Missed opportunities and hoping this isn't the "one that got away"

[ima2kman]

Hello everyone. New guy here and I hope I’m posting this to the right area of the forum. But here’s my story and I’m looking for some advice – both male and female. I know I’m probably gonna get all beat up over this, but that’s fine. I just hope someone will post some sincere guidance.

Last month I was called to jury duty. This is the first time that I’ve been called up and actually had a job that would pay me while I was on a jury. So, I really wanted to participate. I thought it would be a good learning experience and fulfill my civic duty.

At this time, I am also separated from my wife and we’re waiting for the divorce to finalize. Yes, I am looking to date – but I didn’t go into this jury duty gig expecting anything other than what I stated above. However, when they were gathering the jury pool, a particular woman who was also in my group happened to catch my eye.

Once we were inside the courtroom I noticed this woman once again. She was seated in an area across the room from where I was. I was trying very hard not to stare, but I was immediately attracted to her. At this point, I started to hope that we both would be chosen to be on the jury. Well, we were among those selected and then we were instructed to come back the next morning for the beginning of the trial.

Sorry this is a long read, but I’m trying to set this up. I’m sure most of you can see where this is going, but it’s therapeutic for me to write it all out, so please bear with me.

The next morning I got to the waiting area a little early. Not too long after I and several other jurors for our case arrived, she stepped off the elevator. As she approached the waiting area, our eyes met – briefly. Again, I didn’t want to stare – I had to play it cool. To my surprise, after a few moments she walked over and asked if she could sit down on the bench next to me. Of course, I said yes. But I was a little shocked because it wasn’t like there were no other open seats in the hallway. In fact, there were many. We said our ‘good mornings’, but she got out her phone and started occupying herself. Before I knew it, we were called into the courtroom for our initial juror instructions.

Later that morning we were given a lunch break, but she went to lunch with a few other women from our jury. I knew I had to introduce myself to her. That opportunity presented itself when we got onto the shuttle bus after our day was over. As I got on the bus, I noticed she was sitting with an open seat next to her. To return the favor of asking for the open seat (as she had done that morning), I approached her and to my surprise, she said she didn’t mind if I took it – and it wasn’t said in a ‘yeah, whatever’ kind of tone. I then introduced myself and she responded in kind. Although we couldn’t speak about the trial, we made some small talk, mostly about being selected, etc. Once we got to the parking garage, I wanted to “play it cool” and wished her a good evening and got off the bus without looking back.

The next morning was much of the same. I actually saw her at the parking garage before the shuttle arrived and we engaged in more small talk. I mentioned to her that I was expecting my first grandchild at almost any moment and she acted happy and excited for me. I then got the sense that maybe there could be something to this. She could have completely avoided me that next day and sent a “vibe” that she had no interest at all. But the fact that she didn’t made me start to wonder if this could actually be the start of something.

Now, just so you know, when I was in the courtroom, I was 100% focused on the case that we were listening to. Another thing is, since this was basically the first woman that I had spoken to since my divorce filing, I was a little nervous and not really sure “how” to interact with her. Not only because it has been almost 20 years since I’ve had this kind of interest in someone who was not my wife, but the fact that I wanted to keep our jury task in the forefront and try to be professional about the situation.

Fast forward a day and my daughter had her baby and my new friend seemed genuinely happy for me – and my daughter. We spoke more about our families. She let me know about her two daughters but we didn’t speak of “significant others”. She had no ring on “that” finger and at the question and answer part of the jury selection, I heard her say she was divorced. But, I had no way of knowing if she had a boyfriend – and I didn’t feel it was right to ask. She only mentioned her newly adopted dog and her daughters. Kind of made me think there wasn’t a man in the situation.

On the final day of the trial, as we were headed out to a break, I asked her ‘where’s lunch today?’ and she said she didn’t really know – would I like to go to a sandwich shop? YES! Of course I would! However, one of the other jurors tagged along….but probably a good thing since I wouldn’t want there to be any thoughts or rumors of impropriety. We were still under court order. As we ate lunch, the other juror (a man) and I dominated the conversation. She was pretty quiet for the most part, except when we talked about where we were originally from, etc. After lunch, we went back to the courtroom for the final time and I knew this was probably going to be the last time I was ever going to see this woman. I was starting to get concerned….what do I do?

As we were waiting for the shuttle to pick us up that one last time, we were waiting on the sidewalk and a homeless man (as far as I could ascertain) was doing a dance and walking backwards down the walkway. My new friend was standing about 6 or 8 feet away from where I was, and slightly behind me as this man approached our group. What surprised me was, as my new friend saw the man, she moved over and stood beside me – kind of using me as a shield from this man as he approached. (sorry if that offends anyone, but these days whether you’re in a big city or a small town, you can never be too careful with strangers. Sad to say, I know. But it’s true). Well, this made me happy but also a little confused at the same time. Did this mean what I thought it did? Did she trust me enough on that level to think I would actually protect her if something were to happen? Of course, I would, but what gave her that feeling? Sure, I’m a nice guy….but was that a “signal”?

We sat together for the short ride back to the parking garage and talked with some of the other jurors about the case we had just finished. I kept going back and forth in my mind about what to do. At the very least, I thought maybe I should ask if she was on Facebook (I know, corny that someone my age is asking to be Facebook friends, but I figured it was a non-threatening way to stay connected) and if we could keep in touch in some way. But before I knew it, we were back at the car park and I just froze up. I didn’t do anything. I walked with her up the stairs to the level where she had parked. I was hoping for some clue from her that would tell me it was okay to ask for her number, but it didn’t happen. We said goodbye, and that was it.

That was six weeks ago and I’m going nuts because she’s constantly on my mind. I know her full name and I know where she works (I paid attention on the first day of jury selection and remember the company name that she gave). Here’s where I need some advice from anyone who reads this. Her work is about 30 miles away from where I live. I don’t know exactly where she lives, but I know the town. I know 30 miles sounds far, but if we were to re-connect, I would make that drive every day no problem.

But that’s just it – how can I try to re-connect without coming across as a stalker? Or, did I just flat out blow my chance? Is there no hope? I know that there’s probably a .001% chance that she’d even agree to go out with me in any case. But part of me wonders if she wasn’t waiting for me to ask for her number. I’m lost. Please help me!

[surfhb]

Ugh ! You snooze you lose

Might as well try to find her at her work at this point. She might think you're a freak...she might be happy. You have nothing to lose at this point

[ima2kman]

Thanks, Surf. I was kind of thinking the same thing. What's a little restraining order here or there, right? haha!

[websingle]

Hey there,

I really liked your story and especially the way that you've told it. You're a an experienced man, but still there was something innocent, teenager like, to that story. Please don't get me the wrong way. I don't mean that as an insult. I think it is kinda cute. No matter how old we get, when it comes to love, age does not really seem to apply any more I especially enjoyed all the little details, that you've noticed during your encounter. I'm kinda like that too.

Anyways, here are my thoughts. If you're serious about getting to know her better, you NEED to get in contact with her. I guess you already know that. The fact, that she lives 30 miles away from you, could actually turn out to be an advantage. Think about it. If she happens not to be interested in you or maybe you don't want to pursue this idea any more at some point, you probably won't ever have to see her again. In case it works out and you two really hit it off, space won't really matter. I guess you already see where this is going. You have NOTHING to lose here, really.

However, to win this, you have to play it smart and I'm sure you won't have any problems doing so.
Ok, so showing up on her door step unannounced is probably not such a good idea. It is kinda creepy if you think about it Pulling the same stunt at her work place, probably less creepy, but still.

So, maybe try this. Send flowers to her work place, but NO roses. Don't attach any love hearts, cute animals or anything along that line. Also don't send half a garden of flowers. Choose something small, smart, yet thoughtful. Now, the card. Very important. Keep it short, like: "Remember me? Let's have lunch some time. 555-123456789 Best, your name (or no name at all, if you think she'd like the secret admirer thing)". Feel free to use your own words of course. This is just an idea. Here is why I believe flowers will work great. They say, someone is thinking of you and if you choose the right type, they communicate everything or nothing at all. If she's interested, she'll call you and you can set up a meeting. If she has a boyfriend, she can just throw them away and no one got hurt.

Once you've managed to get in contact with her and she agreed to meet you, you have all the options in the world. However, sitting at home and wondering what might have or could have been, won't get you anywhere. If you want this, act now and don't wait any longer

Good luck!

[bulrush]

But, I had no way of knowing if she had a boyfriend – and I didn’t feel it was right to ask.

It's ok to ask. If she gets uptight about a simple question, that's how you know she's not for you. I don't want to date a girl that can't handle basic communication, or if she over reacts.

(sorry if that offends anyone, but these days whether you’re in a big city or a small town, you can never be too careful with strangers. Sad to say, I know. But it’s true)

I know it's better to be safe, but I've had some contact with the homeless and they've never presented a problem for me. The mentally ill ones can sometimes yell a bit, but don't actually hurt me. And I'm referring to Detroit, murder capital of the US.

Well, this made me happy but also a little confused at the same time. Did this mean what I thought it did? Did she trust me enough on that level to think I would actually protect her if something were to happen? Of course, I would, but what gave her that feeling? Sure, I’m a nice guy….but was that a “signal”?

No it's not a "signal". You were a convenient shield, nothing more.

Well, you should have asked for her phone number on the shuttle ride back to the parking garage. But you missed your chance. How else will you find her? If you ask for her number, she might give it to you. Or she might refuse. Or she might say "eww" at which point you know she is not right for you at all.

[ima2kman]

Thanks for the replies. Bottom line here - as websingle noted - I have no game. I was married for a long time. I've forgotten how to interact with women I'm attracted to, so I realize I really fumbled on this one. I'm trying not to get caught up in the "wow, she actually talked to me! It MUST be love!" thing. But I know I need to find out if there's any sort of connection. I guess I just have to saddle up and make a move. Gotta start somewhere, right?

[websingle]

Yes, you got it Get out there, make a move and find out, if she might be interested in you. Love indeed is the easiest and hardest game at the same time, isn't it.