Urgently seeking help.

[pearly]

Hello everyone.

My boyfriend of nearly 3 years broke up with me last Monday and I am devastated.
I am finding it very hard to cope indeed and I can't concentrate on anything.

Here's a back story:
My previous two (and only other) relationships were quite abusive (mentally), but I realise now I contributed to that abuse.
I have had depression for a very long time, since I was a child. I have never really seeked medical help for this until recently (a year or two ago, on which I was put on medication - I am now off medication & find it easy to dismiss my depressive episodes, but I am waiting on a counsellor to get further advice & help with anger management).
It got in the way a lot of my relationships. Made me feel worthless.

The man I was with until last week was, and still is, a true gentleman, and I cannot cope to be without him. I honestly feel he is the love of my life and I don't want to be without him. I want to be back with him, and I seriously want advice on how to make it okay.

He did everything for me. He knew I had depression, and he was very understanding of the fact, and he kept me company when I felt down, and talked to me about things in great depth. He bought me things, he treated me to days out and he did everything he could to try and "heal" me, or at least, help me get through the darker times.
However, I couldn't really register his kindness. I didn't understand why he was being nice to me. I couldn't accept it, it all just felt like a strange dream and I was a zombie just kind of muddling through. One particular event seems to signal the "start" of our downfall: on our first anniversary, he had me come over to his, and he had cooked me a meal, bought me gifts & lit candles - everything romantic, really, and very well-meant & thoughtful. I couldn't deal with it. I felt scared. I felt like running away, and I yelled at him, told him the presents were rubbish & was very nasty towards him. I don't know why I did this.

I kept doing things like this.
I was mean to his family, I said I didn't like them (which isn't true. I was afraid of them, because I knew I was hurting him, and I didn't feel right being in their house, eating their food, etc, when I was treating their son/brother so cruelly), and I never really bothered with them, if he asked me to go over etc. I didn't really make the effort.
I never made the effort with a lot of things... I stopped wanting to go out, I just wanted to stay in bed all the time, and I still expected him to treat me with the same kindness - even though every time he did, I threw it back in his face.

We eventually broke up, because I had a very bad episode.
I tried to kill myself. In front of him.
After that, I tried to get help, but I felt inconsolable. I tried to move on with my life, and in some ways, I did, but I felt so lonely without him.
Then, he got back in touch with me - he didn't want to be without me, so we tried again.

It worked for a while, but then I fell into the same horrible trap I was in before. I kept being mean, I kept letting my anger out on him - saying things to him I didn't mean, pushing at him, not leaving him alone (I find it very hard to cope with distance/time alone. Very hard. To the point where I become obsessive. I am not proud of it, but I want to be 100% honest with this message). We were on again off again for a while, and I just did NOT learn from my mistakes.
I promised him I would try to forget things, I promised him I would just try to enjoy our time together - but every time, if I felt uneasy or unhappy because of my depression, I let it all out on him.
So...it came to the final straw and he broke up with me this time for good.

I have been in touch with him. As I said, I find it very hard to deal with time apart.
But he says I am no longer the person he wants to be with, that he doesn't like how I think any more and that it's all gone.
I find this really hard to cope with because we were very much in love - he felt a great deal to me, and he showed it effortlessly. I could tell that he loved me, and I mean truly DID love me. Not just a casual thing. It was very real, very serious. We had a lot in common but the thing standing in the way was my issues, my depression.

Now, I am finding it easier to deal with my depression. I can easily switch off the negative thoughts and vibes because I know how dangerous they are. I know what they have done.
But I can see where he is coming from - he says he cannot trust me, and too much has happened in the past for it to be alright again. I know in my heart that there is nothing I can do to make it all alright again, but I feel so desperate.

I don't want to be without him. I want to be the girlfriend he deserved.
I want to show him all the love I do have for him, and put him at ease - I want to comfort him when he feels nervous, I want to show him that he is a good person, I want to treat him with all the kindness he showed me. I have told him this, but he continuously says no.

I can't cope with knowing that I have tore apart the relationship - I can't cope knowing that I have pushed someone who I believed to be my soulmate away from me.
I know I have done all this and I just wish I knew what to do to fix it, to make it all better.

I sent him a long email of apologies, detailing actual times and events and saying sorry for them, without any "but" or using depression as an excuse - because it's no excuse, really. I shouldn't have let it get on top of me so much. I took him for granted, and now he has gone, I see just how much I have lost.

The last I heard from him was a text saying "Please just leave me alone now, even if it's just for today, the answer is still "no" (regarding us getting back together), you can't even leave me alone."

I don't know what to do.
I don't want to lose him, I wish I knew what to do to win him back, but in a way that he feels comfortable with
I am very, very lost.

[Saya]

I don't think you can get him back because you have hurt him/took him for granted...
And by contacting him will probably push him away even more further.... just stop contacting him....if he really loves you and want to be with you then he will come back.

But I can understand your feelings because similar things happened with me. I had pretty bad depression as well and I also pushed away and hurt my bf as well... but I got some help and it is getting so much better that my relationship has gotten really good.

The things you need to do is, to focus on getting more help with your depression and be more patient about it since your depression sounds worst than mine.

[Cerby]

Holy smokes pearly. You emotionally abused the shit out of this guy for 3 years. You broke up and he tried it again, and you did the same thing again. He has no motivation to want to try again, he has been there and done that. You can only blame your depression for so much, and even if it was the root cause, it was enough to finally break his back in the relationship.

If you love him, you will save him the trouble and leave him be. He needs time AWAY from the monster you are, and not to be smothered again. Honestly, I don't think he will come back. There are sometimes breakups where as soon as the initial emotion is gone, you feel relief that it is over...it sounds like he is relieved it is over.

You are a wreck, you need counselling and therapy to confront your issues. You are not fit to be in a relationship with anyone.

[surfhb]

For what it's worth we've all been through break ups too.....so don't feel like anyone around you doesn't understand. It's good you're on meds and getting help but you won't heal untill you accept that fact he will not be with you anymore. You can do it because everybody does get over an ex and moves on eventually. Good luck