been very accommodating towards my habits (bad and good) throughout.

About Veronica

Veronica is 2 years younger than me. She is a diploma holder (like me), and also an educator. She is relatively new in my office and I only started speaking to her around July 2012.

Veronica is very much more like a 'typical girl' in the sense that she spends (her own money) on herself to maintain her physical appearance. She goes for hair treatments, colors her nails, and basically dolls herself up. Now, take note that I wouldn't consider her materialistic for she is still a lot more grounded than the type of woman one might imagine from the term 'materialistic'.

Veronica is a lot more experienced in relationships and sex and is therefore, a lot more adventurous where Betty was not. This was actually one of my turn-ons in looking for an older woman; that she be more adventurous and less naive and shy in such matters.

She expressed a strong desire to get to know me better. We talked, dated, and eventually got together within a month from the first day of my speaking to her.

Thus far, Veronica has also come across as a very grounded woman, much like Betty, and while slightly more spendthrift, still shows effort in helping me to achieve my Canada emigration dream and tries to help me save money as well, ever since hearing about it. Albeit, she could overall be considered more spendthrift than Betty.

Veronica has had a penchant for dating 'bad boys' in the past. I have met her family and they have thus far been receptive and open, somewhat surprised at my comparatively pleasant demeanor.

I also realize that I do not know Veronica nearly long enough to make a fair comparison and to have a good understanding of her habits (bad and good), hence the much shorter portion of text on Veronica.

The Situation

A couple of months prior, I had spoken to Betty about whether or not we had a future together. I wasn't sure if she was happy struggling to start a life together with me when she could be together with someone who would have a better career, and who could take care of her much more comfortably since she wasn't really that young anymore.

It was full of tears and she was adamant that we could work things out and she was very sure that she didn't want to lose our relationship. It came as something of a surprise for her and she felt that she just wasn't ready to return to single-hood, once again longing to do couple things and PDA-ing and long walks on the beach.

Fast forward 2 months and we once again had this talk. She realized that she was thinking somewhat irrationally and superficially before and failed to take into consideration how I might be feeling insecure about providing for her, and whether or not it was in our best interests to continue the relationship in which she would have a lot more to lose than I if our plan went awry.

I also mentioned that if Betty were still alone when I was certain of my life and ready commit (in 5-7 years), and if she were not taken by then, that there was a small chance of... possible... reconciliation, perhaps.

For a short period of about 1 or 2 weeks, I was dating both women and while they were not aware, this caused me to neglect Betty a bit more than usual due to time limitations. This caused a lot of friction between Betty and myself and has partially led to our breakup today.

My Cause for Discontent

If I could have everything I wanted, I would wish that I could go off and do my own thing, and Betty would be around 5 years from now to live the rest of our lives together. I understand that this is a ridiculous request and it would be completely unfair to Betty even if she were okay with it. The past few months have gotten me thinking that I may have found the best girl for me (Betty), willing to go through thick and thin, but I just don't feel that I am ready to go into marriage having only dated only 3 women in my life as of now.

Am I making a terrible mistake and being extremely superficial and inane?

[Boisdevie]

I have a very long story to share. I would appreciate if you or someone you know has been in a similar situation before and can offer me some advice.

I can't offer advice as I'm not prepared to read all that.

[DerekDrake]

My parents married without ever having dated any other people. Impressive huh? I'm still shocked.

I skipped a little from the start and pause at the point where you were slightly disgusted when you kissed or make out. I'm wondering if you just mean discomfort. Cause i've heard bad kissing techniques have bad effects. You already "bored" of Betty. You cheated on her by dating other people. Age never means shit to me. It's the old wives tale that the husband needs to be older than wife so the husband more mature, being the head of family, taking care...blah blah blah...but this is South East Asia, these things kinda common. She's willing to wait for you. You don't need to rush into marriage, just give it a few years.

But wait a minute, you say "dating both woman" and "led to your breakup(with Betty)" on 2 next sentences. What am I missing here?

[Ryndal84]

Hi Derek, thanks for replying.

My spending time with Veronica caused me to neglect Betty. This caused feelings of resentment.

I also don't think it had to do with bad kissing techniques... For it is no different from now I normally do.

And I know I don't have to rush into marriage. But my very commitment to Betty means I have to stick with her, whether married or not, for the rest of our lives.

I've always been one to want to enjoy kinda like, "The Yuppie Lifestyle", chilling after work at bars, fast cars, traveling, flirting, the single dude life, of sorts.

Thus I wonder if I'm being very shallow and letting the best girl for myself slip right through my fingers.

[Blondi3]

It's not about being superficial or inane, its about being honest - the thought of being with her doesn't excite you enough to get over what you sacrifice to do so. In fact it's turning you off to the point where your losing your sex drive. That's not good.

Don't be ashamed of yourself for wanting a different lifestyle to the one she's offering. But equally don't string her along if your not happy to match what she's prepared to put into the relationship. I don't doubt you care but most of what you say about her is about what she does for you - she'll stand by you, she'll look after you - she'll be a good little wifey when your ready for one. Meanwhile you resent the idea of compromising your lifestyle for her and you've already had your head turned by Veronica.

My advice is walk away. Live your life have fun and find the woman who makes settling down seem like a fantastic idea, not a chore. And let her go and find the guy who gets that thrill from her. But don't keep her dangling. You can't say how things are going to turn out in 5 years - but chances are if the idea with her forever isn't blowing you away now, it won't then. It'll be settling for a woman you know you can trust - which will in the long term will suck for you both, as you wander what you could have had and she knows she was just the consolation prize.

[Ryndal84]

Thank you for replying, Blondi3.

What you said affirms what I concluded and is actually the reason why I decided to break up with Betty. However, I can't help but feel like I might just be making the biggest mistake of my life and throwing everything away for temporal satisfaction.

My biggest fear is not so much for myself, but that my decision now might cause Betty and myself to be married to someone we each end up being unhappy with because of my (in some perspectives) immaturity and need for immediate satisfaction and being unable to think for the long term.

[Blondi3]

Ok - I'm going to try not to sound too harsh - but if you genuinely think your worried for her sake, your kidding yourself. Your not scared the next guy's going to make her unhappy, your scared he's going to make her so happy that your back up plan forgets you. If her happiness was your priority you'd be stepping up now and HAPPY to do it. But your not - you want to keep this woman on hold as your safety net and you want someone on here to tell you that's ok. Well its not. You don't feel enough for this woman to commit - so anything other than letting her go is being selfish. Dress it up however you want - this comes down to you being scared to turn down an easy option, for the risk of something better that may or may not turn up. To be blunt - MAN UP. Life is about taking risk. Using someone as a safe option isn't just cruel, it's cowardly. And I think you know this or else you wouldn't be writing essays on advice forums trying to convince yourself otherwise.

[TheCafeTerrace]

Well said Blondi3

[Ryndal84]

Thank you for your feedback, Blondi3. However, I think you're giving me a tad too little credit.

I sincerely do want Betty to be happy. However, I do agree that I don't think I can make both Betty and I feel absolutely fantastically wonderful and happy at the same time. I do wish someone else would be around to give her joy, for I would feel terrible for the rest of my life if she happened into, perhaps, an abusive relationship or something of that nature. She is a great girl, and I really do wish the best for her. I just don't feel that I'm the best person (from her perspective) to do that.

And to rephrase (from what I said earlier that might seem selfish), I wish that I would have met Betty in 5 years' time when I'm stable and prepared to commit, rather than to have met her now when my life's in a bit of a mess and still having many items on my 'Things To Do Before I Settle Down' list.

I think I misrepresented my feelings when I said that I wish Betty would be around in 5 years' time when I was ready. I also realize that to string her along would be a terrible thing to do, and would incur the wrath of every living creature. This is why I never considered doing that.

If I do decide to return to her, of course I would sacrifice everything on my 'To Do' list and dedicate myself to her forever.

My question is therefore, whether I am being silly to not make the sacrifice?

Nonetheless, thank you for your replies.

[Maple1714]

Thank you for your feedback, Blondi3. However, I think you're giving me a tad too little credit.

I sincerely do want Betty to be happy. However, I do agree that I don't think I can make both Betty and I feel absolutely fantastically wonderful and happy at the same time. I do wish someone else would be around to give her joy, for I would feel terrible for the rest of my life if she happened into, perhaps, an abusive relationship or something of that nature. She is a great girl, and I really do wish the best for her. I just don't feel that I'm the best person (from her perspective) to do that.

And to rephrase (from what I said earlier that might seem selfish), I wish that I would have met Betty in 5 years' time when I'm stable and prepared to commit, rather than to have met her now when my life's in a bit of a mess and still having many items on my 'Things To Do Before I Settle Down' list.

I think I misrepresented my feelings when I said that I wish Betty would be around in 5 years' time when I was ready. I also realize that to string her along would be a terrible thing to do, and would incur the wrath of every living creature. This is why I never considered doing that.

If I do decide to return to her, of course I would sacrifice everything on my 'To Do' list and dedicate myself to her forever.

My question is therefore, whether I am being silly to not make the sacrifice?

Nonetheless, thank you for your replies.

Life doesn't always follow a plan....so live for the moment. If you really loved Betty than you wouldn't be questing so much. Let her go for now and in 5 or however many years if you still think about her and want to try again then contact her. You have no idea where your life will take you...and it sounds like you are looking for someone more interesting than Betty. She isn't "the one" just the safe one.

[Blondi3]

If it feels like a 'sacrifice' then no your not being silly. Its not time or 'to do' lists that determine when people should settle down, its when they feel they've met the right person. With the right person, you make it work. You don't, so don't.

As for your concern for Betty - get out of the way and the grown woman might just learn to take care of herself. She's responsible for her own well being. This concern about her being in an abusive relationship sounds like you think your the best she can get and your doing her a favour by being with her. Your not. You've cheated on her. So you've already abused her trust. Nor are you protecting her by stopping her looking for someone else. I know its not a common thing for a woman to admit, but there are plenty of men that don't cheat or abuse women - the majority in fact. If you got out of the way, she's just as likely to meet one of them as someone else who'll treat her worse than you.

And in terms of not giving your feelings for Betty enough credit...

Betty is a simple girl ... overweight... is decent looking at best... not necessarily very smart... not a very organized worker... She insists that this is some sort of medical condition, but I have no comment... often late for our appointments.

When most men talk about the woman they see their future with they struggle to say a bad word. You struggle to say a good one. The only time you talk about her with any sense of affection is when you talk about what she does for you, the effort she puts into your relationship. None of her 'flaws' would matter if she was the love of your life. That's how come so many imperfect mere mortals have great relationships. But to you they do. So move on, get on with what makes you happy and leave her alone. If do you get in touch with her in 5 years time, make it because you miss HER and not because you miss what she does for you.

[InYourFACE]

if you want me to read all of that you need to start paying!!