I stuffed up. Can I get out of it?

[Moosh]

I need some advice, especially from a guy’s perspective.

I stuffed up, I know I did, now I need to try and fix it before I lose everything.

I have been with my partner for over 10 years (he is 10 years older if that makes a difference. I am 31, he is 41). He has always had threesome fantasies and would often ask if we could explore that fantasy. I always told him I wasn’t bi, wasn’t interested, sorry.

We did try it with another male a few times and I really enjoyed that but it just made him want the two women more and I felt hypocritical not allowing it so I backed away from those threesomes as well, that was probably 5-6 years ago. We also tried a swingers club once and met a nice couple and swapped partners with each other but there was no threesome. The swinging scene just wasn’t for us and we never went again.

I did however not want to crush his fantasy so I told him if he could ever find two women that were interested then he had my blessing. He said he wasn’t interested unless I was part of it and to the best of my knowledge he has never taken up that offer. He did however find a bi woman and they were looking for another woman to share. He swears they never slept together, I have my doubts about that.

Now the part where I stuffed up. A woman started at my work and I had an instant attraction to her, it was something that I had never felt before. We became good friends and went shopping and out for drinks etc together, just normal friend stuff. A year later that attraction was just growing and I found myself wanting to kiss her. I’m sure she tried one time but we were interrupted just at the wrong moment.

I told my partner about all this and he wasn’t angry that I nearly cheated, in fact he was over the moon about it and encouraged me to pursue it (sure he had an agenda but he was happy for me to see where it led nonetheless).

Move forward about a year and her and I really close, I have explored all parts of my bisexuality with her and openly admit to being bi now. My partner has started asking about threesomes again, either with her or with another woman and I have promised him he will get his wish.

But alcohol always stuffs things up. A few weeks ago I was over at her place drinking, her husband came home and well, things just happened, no need for details. I had my first threesome with another woman and it wasn’t with my partner. It will kill him if I tell him.

So, do I tell him?

Is there any way out of this without keeping the truth from him?

Guys, how would you take it?

Would the offer of exploring his fantasy ease any pain?

What if we had the threesome before I told him, would that make a difference one way or another?

I may have also stuffed things up with this woman as well as she thought I concentrated way too much on her husband and ignored her. I have no idea whether that is true as I honestly was too drunk. But it complicates things a little as she is very angry about it and she may open her mouth one day about it if I do decide to keep it all quiet.

[bluesummer]

I don't really understand how you resisted having a threesome with your husband all these years, but then a few drinks and you happily hop into bed with another guy for a threesome?

I'm sorry, I don't think having a threesome with your husband and then telling him you already did it once beforehand is going to make things any better. He's going to be hurt that you took this fantasy he's been bugging you about for years and went and played it out with another guy. That's where your issues will come in. I can't really call whether he'd be pissed at you for sleeping with another guy, since he let you do it before and he is also ok with your relationship with this woman. However, he didn't know about it so I can see him being hurt and pissed off that you went behind his back. I want to call it cheating, but in this instance that doesn't seem to be the right word.

I think you need to examine why you did this. It seems to me like you are enjoying exploring your sexuality everywhere BUT home. Could it be you're not sexually interested in your husband?

[bluesummer]

I don't really understand how you resisted having a threesome with your husband all these years, but then a few drinks and you happily hop into bed with another guy for a threesome?

I'm sorry, I don't think having a threesome with your husband and then telling him you already did it once beforehand is going to make things any better. He's going to be hurt that you took this fantasy he's been bugging you about for years and went and played it out with another guy. That's where your issues will come in. I can't really call whether he'd be pissed at you for sleeping with another guy, since he let you do it before and he is also ok with your relationship with this woman. However, he didn't know about it so I can see him being hurt and pissed off that you went behind his back. I want to call it cheating, but in this instance that doesn't seem to be the right word.

I think you need to examine why you did this. It seems to me like you are enjoying exploring your sexuality everywhere BUT home. Could it be you're not sexually interested in your husband?

I don't think there's a way out of this.....the best thing to do here is tell the truth, especially with the other woman threatening to rat you out. It is going to sound so much worse coming from her.

[bluesummer]

Wtf, why can't I edit or delete my posts? Dammit LF

[Moosh]

I don't think there's a way out of this

The easiest option will be to make good with the other woman and that will keep her quiet and then never tell my partner. I know that's not morally right but certainly keeps people from being hurt and I will just have to live with the secret.

[Moosh]

It seems to me like you are enjoying exploring your sexuality everywhere BUT home. Could it be you're not sexually interested in your husband?.

You raise a point worth thinking about.

I would say that I am very interested in my partner, we have a very active and healthy sex life. I have never really asked myself why we never had a threesome, maybe it's time that I did?