Dating a Celibate Young Woman

[trying1980]

Hi,

I guess I just want to know if I'm being reasonable.

So, I asked out a woman I had a rapport with a few months ago, July to be exact, and we have been dating exclusively since then. (Honestly, exclusively is the only way I date. No time/energy for deception and juggling.)

Things were going well. We share a lot of core values, and I respect her intelligence and appreciate her personality, but we had the intimacy talk in mid- to late-August, at which time she informed me that she was celibate (for religious reasons). I've since learned that means celibate until marriage . . . and that she is a virgin. She senses that this issue makes me distant from her at times. When I'm most frustrated with the reality of the situation, I retreat into myself a bit because I don't want to seem as though I am angry of frustrated with her because I wholly respect her religious principles and what she is trying to adhere to.

But last night, she got a little frustrated when I wouldn't make out with her. For her, making out is kissing and petting. (She says it means "everything except sex," but in my head I think "well, that actually isn't all that much. Oral sex is sex to me, and would be a violation of her vow. So, I don't even think that is a possibility. But, anyway, I honestly don't want to kiss and pet someone for two years . . . and I don't think she understand why that might not be desirable to me because she is a virgin. She doesn't know what the other side is like. And it is hard to find a way to explain that to her without sounding like I'm being dismissive of her perspective because she is a virgin.

So, I can manage, or attempt to manage, the situation as long as the mutual understanding is she doesn't want to have sex and I don't want to kiss and pet forever (which is actually stressful on my body). But if my lack of desire to "safely" make out is going to frustrate her, enough that she expresses it around me, I don't know . . .

Am I being unreasonable?

(Another block for me is that even if I was to ride this out and marry her a year or two from now, I don't want to be breaking in a virgin at this point of my life. It is something that I've done in the past. Something that I understand the gravity of and have attended to with patience and caring, but at thirty-one I feel as though my desire has settled on wanting a women who knows and can articulate what she likes sexually. I don't know. It's just absolutely amazing how much the issue of intimacy can complicate and unsettle an otherwise strong romantic rapport--but if there is no intimacy of any degree, maybe it isn't romantic. I don't know . . .)

[HeartIsAching]

No, you're not being unreasonable. Getting you all revved up and then saying no... she's a cocktease, whether she means to be or not. No normal male I know of would put up with that for long.

[Boisdevie]

Just got to love those religious loonies. Dump her and find somebody that you can be sexually compatible with. Imagine the scenario - you wait for her, get married and then realise that you're sexually imcompatible. And I imagine a religious loony isn't likely to be exactly hot in bed. More like missionary position, nothing kinky and definitly no blow jobs apart from at Xmas.

[InYourFACE]

Stop right there.

Im tired of dudes like you,

Once you know a girl is not about spreading her legs out of marriage or do certain sexual activities.

BREAK UP! dnt go around dating girls that dont have your mentality and wants to sex around.

And stop trying to make them do those nasty things you like to do.
ther are enough people out there that will lay down with you.

So go where people like you are. stop standing in the way of girls that wants to do things different or are different.

Stop acting like she is the problem, just get lost. leave her alone.
she is not your kind of girl. and you are for shore not her type of men.

[trying1980]

Wow, I posted in this area because I assumed I knew what the average male would say but I'm somewhat shocked that the most insensitive and ignorant comment thus far would come from a woman.

Where did I say I was trying to make her do anything? Where? I'm not. I don't even attempt to initiate kissing because I know I don't want quasi-adult intimacy. My dilemma--which I believe is clear if you would have read what I wrote--is that she is getting frustrated with my lack of interest in initiating what is for her acceptable intimacy (kissing, touching and whatever this "other things" is that she won't articulate).

Also, I don't think it is fair to call her a "cock tease." She's inexperienced. She's a virgin. I don't believe she understands what it means to continually approach and back away from the precipice between "making out" and sex . . . because she has never been on the other side of that precipice. I see and can understand where she is coming from as a virgin. My fear is that she can't see my perspective as someone who has had healthy sexual relationships.

I'm still interested in, and will be appreciative of, women who are actually going take a second to understand the situation and not simply jump to project their own dating issues and past trauma on what I am attempting to process.

[HeartIsAching]

Don't worry about InyourFACE, she/it's a troll.

[trying1980]

Don't worry about InyourFACE, she/it's a troll.

Figured as much. (O, the internet . . .)

[boom43]

WOW - I think the other people posting in here are being jerks.

I think you're in an extremely difficult position and I wish I could give you a good answer. With most things in a relationship a compromise can be met, but this one is different - way different!

I'm female and to be honest I wouldn't be able to be in a relationship with someone who won't sleep with me. It would drive me insane. The fact that you're even trying makes you a really stand up dude. If you decide it's too hard and you can't keep doing this, in NO way does that make you a bad person. We all have needs, and if you're already sexually active it is hard as hell, damn near impossible, to go back.

I think it's great that she is sticking to her values, despite how tempting it probably is for her too, but honestly, I think she could be a lot more understanding about how you feel in the position you are in. Sounds like she really doesn't get it - and of course she can't totally get it, being a virgin and all, but she should put some more effort into understanding and not make you feel bad about your urges and needs.

[InYourFACE]

Don't worry about InyourFACE, she/it's a troll.

im not gay leave me alone faggot. stop being in my ass, dont you see i dont like you and not interested in your retarded comments. go look for your parents attention. life less piece of shit.

[InYourFACE]

Figured as much. (O, the internet . . .)

you are a pussy. deal with the truth or get out.

[trying1980]

Thanks. There is no "good" answer.

She isn't making me feel bad about my needs. She is frustrated with my lack of desire to do/initiate the PG stuff in the indefinite meantime.

In my clearest moment, I told her that our levels of conviction will never be the same. She's celibate because of her relationship to god and her religion (which is Baha'i--a religion I find to be relatively rational). My reason for being celibate would only be her. FOR ANOTHER is far from comparable to FOR GOD.

But that is another matter. I guess I'm just really surprised that she is celibate but rather than being happy that I respect and don't challenge that, she's beginning to get frustrated that I won't PG make out with her. Part of the reason I don't want to do that is because that would mean my stepping out of my comfort zone (by making out and risking deeper sexual frustration) but she is getting everything she wants or can do. It doesn't feel emotionally equitable.

[trying1980]

you are a pussy. deal with the truth or get out.

The truth is that you have poor reading comprehension skills and are likely poorly socialized. (Or maybe you are dyslexic and have Asperger's. In which case, I apologize.) Either way, those are realities I can deal with. Last you'll hear from me. Be well.

[boom43]

I think you need to ask her to please try to understand how hard it is for you to do that stuff. It's a little unfair for her to expect you to respect her desire to remain celibate, but at the same time get upset with you when you don't want to do intimate things that she does. Explain it to her and ask her to try really hard to understand. I'm not trying to make her sound bad, but it does sound like you're the one making all the sacrifices in this relationship.

[HeartIsAching]

im not gay leave me alone faggot. stop being in my ass, dont you see i dont like you and not interested in your retarded comments. go look for your parents attention. life less piece of shit.

Ass/face, it's one and the same with you.

[bluesummer]

I don't know trying1980......I'm your age and I just couldn't be bothered with going through so much effort for someone like that. To me, each person's view of sexuality is important and valid and should be shared with people of LIKE views. It would be EXTREMELY frustrating to only get to make out with someone and get to that point of almost having actual sex but not actually doing it, especially when you've already had the experience. She's asking too much of you I think. She doesn't know what sex is like, so the little bit of pleasure she's getting from the making out/petting is just right for her but horrible for you.

You have more patience than I. I would hear the world 'virgin' and think that, at this age, it's just no longer worth the trouble.