He doesn't want commitment until he's in his late thirties

[thier.issard]

I don't want to make this a long unreadable story, so I'll try to be concise.

Was good friends with a guy for 3 years before I started having sex with him a year ago. Initially thought I would have sex a few times just to satisfy myself and then it would end. Fast forward to now and I am totally attached to him. He might as well be my boyfriend to all intents and purposes.

I live abroad and intend to return home in 2 years time but I can't bear the thought of leaving him then. I asked him where we stood relationship-wise, and he says he wants to keep our relationship light and non-serious, because we both know it will end. I am his first relationship and he says if he wasn't with me, he wouldn't be looking for anyone else. I believe him. He also says that anyone under 35 who is in a serious relationship is making a serious mistake because they're sacrificing their freedom. When you're young you should be developing yourself, seeing the world etc.

I am inclined to agree with him, but my feelings for him are beginning to cloud my judgement. I realise that if he doesn't see us as being in an official relationship, that I should break it off now, because otherwise I will get even more attached, and the inevitable breakup will be devastating. I have tried to break up with him twice, but we always ended up together again because we were miserable without each other. The problem is, we work together, so breaking all ties is impossible.

He is a very intelligent, pragmatic man and he treats me very well. I know he is not using me for sex. And he does genuinely like me, but he doesn't want to get tied down. We are very honest and open with each other.

I just need some outside opinions on this. Should I end it now? Or should I continue going along the way I'm going, and enjoy the reality as it is now? A breakup is inevitable, so I'm going to be devastated either way. We're both still young, mid twenties.

[vashti]

I disagree that anyone under 35 looking for a serious relationship is making a mistake, assuming you eventually want to have a family. A woman's fertility significantly declines past the age of 35, so what may be true (or not) for HIM may not be true for a female.

That said, if you know this is not going to result in what you are looking for, it is time to cut it off. To continue on with him will only deepen your attachment, and will result in more difficulty calling it quits.

[surfhb]

Sounds like a weirdo if you ask me

[countingtoten]

I don't think that you can put a timescale on settling down, if it is right then it is right. I wonder if this guy is stringing you along a bit.

[bluesummer]

Well, if the breakup is inevitable like you said, it's time to cut and run. It'll hurt for a bit but you're young and will meet someone else who's willing to be in a real relationship with you without setting guidelines for what age is appropriate to become serious.

I dated when i was 22 who said he didn't want to get married until he was 30. Turns out he was serious, he got married the year he turned 30. Glad I didn't wait.

[surfhb]

It should be law that no one gets married before 30. . Kidding of course but the guy was smart....

More than that, there's nothing worse then seeing a 21 year old kid going into debt on a wedding ring. Seen it way too often

[dickriculous]

Why does he think committing before 35 = "sacrificing your freedom"? Has he dated nothing but controlling bitches his whole life? (no implications about you intended)

Anyway, if it were me I would start pulling away from him a bit, having sex with him less and feigning less interest than you really have. Don't take this to an extreme - a lot of people make that mistake and that's just as bad as making yourself too available. If he's into you enough to want a commitment deep down inside beneath the preconceptions of "no commitment until mid 30's" then this will drive him crazy with the desire to possess you and even if he tries to play it cool he will give himself away noticeably. Evenually he will be the one pursuing a commitment with you

It helps if you actually have a legit justification for pulling away from him slightly and honestly, you have the perfect excuse: "I can't allow myself to get too attached when I know there is no chance of this being a permanent LTR". You don't have to say those exact words, even if he asks, but subtle implications of this message can go a long way.

[mrFrog]

I think that you know the answer. You're just searching for the affirmation. Ok, you're right. Your answer is exactly. It must be ended here. Do it.

[smackie9]

Right now you only have a year invested and that isn't much. Get out while you can. A GF of mine was in your situation, FWB, casual dating. She started to have feelings for him so she knew the logical thing was to end it....he didn't want her to but it's obvious that it was no point in continuing.

[smackie9]

I don't agree or disagree with him. What one does, and what choices they make really isn't for anyone to judge. If that is how he feels, that how he feels. At least he is honest about it.

[Wakeup]

Well going by your profile, you're both males you'll not have to worry about your bio clock running out but that's neither here nor there. He's outright told you this

I asked him where we stood relationship-wise, and he says he wants to keep our relationship light and non-serious, because we both know it will end.

So, you have two choices. You keep the dynamics of your friendship light and non-serious or, you leave him if you can't continue with the status quo, under his terms.

Either way, thier.issard you're euchered so take back your personal power and you choose when you want this to end and don't leave it all up to him.