There’s a lot of detail but here’s the gist of it:

I’ve been in love with a guy since I was 15. He was 25 and for obvious reasons I knew it could never be, it was nothing more than a crush at the time and I just admired him form afar. Years and relationships later, he and I became close friends. I’m now 25 and he’s 35… and I’m still crazy about him. He’s kind of everything I always wanted in a guy…. Smart, caring, witty, good looking, funny, kind of controlling but in a way that keeps me grounded since I tend to be aloof.. For the past year we developed a friendship that seems like a relationship but without the commitment or intimacy (until recently that is). We’d hang out 2-4 times a week (doing ‘couple’ stuff: dinners/drinks/movies/sporting events/mini golf/bowling) and talk every day from good morning to good night, and 2 months ago we started sleeping together too. This is my childhood crush. I was in heaven.

So I’m crazy about him but it’s not healthy. He’s told me he doesn’t want a commitment. He’s also flirty with other girls and sometimes in front of me. It doesn’t even bother me cuz in the end… I know he’s going home with me, how dumb is that!? My family doesn’t like him since years ago he picked up a bad rep for being a womanizer. Some of my friends tell me to get away from him. He also doesn’t have a job right now but he’s never short in cash so I can just imagine where he gets his money (he’s never told me – and I don’t want to ask). He also smokes weed every day (I smoke too, but only maybe once a week).

So… logically I KNOW this guy is not good for me. But I want nothing more than him to come around for me…. Typical, I know: being the dumb girl who wants to rescue the bad boy. I KNOW I need to get over him. But it hurts to think of him not being in my life anymore. In the 10 years I’ve known him we lost contact for maybe 5 – I can honestly tell you not one day went by that I did not think of him….even while I was engaged to my ex. (who I broke up with when the first guy and I got back in touch and I realized I still had feelings for him… it wasn’t fair to my ex). I just can’t seem to get over him.

Ignoring him is impossible. We have mutual friends. We go to the same church and I’d see him there at least once a week still. We frequent the same bars since we’re together all the time and have the same hangouts.

Right now he’s mad at me because I couldn’t hang out with him the whole weekend after we had made plans and I cancelled last minute. He hasn’t talked to me in 2 days. I miss him like crazy cuz I’m so used to him. But I keep telling myself it’s good – that it’s giving me a start to distance myself. It still hurts though because I care so much for him. I texted him ‘I miss you’ and he didn’t even respond. I’m trying to be strong so that when he comes around, I don’t go running back with arms wide open… but I feel like that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

I wish he’d hurt me so that I’d have something to base myself on to be angry at him. But in reality, he always warned me that he didn’t want a relationship, plenty of times he told me to stay away cuz he was ‘bad news’… yet I still hung around hoping and waiting. So yes, I know I need to move on. But how can I when I know I’m going to see him all the time? When I know that if it’s an open relationship that he wants, then I’m willing to give it to him? How can I get rid of him if I never truly had him? Or break up… when there’s nothing to “break up”? I even had another guy I was sleeping with in the mean time to help me not think about him so much, but even that didn’t work.

And above anything I don’t want to let go of him. I know I have to…. But I don’t want to. Simple as that. Which is dumb. I feel I have no hope of being able to let go of him. If being apart for 5 years, having a boyfriend for 6 years (who I was 5 months away from marrying) didn’t do it…. What will?!