Stuck wanting more

**falconluvr64** · 30-10-12, 03:56 AM

I'm going to try and keep this short without going into all the gory details over the past three years or so. I met a woman 11 years older than me and we hit it off. By and large we've been just friends, but we've shared plenty of initmate details about our lives and formed a fairly significant connection. It was significant enough that when it came down to having to choose between the guy she had been seeing/living with for 4 years or me, I came out the winner. I think it could be argued, and I believe this guy did make a point, that we have an emotional relationship or emotional affair between us.

So here we are maybe a year-ish after their breakup and she's out dating. She's been picking different guys from dating sites/apps. She had said it's more about getting attention and feeling desired than it is about wanting to feel something for the guy(s). I can understand that as it seems this last breakup was rough, to the point of going to therapy and having suicidal thoughts. At the moment I think she's been kind of steady with a guy, but for how long I can't say.

After wrestling with my own feelings about her, I worked up the courage and sat down with her some months ago. I told her that I want to date her. We talked a bit about it and for her the age difference is an issue. Which is funny though as she's said before "I don't see the age difference". She also has said that I smell good to her, that being smart is sexy, and that she loves me. I've told her that I love her as well, and clearly it's no secret that I've wanted more with her.

She throws a party about a week ago. And what do I get to hear about? She mentions the guy she's been dating who has a lake house. Then with one of her friends she's talking about these requirements she has to date someone. I knew she had an age range, but now it seems news to me she has a 6'0 minimum height. The last guy she was with with tall, and apprently hung as well. It takes a little bit for me to think this over, but I kind of get annoyed and view her statement as "just another way that I don't meet her requirements", and so I leave the party.

I message her one evening this week and find out that mid-week she's travelled at least an hour to this guys lake house. It's kind of obvious that she's likely spending the night there. I get annoyed again and I make a quip about how he's an "idealized lover" and that I'm "not going to have as much fun" as she was. Clearly I struck a little nerve, as telling by her replies.

From there I proceed to likely make things worse. I write her an e-mail going into how she has all these idealized requirements for men she dates, asking how she thinks it's going to end with this guy if she moves to AZ as she has planned (which BTW was more running from the last guy so maybe this won't happen). I also go into wondering about her priorites. She's gone back to school and has struggled with a class required for her curriculum, yet she's driving an hour+ to get laid mid-week. I remind her that I love her and she knows it, and that I've told her I've wanted to date. I admit that I'm jealous and that great as I am I may not ever measure up to some of these other guys she's been with. I tell her that my feelings are likely going to come back up like this again unless they're resolved, but losing her as a friend is something I cannot bear.

By the end of the message, I admit that it's really all about me. I apologize for starting the issue by text and close that I hope I haven't hurt our relationship. The next day I'm at work and come to realize that it was stupid of me to get upset let alone go into this tirade via e-mail. I wait a day or two and decide to tell her I was over it. I had promised something at the party and I go and deliver it the next day.

I come to find out she's taking her 21 year old female roommate (an 18 year difference) into the city to a nightclub for Halloween, strictly for the purpose of the 21 year olds experience since she had never been. That's not normally a huge deal, but it bothered me since it would be something I would likely enjoy and I didn't get invited (understandable given the messages/email, but I think also a pattern with her not involving me in activites). What's more about it bothering me is that on top of the other stuff, I know she's going out to do these things and hasn't directly given me a dime to payback the couple grand I've loaned her, despite statements that she will give me a payment.

When the issue of money struck me instead of being rash I talked with my sister for advice. I backfilled her with pretty much everything here. She advised I shouldn't at this point make an issue out of the money until I speak with this woman about all the other issues, otherwise I risk her washing her hands clean of me entirely. My sister made a point of stating that I'm feeling like it's more a relationship, which I suppose is true given the emotional connection I have with the woman. But for now she advised that further contact is really up to my friend at this point. That's totally understandable and I've been sitting back waiting, despite I can't get the woman out of my mind.

So here I am, languishing in misery at not knowing what's going to happen with us. I know that at almost 40 there are things I won't be able to do with her, like having children. I also know that she has serious resentment towards men, after all the abuse she's been through. I know she's going to show signs of aging beyond what she already has, which is a big issue for her more than it is me. I know there will be struggles, like having family and friends understand us being together, or me relating with her and her older friends. In my mind and my heart right now, I accept everything that she is and all of those issues we'll come across and I'm ready to fight to be with her.

It's been probably two years since I've been interested in anyone even on the physical level. I know it's a result of having feelings for this woman. While I'm waiting to talk with her I've hopped onto some of the dating sites/apps. So far there haven't been any real interest. I suppose that's partly due to me being a little overweight and most people my age being fairly superficial. My reason for doing so is to see, if in the worst case of not being with her, whether there is someone else out there in which I can be interested.

Anyway, that's what's been going on. My sister is probably going to give me a little more advice about how to handle the situation when, or if, I do talk with my friend. I figured some different perspectives couldn't hurt. It's going to be a tough conversation. Maybe I'm just being nieve at this age in thinking that it could work out for us to become lovers, whether for a brief time or if we stick together until one of us dies. Yet there are plenty of older woman and younger man couples out there so maybe there is a chance.

**Cerby** · 30-10-12, 06:11 AM

I like the part where you said "I'm going to keep this short" and then wrote a novel.

As for the chance, there is little or none. If she were interested she wouldn't be dating around, she would be dating you. She told you the age is a problem for her, and you can't close the age gap. So here you are, hoping that someone will spin this in a way where you come out as winner, but that simply can't happen. She has shown a lack of intimate interest in so many ways, mostly by dating someone else, that you're in denial now.

Sorry man, you were probably just the stepping stone she needed to get out of a bad relationship, but now she is clear and looking for people who have things more expected for being that much older. What are your actual ages, anyways?