Got back with my ex girl, but now I'm extremely worried...

[Marcus2012]

Hi everyone, I registered here, because I realy need some advice... hopefully someone can give me some. I'd appreciate that a lot...

Well, I got back with my ex girlfriend after a 7 month breakup. She was always a very difficult person to deal with... one day she was happy, the other she was sad, the other she was angry, and this led to lots of fights and then the break up. There was other reasons than that... but... that's not the issue...
I had already gotten over her and I was fine, but she came to talk to me, saying she regreted breaking up me, that she realized I was the man of her life, that she saw the mistakes she did and that she wanted to change her ways.

Well... I believed her. And we are back for a month now.

Everything is going great, we love each other very much and we are doing ok. But......... I just can't get this feeling that she will change her mind sooner or later. It's driving me crazy. Everything that she does (or doesn't) makes me panic (I don't show that to her). I keep thinking she will leave me again, that she will change her mind again, and knowing how she was, this wouldn't be difficult...

She looked so determined when she came to talk to me a month ago. She said she was going to listen to me, she wanted to change college, she even said she was going to se a psychologist to help her with these indecision issues that she had... but she hasn't done any of those things so far. She gave up the decision to change her college, she didn't look for a psychologist so far and she doesn't seem to be listening to my opinions that much.
None of those things affect us directly, but they show me that she is still a very doubtful person...

All I wan't is to relax, to feel good about myself, with no worries. I wan't to focus on my work, in my sports, in other things I do, but she affects everything!
What can I do? I can't leave her just for that and I can't keep talking to her about my insecurities... I fear this will only drive her further away and will make me look desperate...

Any advices?

Thank you very much.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Don't invest so much in her. Treat it as a new relationship. Don't see her so often either. Just see her a couple times a week for the next few months. Or just say **** it and tell her you don't trust her since she hasn't done anything she said she would, and break up with her.

[Cerby]

tell her you don't trust her since she hasn't done anything she said she would, and break up with her.

This. She made promises that she couldn't come through on, and in only a month she is already showing her old habits. Things will get worse, not better, end it before you get in too deep again.

[Marcus2012]

I love this girl, and she really loves me... apart from her being a doubtfull person, we relate really really well. I can't just dump her.

Decided not to change college. Well... as I saind that doesn't affect us. It's her decision (even though it was one of the things that showed me she was decided to change her life)
Going to the psychologist. What if she intends to go yet? Shouldn't I ask her why she didn't go?
Not listening to me. Well, we didn't had any big fights yet, but... what if she is trying to change but will take some time?

I don't think that these are reasons enough for me to break up with her. And even if it is, I think she deservers a few talks before, no?

I really want this relationship to work, and I will not give it up so easily. For now, my "worrying too much" problem is what is bothering me more.

[Cerby]

I would assume those "talks" led to your first breakup. The reasons why you broke up in the first place are likely still present. Wanting to make it work doesn't translate directly to it actually working.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Marcus, you're a ****ing idiot. You're making excuses for her. You should only give a new relationship a chance if she has ALREADY changed into a person you want to be with. You deserve what she is about to put you through. Good luck.

[T-J]

I know what it's like when you convince yourself you love someone. Nothing/nobody else matters. But I would be careful with this relationship...

- A leopard never changes its spots -

There are plenty more girls out there my friend.

[Marcus2012]

I would assume those "talks" led to your first breakup. The reasons why you broke up in the first place are likely still present. Wanting to make it work doesn't translate directly to it actually working.

Not really the talks... it was her way of thinking. She was imature and doubtful, you know...
But, what if it does work? What do I have to loose?

Marcus, you're a ****ing idiot. You're making excuses for her. You should only give a new relationship a chance if she has ALREADY changed into a person you want to be with. You deserve what she is about to put you through. Good luck.

I think you're overreacting. She didn't do anything so drastic yet as I said in my attempt to make excuses for her (yeah, maybe I am an idiot for doing that, but... what if it's true?).
It's easy telling someone to just dump the person he/she loves, but it's not easy actually doing it yourself. And I don't think I beeing such an idiot... it's not like I'm forgiving her for cheating on me, or she is just after my money, or she is a mean bitch, or something...

I know what it's like when you convince yourself you love someone. Nothing/nobody else matters. But I would be careful with this relationship...

- A leopard never changes its spots -

There are plenty more girls out there my friend.

I know, and I am beeing careful. As much as I can be...

And this "there's plent of fish in the sea" is something I really don't see as true. It's prety damn hard to find a woman that meets your criteria these days.

[Wakeup]

I'm not understanding why you would go back to her just on her word. Words mean NOTHING unless they are backed up by action. Next time someone says they're going to do something after they've broken up with you, then tell them you'll reconsider a reconcillation after they've done what they've promised first.

And this "there's plent of fish in the sea" is something I really don't see as true. It's prety damn hard to find a woman that meets your criteria these days.

But sweety, she does NOT meet your criteria either. If she did, then you'd not be angst ridden and waiting for her to do to you what she's already done and has yet to do a thing to improve on.
So... don't use "she meets my criteria" as an excuse to leave because she clearly does not meet them or this thread wouldn't exist.

You're not going to have the strength to leave her before she tears your heart assunder so just ask her when her therapy sessions start and when she tells you she hasn't booked any you can talk to her about reneging on her promise(s) then.

[Marcus2012]

I'm not understanding why you would go back to her just on her word. Words mean NOTHING unless they are backed up by action. Next time someone says they're going to do something after they've broken up with you, then tell them you'll reconsider a reconcillation after they've done what they've promised first.

I definitely should've waited more before going back with her, but I was afraid... I was the one who dumped my previous girlfried before her and I had never passed trough this experience of rejection and regret... But it's done already. I'm already back with her... nothing I can do now, but... lesson learned.

But sweety, she does NOT meet your criteria either. If she did, then you'd not be angst ridden and waiting for her to do to you what she's already done and has yet to do a thing to improve on.
So... don't use "she meets my criteria" as an excuse to leave because she clearly does not meet them or this thread wouldn't exist.

She is the one that met most of them so far... Perfection does not exist. I don't know if I'll ever find someone that meets them all.

You're not going to have the strength to leave her before she tears your heart assunder so just ask her when her therapy sessions start and when she tells you she hasn't booked any you can talk to her about reneging on her promise(s) then.

I'll do that!!!! Next week will be exactly a month since we are together (again). I'll take her out, have a nice night and then ask her what you said... what do you think?

[Wakeup]

She is the one that met most of them so far... Perfection does not exist. I don't know if I'll ever find someone that meets them all.

Then start enjoying what you have with her and quit worrying about what MIGHT happen... until they do. *insert evil laugh here* (sorry, just being a pain)

I'll do that!!!! Next week will be exactly a month since we are together (again). I'll take her out, have a nice night and then ask her what you said... what do you think?

I think it's a fine idea *bats eyelashes* but you best have the next question ready for when/if she tells you something like "oh things are going so well I didn't think they were necessary now." Her issues have not just disappeared over this short of a period of time and it is likely only a matter of time before they rear up again... you might want to use your own words but tell her something to that effect.

Good luck, Marcus.

[Marcus2012]

FYI... just had a fight with her about something really stupid. The subject is not important... the thing is, she didn't listen to me again. She put herself in defensive mode as always.

Well. She is going to travel now for a project, will be back in 2 days and we are not in good terms.
She decided to go without consulting me, which makes me pissed and I asked her to cancel after she told me (after the fight) and she said she couldn't now.

She left saying that she loves me and we will talk when she gets back. I really feel like an idiot...
I will talk to her when she gets back but I don't know if I will be able to keep cool this time. I'll probably spill everything out and if she doesn't agree I'll (try to) break up with her.

I don't wanna fight for her anymore... I wan't her to fight for me (maybe I'll tell her that... hum).

It's gonna a hell of a hard weekend though =/

[Wakeup]

FYI... just had a fight with her about something really stupid. The subject is not important... the thing is, she didn't listen to me again. She put herself in defensive mode as always.

Well that begs the question: Why does she get defensive? How do you communicate so that she shouldn't get defensive?

Well. She is going to travel now for a project, will be back in 2 days and we are not in good terms.
She decided to go without consulting me,

What you mean you'd be okay with her going as long as she just told you before booking or, are you saying that you'd not let/want her to go period? If it's the latter, then I can see why she wouldn't consult you.. better to do and be forgiven then not to be able to go at all.

which makes me pissed and I asked her to cancel after she told me (after the fight) and she said she couldn't now.

Why would you ask her to cancel? What horrible place is she going to or thing that she will be doing that makes you want to tell her to cancel?

She left saying that she loves me and we will talk when she gets back. I really feel like an idiot...
I will talk to her when she gets back but I don't know if I will be able to keep cool this time. I'll probably spill everything out and if she doesn't agree I'll (try to) break up with her.

I'm teetering on a fence here in that I don't know whether to lean towards her being a stupid beotch who hasn't learned anything or you being a controlling douche who expects her to yield to your whim? Hmmmm?

I don't wanna fight for her anymore... I wan't her to fight for me (maybe I'll tell her that... hum).

How about you quit fighting period, learn how to communicate your desires and to compromise.. takes two to do that. Only you know if she's worth the anxiety anymore and whether or not you should try to figure it all out so you both can be content.

It's gonna a hell of a hard weekend though =/

It will be less hard if you keep yourself busy doing things with your friends or picking a project to do at home that you've been putting off or reading up on the art of communication and how to relay your thoughts effectively.

Be well.

[Marcus2012]

Okay, lets see...

I normally would be ok with her traveling, even if she didn't ask me before. Normally... but not after a fight.
If was in her place, I would't go in the first place... and if I'd already compromised myself to go, then I would to everthing in my power to cancel it, because I know how much it sucks to fight with your partner and then having to stay away for days with the fight beeing the last thing on your mind.

I just asked her to stay, because I didn't wan't her to go now. As I said, we had just fought... I shouldn't have to ask this damn it! She should realize this by herself.
Maybe I alson wanted to see if she would stay, because I asked her to.

About talking to her... she is the one who regreted leaving me and came back after me. She is the one who told me she made mistakes and that she wanted to change (but she wanted me to help her and wanted me to point what I tought was wrong sometimes). I'm trying, but what's the point of telling someone "you're doing this wrong" if they're not going to try to understand you and will just try to justify why they're is NOT doing that wrong.

And how can I not fight with her? I don't wanna look presumptous, but I'm a very good speaker. I know to explain my toughts exactly and calmly, but she gets from calm to berserk in 10 seconds, and she has a very hard time listening to other people's opinions (even her family thinks that of her).


I came back with her BECAUSE of the things she said to me:
"I see now that I was wrong before. I want to change. I want you to help me. I want you to tell me when you think I did something wront, and I'll fix it"

Her words... not mine. I wouldn't have gotten back with her if it wasn't for this words. I want her to remeber this...


But I can already see what will happen. I'll tell her what I think, she will say: "when did I do the things you are saying?"
I'll have to give her examples and she will try to justify each one of them, by showing me how I saw things wrong, or how she didn't do any of those things...
And we will get in a loop.

God, how I wish I could for once in my life listen a simple "You're right... if you're telling me this, it's because you must have really seen me doing it. You wouldn't say this if you really didn't think it was true. I can see your point nd I promise I'll try to correct what you're saying."

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Marcus, you're a fool for falling for this nonsense. You're not a fool in love, you are a mere fool. Like I said before, you deserve everything she's going to put you through whether it's good or bad. Which do you think it will be, you ball-less excuse for a man?