What's with my friend?

[IndiReloaded]

This is pretty much exactly what I was going to say.

OP, it boils down to this:

You need to decide whether or not you want to terminate your marriage. That needs to have priority. From my perspective, it would appear that you do.

If you don't want to terminate your marriage, then you need to put on the brakes and distance yourself from your friend. Sucks, but it's true.

If you do, then you still need to put the brakes on, TELL YOUR FRIEND that you're doing so, and why, then terminate your marriage and come to her cleanly. If you don't, there will always be a certain level of distrust between you. If you can be honest in your dealings with your current wife, she'll believe that you will be with her too.

Notice he's ignoring our sage advice, tho. Oh well.

[Confused Man]

I wasn't ignoring everyone, I was just trying to figure this out in my own head. Things culminated recently when she came down to my mom's house with me to help clean it out and spent the entire day there. The entire drive down and back we held hands, which I admit I initiated, but she didn't pull back in the least. I was expecting things to change after that and everything else that went on, because I figured she would realize that she should back off, but a week later, she had to go on a business trip the exact same days I did (different companies, different cities...). She was prying to find out when I took off and landed, and somehow, my flights were close in time to hers. After she said she didn't want me waiting at the airport (my flight out left after hers and came back earlier), I said it wasn't a problem and she immediately changed her tune and said that she would be so appreciative if I took her and thanked me profusely. Of course, both trips we held hands again, and when I got her home, there was more cuddling and the like. Driving home, I finally woke up and realized this couldn't continue. I hadn't been sleeping, I was always jumpy and anxious, and just didn't feel good.

I took everyone's advice, at least partially. Never had a big conversation, but have been pulling back from her. I sensed that she was texting me a little bit less and was seemingly in more control than me, and I didn't like that. So I have taken the opportunity to pull back as well. This is very new, only about a week old, but trying to get there. I admit I am struggling with the idea that I already lost my mom, and I likely am losing a long term friend, and its tough. But it has to be done.

The question I have for everyone in summary is this. What makes a woman throw away a long term friend and pursue something more, even knowing he is married? Granted, I'm not sure that's what she was doing the entire time, maybe she came into this honestly. Maybe in her mind this was just flirting all along, maybe she was just too timid to tell me to stop and worry about what I would do. But I just find it strange that she would just willingly go along with all of this knowing my situation. She is not the type to do this, unless I really do not know her like I think I do. I am not proud of my actions, and I am taking responsibility for those. But what I really would like is an insight into the female mind, as if I am such a close friend, then why all of the flirtatious stuff, and everything else that has gone on? I don't want to sound sexist, but I always assume guys don't always think, but women do. She has told me for years I am a friend, yada yada yada, but then everything explodes? I don't get it, and am really interested in women's thoughts as to how women think. I appreciate all the help you guys have given me.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, to quote a long time poster here in absentia "friends don't want to f uck friends". Crude, but true.

Whatever you two are, its not just friends. I already said you need to make a decision about what you want. As for her thinking, what is the mystery? She cares about you, she's lonely, you are apparently compatible.

You are also having an emotional affair destined to go physical if you don't cut ties. Don't go there. It won't be worth it. Get a divorce if she's your true love, its the right thing to do. Do you have kids? If not, I'd really consider what you want. Also consider who you truly love. Life is short. Don't you think your *wife* deserves someone who really, really wants her too? Maybe a divorce would be a kindness to her if your friend is really who you want.

[IndiReloaded]

What makes a woman throw away a long term friend and pursue something more, even knowing he is married?

I just find it strange that she would just willingly go along with all of this knowing my situation.

What makes a man *who took vows of marriage* play with fire with an old friend? I have to say this about your friend: she didn't cheat on her ex husband. Its your marriage, therefore its YOUR responsibility.

[Confused Man]

I absolutely take responsibility. It's my fault and I blame myself. Even though she started flirting more, I could have stayed away, but didn't. My only question was why she would start flirting more and letting all this go on when she knew it was a dead end. Friends for 15 years, then she starts flirting a lot more? It was just surprising to me and I wasn't thinking about it as a possibility in hell at all, so it caught me off guard. Also surprising was that she didn't stop half the stuff that went on and kept finding reasons to see me, even though she was not letting things get really physical. Seemed like a weird game.

I didn't mean to make it sound like I was blaming her, I was just looking for an insight into her mind as to why she would pursue something with a married friend, since the end result likely would mean someone (or both) would get hurt, and the friendship likely would end as well. I know many guys (including me) would take stupid risks, but I never expected her to. In any event, we have texted much less in the past three days since the return from airport trip, so maybe we both have realized that things have gotten out of hand and things are changing already. I see things just fizzling and going back to maybe talking (maybe) once in awhile once (if) everything heals. Or maybe I am being totally naive and that things are just at a new plateau until she wants more. I know the right move is to be blunt, but its more comfortable for me to pull back slowly...

[IndiReloaded]

I was just looking for an insight into her mind as to why she would pursue something with a married friend, since the end result likely would mean someone (or both) would get hurt, and the friendship likely would end as well.

I already said: she sees you as having potential for more than friends. She's lonely. Since she's been your friend for so long, the usual barriers to emotional intimacy that might ward another woman off b/c you are married probably doesn't apply. This means *you* need to set firm boundaries, since you are married.

You are really starting to irritate me, online tho this is. You sound like you are desperate for attention. This is some kind of selfish ego trip for you. Shame on you. Not only are you disrespecting your wife, but you are disrespecting your supposed friend by leading her on.

Honour your vows and your wife or honour what may be your true love. But make a choice. You can't have both. Noone here can tell you which is 'right', btw. I'd never tell someone to sacrifice a deep love based in friendship for a marriage that may well be a mistake. But only you know if that's your situation. Whatever you do, do it with integrity. Which, in case its not clear, is NOT what you are doing right now.

[smackie9]

[IndiReloaded]

LOL! Nice one Smackie, I forgot that song.

She's right, Confused, if you want resolution to this, *tell your wife*.

Wait...what's that? No way? Because you might lose your extra side of ego boost? (please don't tell us you don't want to hurt your wife, that's BS--you already are.)