Break up. He called me drunk and told me I could have been the one buttttt.......

[confuser]

He's 37 and divorced with kids, had a remodeling business but isn't working, and is a musician. I'm 28 and have had a string of intense relationships, do social work and volunteer work, and moving to Korea next year to teach ESL. We broke up 2 days ago. He called me very drunk and crying. (He has drank a handle of whiskey since yesterday). We went into a long conversation about his kids, rehab, and why he is upset. I tried to convince him to get treatment, but he will just say he knows it, agree, and then go back into denial.

He ended up telling me that he is really upset about our breakup (I was fine). He said that I would have been "the one" for him, but he can't deal with the fact I don't believe in a higher power (I am agnostic... leaning towards Buddhism... formerly Catholic). I DO believe in energy, spirit, and the beauty of the world. I am always trying to be a better person. He also went on an OCD rant about how he doesn't get why I would use the words "goddamn" or "Jesus f-ing christ". This really bothers him because I don't believe in these things. I told him that I was TRYING to change it, and it was simply a bad habit, and it didn't mean anything. I am trying to be more respectful of other people's beliefs.

It hurts me that he would tell me that even though he thinks I am the most amazing woman he's ever met, he can't be with me because of my religious belief, or see that I try to not say things that offend him. I have tried to support him so much... It's so hard to see him suffer like this, but I know I need to let him help himself. I don't expect to save anyone, but it hurts to watch it. I worry. He is a beautiful person, but for his drinking and denial. Any words? I just need some support.

[Wakeup]

Why do you even go on about this? He's an alchoholic that is trying to manipulate you by taking the heat away from his addiction and onto you about your non-religious beliefs. Thank your positive energy that you COULD have been the one because if you had stayed with him, you'd have been one unhappy "the one" and mired in his dysfunction.

Go to al-anon and learn about how drunks can be manipulative and tear away your self esteem so that you are as self-loathing as they are. Don't let him do that to you. Tell him "he could have been the one if not for his alcoholism" and that you'll not be speaking to him again until his email/voice mail or snail mail has the opening line of "I've been to rehab and I've joined AA." Then, only go back to him if he's been sober for at least a year. You're short changing yourself if you accept anything less.

Google for an al-anon meeting near you so that you learn about codependency and so that you don't find yourself having fallen for another addictive personality. Get on with your life without him in it. You will be doing him more harm by continuing to be in his life and thereby enabling him to be the drunk he is than if you go to no contact and let him sort himself out.

[Boisdevie]

I used to drink way way too much -borderline alcoholic. Leave him alone until he's dealing with his problem.

[uap5765]

It's odd that you're trying to respect his religious belief, but he's not respecting yours. And if such things like religion is a fundamental ground to destroy your relationship, then how much more when it comes to other things? It's like he's saying ... "You're perfect for me... just that...", and you know... in love, I believe that you really love a person only if you see past his/her imperfections, not forcing him/her to meet your standards of perfection.

Do your best to live without him. He is his own problem and unfortunately, he is also his own solution.

[InYourFACE]

I think you are very disrespectful not only towards him and people that believe in God.
but to God ,himself!

And there is only one person given to this world true who we can be save: and that is Jesus!

And the people that don't believe in God are like a lost wall, they have this thing that they have to be disrespectful and make fun about God.

Him drinking is wrong for him. So i hope to he will get in therapy to find out why he drinks like that.

At the end i think you 2 are no match, but maybe the reason you to cross each others pad was for you to realize that
you need to have respect for God and that there is a God in heaven.
And for him to realize that he needs to do something about his drinking.

[uap5765]

Everyone has a different religion. If someone has a set of different beliefs, then I should respect their belief as much as I expect them to respect mine. Saying that you have to respect and believe in God, etc. is imposing your own beliefs on another person.

[confuser]

I forgot to say he is bipolar and has OCD, which is made worse with drinking. I feel like his brains wants to make perfect sense of everything... but we know that not everything can be given an answer or explained. Maybe my beliefs threaten his comfort within his own spirituality? I knew he was an alcoholic from the beginning, so there was no fooling going on. I didn't expect to fall in love with him like this... we just got a long exceptionally well in the beginning. I had just graduated from college, so I was very carefree at the time. I am moving my life in a healthier direction, and I think it put pressure on him. I know about al-non... I may go if things get worse. I don't feel bad about MYSELF, I just feel bad about the situation. Whether we are together or not romantically, we will always be friends or create music together. Also, if I didn't say it, we broke up mutually.

[confuser]

I think you are very disrespectful not only towards him and people that believe in God.
but to God ,himself!

And there is only one person given to this world true who we can be save: and that is Jesus!

And the people that don't believe in God are like a lost wall, they have this thing that they have to be disrespectful and make fun about God.

Him drinking is wrong for him. So i hope to he will get in therapy to find out why he drinks like that.

At the end i think you 2 are no match, but maybe the reason you to cross each others pad was for you to realize that
you need to have respect for God and that there is a God in heaven.
And for him to realize that he needs to do something about his drinking.

Umm... right. He wouldn't agree with your rant either.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

What do you see in this loser, anyway? I didn't read a single good thing in your post. He's an almost 40, wannabe musician, alcoholic, crybaby. And you're letting him be the one to pass judgement on you. You really can't do any better than this?

[Wakeup]

What do you see in this loser, anyway? I didn't read a single good thing in your post. He's an almost 40, wannabe musician, alcoholic, crybaby. And you're letting him be the one to pass judgement on you. You really can't do any better than this?

No, she really can't because as long as she does nothing about her codependency, she will keep choosing exactly the same type of man. Unfortunately!

[Isabelle]

Alcohol can be a big problem in a relationship, some people just shouldn't drink at all. As long as he is drinking it will always be a problem. If you can help him see that he needs help with his drinking (he has to want help) then maybe the relationship is worth saving. When you are in a relationship with someone with a drink problem you are in a relationship with two different people - the sober person and the drunk.

[confuser]

No, she really can't because as long as she does nothing about her codependency, she will keep choosing exactly the same type of man. Unfortunately!

You could try talking to me on my own post instead of saying that I'm codependent in response to someone else. I don't see how I am codependent. I have my own career, my own friends, my own interests, my own life. I do what I want- when I want to. I wasn't looking for a relationship, it just happened. I'm not looking to have kids or get married. I just don't understand how he could say that to me after not telling me for months. I am not sitting around crying, asking why he couldn't love me. It seems screwed up to me, and I'm also just worried about him as far as his health. How can you not be worried about someone you care about? Be a cold shrewd? It's natural. I am moving to another country, on my own, and I'm excited about this... so once I again I don't understand how anyone thinks I'm codependent?!? I wasn't happy, and I told him; he wasn't happy, and he told me. Some of you are very judgmental, and probably shouldn't be giving advice. Or maybe you are projecting your own issues. Thanks to people who were respectful.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You seemed upset that he said you would be the one for him but...

I guess WakeUp thinks you're emotionally codependent, or seek some validation from him, because he's such a ****ing loser but you are still even so much as thinking about him. He broke up with you, ignore his contact, and stop thinking about him.

[confuser]

Alcohol can be a big problem in a relationship, some people just shouldn't drink at all. As long as he is drinking it will always be a problem. If you can help him see that he needs help with his drinking (he has to want help) then maybe the relationship is worth saving. When you are in a relationship with someone with a drink problem you are in a relationship with two different people - the sober person and the drunk.

I agree, and we've talked about this. He knows my stance on it.

[confuser]

You seemed upset that he said you would be the one for him but...

I guess WakeUp thinks you're emotionally codependent, or seek some validation from him, because he's such a ****ing loser but you are still even so much as thinking about him. He broke up with you, ignore his contact, and stop thinking about him.

I am upset that he kept that information from me, NOT the fact I am not the one for him. There was time I felt that way about him too, but I know he isn't that for me, atleast not as long as his life is like this. I am moving to another country anyway. I already knew stuff wasn't working. We broke up with EACHOTHER. I had been talking to my friends about breaking up with him the week before. I was breaking up with him anyway. GEEEEZE. It was a peaceful breakup, and I am not going to stop being his friend because that's not the way I roll. I am still friends with 75% of the people I've dated. I don't called people losers... pretty inarticulate. You guys are making me regret even posting on this stuff; I did it in the heat of the moment. Wish I could delete the whole thing.