Am I Being a Jerk?

[bob the brave]

A while back a girl at work initially showed interest and then later rejected me in part because I was too short. She then hooked up with a player also at work. Here's a little background to give you a picture:

SHE) 38 year old, single mother (she does not have custody). College educated. She smokes, drinks and has a wonderful personality, great sense of humor, great communication skills.

PLAYER) 32 year old. No college or skilled trade. (He works in the shipping department). He lives with the mother of his two daughters but refuses to marry her. He stays out all night either on ONS or gambling at casinos and then lies to her about this. Finally, as a result they have separated although they still live in the same house. This guy collects girl friends only to stroke his ego and then dumps them when he grows bored.

At work he would run me down making jokes about my size (5'9" 169 lbs) in front of this girl and then after they hooked up he came to my office and to tell me, "He screwed her and there is nothing I can do about it." just to stroke his ego. She dosen't know he said this. During this time, she sat with him at lunch and pretty much treated my like ****.

Months later she came to me complaining this guy is a zero and wanted to know if i care for her? I did, but was hurt and thought it couldn't really matter to her anyway so I said no.

Now, 6 months later she is married to someone outside the company. She tried to make friends with me. I tried, but it just didn't ring true with me. She eventually made friends with the player again.

My interest in this girl was purely sincere. I am not a player. I feel I was unduely disrepected by both and ignore them both except to handle job related issues. My problem is that the player is very smooth socially and all the girls at work eat lunch with him (company is very small with only15 people) despite his reputation. Because of this, I eat lunch alone. They all think he is a wonderful guy (I know she knows different, but sociallizes with him just to prevent being alone) and I am an anti-social prude. It makes me feel sad.

Do you think I am overracting or justified in not speaking to them?

[Frenchy38]

I don't think you are being a jerk at all.

As for not speaking to them, my suggestion is be "social/friendly" if they say hi, say hi back, act as if you don't care about them at all. Remember you are at work, not a bar. This player you speak of, I am similar with respect and only respect to his social smoothness and guess what I don't make friends with people at work because I do that at bars (when I did work), which leads me to believe one thing, he must not have many friends outside of work. Maybe he does, but I would bet my bottom dollar he doesn't. You are there to work and get paid, so just do that. Don't care about them and don't care about his social smoothness, find your friends outside of work, make plans with them, that way when someone at work ever asks you "got plans for this weekend?", say " actually I do, I'm going to vegas with my friends to see a show" - things like that. When you got hired they didn't hire you on your ability to make friends with people at the company, they hired you to do a job and work well with others. Those 2, only hold conversations with them outside of small talk if its business-related.

You are not overacting in your desire to not want to be social towards them. However that doesn't mean don't be "friendly", give them a "good morning, hello" - if they ask you about your weekend, give them some insight "it was great, thank you" then walk away, say "hey I gotta get some work done" - If you find yourself eating alone and that bothers you, go out with friends at lunch or find someone else you would like to have lunch with at work.

If you feel sad because you are lonely, make friends outside of work. Call your old friends, you can even use this as a last resort, find a guy or girl at work you feel you are the closest with, even if you are not, and ask what's a good place to make friends around here etc... start a conversation like that.

[HeartIsAching]

A while back a girl at work initially showed interest and then later rejected me in part because I was too short. She then hooked up with a player also at work. Here's a little background to give you a picture:

SHE) 38 year old, single mother (she does not have custody). College educated. She smokes, drinks and has a wonderful personality, great sense of humor, great communication skills.

PLAYER) 32 year old. No college or skilled trade. (He works in the shipping department). He lives with the mother of his two daughters but refuses to marry her. He stays out all night either on ONS or gambling at casinos and then lies to her about this. Finally, as a result they have separated although they still live in the same house. This guy collects girl friends only to stroke his ego and then dumps them when he grows bored.

At work he would run me down making jokes about my size (5'9" 169 lbs) in front of this girl and then after they hooked up he came to my office and to tell me, "He screwed her and there is nothing I can do about it." just to stroke his ego. She dosen't know he said this. During this time, she sat with him at lunch and pretty much treated my like ****.

Months later she came to me complaining this guy is a zero and wanted to know if i care for her? I did, but was hurt and thought it couldn't really matter to her anyway so I said no.

Now, 6 months later she is married to someone outside the company. She tried to make friends with me. I tried, but it just didn't ring true with me. She eventually made friends with the player again.

My interest in this girl was purely sincere. I am not a player. I feel I was unduely disrepected by both and ignore them both except to handle job related issues. My problem is that the player is very smooth socially and all the girls at work eat lunch with him (company is very small with only15 people) despite his reputation. Because of this, I eat lunch alone. They all think he is a wonderful guy (I know she knows different, but sociallizes with him just to prevent being alone) and I am an anti-social prude. It makes me feel sad.

Do you think I am overracting or justified in not speaking to them?

No... but I do think you dodged a bullet. She's ALSO a player. Six months later she's married to someone else? Hewwww boy. Congratulations on staying the hell away from that.

[smackie9]

This is why I say never dip your pen in the company ink. It is best to never date or try to date people you work with. This usually causes a hostile workplace, and it can affect your productivity. This why some companies have a policy in place to automatically dismiss people who use work as a dating pool. YOU are acting like a sore loser. Even tho things didn't work out, and you sit there stewing over your co-workers successes with the ladies, it is up to you to conduct yourself accordingly.....man up, and be professional, but also act kindly to your co-workers. Even if you resent the goings on with Mr.Player, there is no excuse for you to act coldly and isolate yourself. Now if he harasses you about work related matters or he treats you badly on a personal level at work, then take it up with your human resources person or supervisor. Take action, and stop whimpering about it.

You focus way too much on other people's activity, and I believe your perspective is distorted. You take rejection too personally and you make things seem that it is directed at you negatively. It's a fact that not everyone you show an interest in will feel the same way. Just because they date someone else (her) doesn't mean they are rubbing your nose in it (that's your perspective), they are just being human and going about their own business. The player guy is actually a lonely person. He can't get emotionally close to anyone, and tries to fill the void with the attention of women, but it's very short lived. He is insecure so he works it to be loved by others to boost is frail ego. He is a bully and we all know bullies are weak minded people.

Frenchy is right, you need to bring back your confidence by being friendly, say hi, and lightly socialize with your co-workers. If you have ever read the secret, it teaches the power of positive thought. If you think well of yourself and others around you, that energy is felt by others. It makes you a more approachable, inviting person...good thoughts brings good things to you. And like my mom always says, don't sweat the small stuff, just let it roll off your back.