How Can Something that seems so Right Go So Wrong -- Long Distance. Smh.

[Sunshine17]

I have been with my significant other for over 4 years now, 2 years into the relationship, he decided to come back to our city as he was away at college, so he transferred back he says it was for me. During that year, I became pregnant with twins while he was in college, he was completely supportive, attentive as he made sure with of course advise from his father to do what was I guess the right things to do as a man. His mom did not know anything in respect to my pregnancy because I was told by him and his father she would not take it well so they kept her in the dark about it. 8 months into my pregnancy I was told his mother found out, she was so upset that she made it her responsibility to call and threaten me.. I will say this much, I was told he had a girlfriend, I was told she was going to get a lawyer so he can write off his writes to his children, and then I was told I would never step foot into her house. With all that of course I broke down into tears. I could not channel or understand where all her hate was coming from.
Well, needless to say, It ended up where his father felt it was best to let his mother know I left the city to return home to my city to avoid all the necessary unwanted drama. As I never truly left, his father apologized for his wife behaviour and told me its not that he wants to lie to her but she gets beyond herself when it comes to protecting her son because she does not know my intensions. As women tend to be evil.
I will not get into the details of my birth but my twins were born and one of them did not make it... It was a very dramatic experience I can not express that loss nor would I want anyone to experience but I stayed strong for my baby that did.

because of all that I endored, I felt dont ask me why to do a little snooping.. going thru my bf phone I noticed repeared numbers then of course checking his facebook.. ohh yeah ..Bingo I found out while I was pregnant he was talking to his ex, he was cheating on me with this other chick.. and yes I comfronted him in the worst way because I just could not believe it. We got past it. and the last year of him being in college he moved in with me. He helped me in more ways than usual. He graduated from college and his mother a year before graduation became excepting to our child she finally came around as he and his father told her I came back. Seems like things are working out.. Wrong.

After he graduated, he decided he wanted to return back to the college he left to finish up his masters at first he felt that we all should go together but at the last minute he decided it was best to go and move in with his frat bros because it was a better way for him to save money so he could help us. Before he left he told me he would try to make it back every week, and help me pay my rent, as well as help me get someone to help me once a week with the cleaning of my apt. As I found out 3 months before he left we were expecting another baby. My whole thing is, and I do not want to be anyway selfish is why would he leave knowing our responsibilty?

I do not want for not to be better ...But regardless, since hes been away hes been out every weekend, he calls me every day and we will sit and talk about the progress of our child but afterwhich he always comes back with excuses like ..I gonna call you back, or I going to go eat, ..or I going jump in the shower ..each of these excuses he will take an hour before he calls me back or sometimes he won't .. his excuse is when I call ooOO Im just jumping in the shower now.. Im like are you kidding me? then he will call back like 15mins in.. saying are you better now? When I get so heated when he does that which I think is rude and stressful .. he says, I will call u back when your in a better mood? He just been such an ..Ahole since hes left. And I really hate his new actions towards me. I told him if I find out hes doing me wrong Im going to really go off on him, He then says if Im stressed out by him so much what am I doing with him? I like because I care about our family. Then I flipped and asked him the same question? He had no responses. He just kept putting it all on me. He will then just say Im going to bed.. and stay on the phone and fall asleep on me.. After being away for about 4 months he has decided to come back for only 4/days to visit with just me and his child whose now 2 1/2 yrs. I have not gone up to see him due to trying to save money.

I believe, and I maybe wrong that hes not being faithful eventhough he swears up and down he is. He does request I call him every morning to wake him up but that does not mean anything... At this point, I have nothing to prove that he is.. its all just based off of what I believe ...I guess Im reaching out because I just want another man's intake on this.. As there comes a lot of drama with his mother ..as yes she does know about this pregnancy because we told her ..she wasnt happy but it was nothing like when she first found out, And I also know she tells him things about me as she did encourage him to go away to pursue his masters. As she is so proud hes doing it ... But I know it was not for the right intensions.. And him living with 3 frat bros, does not sit well with me not at all.. to me its more like a frat house but when I do call hes always in his room or in the bathroom and I do not hear anyone or any loud noises ..Right now his father is that one that does assist me as much as he can by taking me to my doctors appt but his mother gets upset when he does so we just do not tell her. As he says hes just filling in for him till he gets back. He be away for 2yrs ..and he ask that we come up to move with him for the last year but its not very partical as Washington is not a cheap state. So, I have to do some real thinking. so im just stumped ..really stumped .. and thats my story

[dem862]

Well, the relationship is screwed. But the well-being of the child is of utmost importance. He should be supporting his children. If you are not getting regular child support, you should contact an attorney and make sure the children are getting what they need and entitled too. As for the relationship, it sounds like there really isn't one. Also his mom is a flake. I would expect nothing but drama from that family.

[Sunshine17]

Thanks I appreciate your reply. And yes I have thought about getting in touch with an attorney for those very reasons but his father tells me he cares and does assist me as he says he doing what he would do if he was here. As he is pursuing his masters for us. I would move up but our child goes to daycare that his mother ..and yes I say mother is pay for on a full time basis. I do not know if I am being over emotional as he says I am due to my pregnancy. I just know whats right and whats wrong. And If I was guy would I leave my pregnant gf and child to pursue what was best ? I say yes.. and I also say NO.

[Wakeup]

He's not going to give up getting his masters and you're so codependent and without the tools to look after yourself and your children so why are you not just sitting back and accepting your fate and trying to be calm and happy about it?

You will do nothing about this. He knows it, you know it, his parents know it so give up being upset about all this and just relax and try to enjoy the bed you've made for yourself. There is absolutely no other solution ~ is there? While you're learning to enjoy your fate why not take a course or two of your own so that you're not relying on this man to be your EVERYTHING.

[Sunshine17]

He's not going to give up getting his masters and you're so codependent and without the tools to look after yourself and your children so why are you not just sitting back and accepting your fate and trying to be calm and happy about it?

You will do nothing about this. He knows it, you know it, his parents know it so give up being upset about all this and just relax and try to enjoy the bed you've made for yourself. There is absolutely no other solution ~ is there? While you're learning to enjoy your fate why not take a course or two of your own so that you're not relying on this man to be your EVERYTHING.

Actually I am very independent, I do not depend on him for nothing. All that I do I do on my own including starting 2 business so that is not correct. And I am not waiting for anyone, the reason I stand behind him is because I want him to pursue and finish what he has too but at the same time somethings do come along with sacrifice. And we can accomplish what we need to thru other means. I do not want to change his goals or expectations but I have to put it out there. But that does not account for his actions towards me. Thanks for your reply anyways.

[Wakeup]

Okay.. so you have started 2 businesses. Awesome. Now work on them and leave him alone because nothing is going to change. You've tried to tell him that you want more of his time and attention and all that happened is his father came and justified why he's not giving it to you. You have two men to please and a nut-job for a (future?) mother-in-law... who pays for your childs daycare. Junior (your SO) doesn't have the tools to take responsibility for himself. This is who you consider your Significant Other so suck it up buttercup and accept your lot.

There is no reason on this earth that you should suffer from failing at changing this man. Afterall you have two choices both of which will make you happy if you accept.

1. Accept your lot in life and leave him to do his own thing while you do yours
2. Leave him and find someone who wants you, is okay having your two kids in his life and who will give you the time and attentions you crave.

Both those choices you have 100% control over because it's about you having the courage to accept the things you cannot change and having the strength to change the things you can. Changing him you can't do.. he can only volunteer to do so after you've told him what you want.

[Sunshine17]

Honestly, I am just going to put all my energy and all that I have into my life and my children. Some things I have found out is just not worth the time. Plus my focus is my career anyways. I knew deep down that I was right but I just had to hear it from others that I am not being selfish or self absorbed or over emotional like what I was told. It has not been easy, and trust me I am a good voicer on speaking my opinion but I have noticed a huge change in him one time who would care enough to make an effort but now his means to show an effort that he does care is close to nil. And for those reasons alone, I realized that he does not care about me. Many women would say, its Ok, and deal with it but I can only deal with so much as I am one with little to no tolerance especially when you have to run businesses. I always say there is the right way and then u got the wrong to deal with the approach on how you treat others. But I am going to be fine, and I understand completely on his choice and its not us. Some men just grow up later in life.