Tips on what to do: How can I try to win my lady back.

[roygoodbeat]

I have recently split up with my partner of 20 years. We have three lovely children, This is at the beginning stage and I am still living in the home.

My partner has been down recently and acting different. Her best friend moved out of the area and my youngest has started school. I began to notice her losing weight, wearing her best clothes and working extra hours at work. Her phone bill, (which is in my name) jumped up in usage. She began sending texts to a new number (29 in 2.5 weeks) and made a number of calls. She deletes these texts. I checked the number out as I was concerned and it is a colleague at work, I asked her about it and she went mad. Was almost acting desperate.

She then told me that it was over between us and that she has been unhappy for a while. She said that she had gone too far down the path to attempt to try to work things out, not even for the kids.

The texts and calls stopped but then I found a pay as you go mobile receipt. She denies having another phone even though I have seen her with it.

She says that there is no one else but she has been seen out with another guy.

The situation is breaking my heart. I have been to the doctor and I am showing signs of depression. We have had financial problems and I realise I have been low for a while, but not like this. I have been feeling low for a while because she never makes time for us. It is always something else. Even her brother noticed this 6 months ago when he came to stay.

On Saturday I was considering ending it all for myself. I have never felt so low. I don't have many friends, they are all hers and I know she has been discussing the situation with them, and her family.

The family went on holiday with her parents this week. I was meant to go but given the situation, she did not want me to go. As I will be still there at the home for the next couple of months, I am trying to think positive. I am going to try and make the environment better. We have let the house fall it a state. Whilst the family have been on holiday, I needed to concentrate on something. It gets very lonely on your own. So I have decorated the lounge and front room. Hope the kids love it. I hope she sees that I am trying to make an effort. It’s something she would not expect as she knows I have been in a mess. It may make the house feel better for all even if I do have to go. I have to start trying something but I want her to see who I am again.

I want to try and win her back. She says that there is no one else, even though the signs are there.

She is the best thing that has happened to me so I have decided that I will try to fight for her. I have to try for the 20 years we have spent together and my children. I am scared what it will do to my children. I know I have my faults and I know she says its over but I have to try. If I don't then I will feel worst for not trying.

If anyone can give some advice on the situation, that would help. I don't have anyone to talk to. Am I wrong about the signs? I need some (Not in your face) tips of what I could try.

[littlewing]

The issue seems to be common, but the fact that you have been together for so long and have kids makes it a lot more serious. You need to ask yourself if there is any love in her still, since she doesn't tell straight up. Maybe its just the way she is, not saying everything as it is which is common among women these days. My friend once said "love is a tango not a battle ground" you can't win if the other person is not into it. The only advice is to make decisions on a cool head, maybe take some time apart to think things over. If she still loves you she will come to you. Hope that helps and GOOD LUCK!

[IndiReloaded]

Get this book asap. Feel free to ask questions about the principles. "The 180" is a similar type strategy.

http://files.tyndale.com/thpdata/FirstChapters/978-1-4143-1745-8.pdf

[haxan]

Well, usually it's frustration and emotional/physical neglect at home that drives someone into the comfort of another. She found her white knight at work and is going to experience it. Nothing you can do about that.

The upside, if you want to call it that, is that normally the man/white knight truly wants nothing to do with a separated woman with kids and it's just the excitement of pulling her away from the other man and having her.

Once that excitement dulls, he will not want to see her nearly as often, if at all. She will become desperate and try to come back home to the safety and comfort of you and her family.

Doesn't mean it doesn't work out different sometimes, she may leave for good. But normally, this is the course of events. Stay strong, live your life for your kids and yourself, not her.

[roygoodbeat]

I know that if there is nothing there I can't win her back. I can't understand why she has changed over the last couple of months. I have to try. Not trying is giving up. I don't want to give up without fighting for her. It will help me if at least I try for the last 20 years and for my young children. I don't want to break their hearts.

The family are back at the weekend having been away for the week. Getting very nervous about it and I need to start positive. Not the wreck she left me in when they went.

We have both neglected the home over the last 18 months. To be positive I have decorated the lounge and dining room. Kept a similar colour scheme but chose the really sexy colour of Raspberry as the main feature wall. I have even fixed up a number of other things that needed doing. At least it will make the place look like a better environment for everyone. Hope she likes the colour, I know my kids would.

Any other advice would be appreciated.

[smackie9]

I know that if there is nothing there I can't win her back. I can't understand why she has changed over the last couple of months. I have to try. Not trying is giving up. I don't want to give up without fighting for her. It will help me if at least I try for the last 20 years and for my young children. I don't want to break their hearts.

The family are back at the weekend having been away for the week. Getting very nervous about it and I need to start positive. Not the wreck she left me in when they went.

We have both neglected the home over the last 18 months. To be positive I have decorated the lounge and dining room. Kept a similar colour scheme but chose the really sexy colour of Raspberry as the main feature wall. I have even fixed up a number of other things that needed doing. At least it will make the place look like a better environment for everyone. Hope she likes the colour, I know my kids would.

Any other advice would be appreciated.

It's not the house that needs attention it was your partner. Women that are neglected in the romance dept. seek attention else where, they have emotional affairs and all the signs are there. This guy makes her feel alive again, special, youthful and attractive....it can be very addicting to a middle aged lady that has been stuck in a mother and wife role for 20 years. Paint color on the wall won't do dick all, you need to make some changes on yourself. Why not you change your look, get into shape, buy new trendy clothes, and do things outside your comfort zone, like taking salsa dance lessons, gourmet cooking classes, scuba diving, rock climbing, etc. and be spontaneous, adventurous. Be a new, more attentive (romantically) YOU is what will change this around.

[smackie9]

I can't understand why she has changed over the last couple of months. We have both neglected the home over the last 18 months..

This started 18 months ago.... a steady decline. Two months ago, someone started giving her attention. She is sitting on the fence but hasn't jumped over just yet. Put on a brave face and ask her some serious questions, and also tell her what you have already noticed. You can't hide behind fixin the house (also known as sweeping it under the rug), you need to communicate more with her. Stop being so afraid. If you don't know exactly what's going on, then you won't really know how to address things with her.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, usually it's frustration and emotional/physical neglect at home that drives someone into the comfort of another. She found her white knight at work and is going to experience it. Nothing you can do about that.

The upside, if you want to call it that, is that normally the man/white knight truly wants nothing to do with a separated woman with kids and it's just the excitement of pulling her away from the other man and having her.

Once that excitement dulls, he will not want to see her nearly as often, if at all. She will become desperate and try to come back home to the safety and comfort of you and her family.

It depends why her needs weren't being met. Another way to look at affairs (Stung's philosophy, in fact) is that if someone can successfully break up a marriage, then maybe that was the right thing to be doing. Not the affair, but the breakup. A means to an end, so to speak.

Roy - you need to figure out what her needs were you weren't meeting. BUT *and this is key*, you can't try meeting them now. You need to follow the principles of the book I mentioned. Only when she is ready to come to you and work on issues *together* will you be able to try meeting each other's needs. If you do this too soon, it might actually drive her further away.

[haxan]

It depends why her needs weren't being met. Another way to look at affairs (Stung's philosophy, in fact) is that if someone can successfully break up a marriage, then maybe that was the right thing to be doing. Not the affair, but the breakup. A means to an end, so to speak.

I agree with that. For me, if my s/o came to me and said x,y & z aren't being met, we need to work on it or I'm out, is a situation that is salvageable. An s/o who doesn't communicate with me and is burning up the phone lines with another man would simply be an ex, immediately. Kids or not.

He wants to salvage it, so ya, he's going to have to 'try' and have dialogue with her. But from what he's written, she's in too deep. I'd like to see someone focus on themselves and their kids at this point, rather than try to negotiate her away from another man (that she went to without discussing anything at home first).

[Ladybuggg]

I dont understand why especially men start great then give the woman a heel of a time.
and till the woman leave them or tell u they are leaving the men wants to do all kind of things

so if u knew you needed to work on some stuff that cause separation and hurt why did u not work on it from day one?

why run sudanly now she is already done and tired of u?

A woman takes to much shit of men. so i am a fan of woman that end it right away without looking back.

If you are married its for shore good that u want to work on your self to keep your marriage but dont just do it for her to stay. cause if u get back to normal she will leave anyway.
and if u did hurt her for a while be shore she needs her time to think and heal.
cause u changing suddenly (when u thought now u have time fore that) doesnt take all the hurt of all those years away.

[roygoodbeat]

We had a long chat last night. She swears there is no one else and is upset I ever thought it. It was a long conversation. I let her talk and I listened and agreed on all her points. I apologised for the areas that I felt had gone wrong between us and said sorry for those she felt about. It was not a heavy conversation and I tried to keep it light as possible. For the first time in a while we laughed together.

There has been many negatives that has led to this. The house was one of them. The idea of the decorating is to create a better environment for the kids and us. The kids loved the raspberry wall and she liked it too. She and I have let it go. She wants to help me do the kitchen next. This is the first time she has shown a positive about the house in a long time.

I have listed the negatives and I am going to try and address these. I know it will most likely be too late but I can only try. She has agreed to work on being friends whilst I am in the house for the next 3/ 4 months. I think that is the first step. I am hoping she will see me during this time and maybe..... At least if I fail, it will be better for the children and make it easier whilst I am still there. She says she is scared of being on her own but she feels that she needs to start doing things for herself. I told her I will be there as a friend and support her if she needs it. She doesn't drive and I have offered to teach her if she wants me to.

I now know even more that I love her very much and I am going to at least try. If it does not work out, at least it will help the kids and when I move out it may prevent things getting bitter between ourselves.

I am going to take one step at a time and see how it goes. I'm not going to change, only show what has always been there but over time been suppressed over recent years. The things I will address are the causes that has led to this and the hurt.