Seeking relationship advice?

[imadesklamp]

Hello everyone! I am new to this forum.

I have quite the complicated dilemma if anyone is willing to help. My current boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year. We were best friends for two years before we started dating and he was obsessed (yes, obsessed) with me that entire time. I am a senior in high school and he graduated from high school a few months ago.

Throughout out relationship, we have broken up twice. Once in January because I broke up with him and once in September because he broke up with me. Before I had broken up with him, I could tell he was completely and totally in love with me. He literally needed me. He told me that his 'dream' was to have a girl who was completely dependent on him and a girl who only wants him. When I broke up with him, it was only for three days. He actually attempted suicide during that time and begged for me back. Needless to say, we got back together, but he wasn't the same person and neither was I. I found myself being completely dependent on him and he wasn't dependent on me. Almost as if we literally switched roles. I could tell he still loved me, but I questioned whether he loved me less. Sometime in June, he had told me that he no longer thinks he wants to live with me and he questions whether or not we will stay together, which utterly crushed me because he had promised me both of those things. He broke up with me in September for about a week, why, I'm not too sure. I found myself begging for him back because I knew he still loved me and I knew he was miserable. He agreed and we got back together.

I thought all was well up until last night. He had confessed to me that he hasn't been completely honest with me lately. We had found ourselves talking about marriage and us getting married and us staying together for sure this time. I asked how he knew he was going to stay with me and he told it's his "boyfriend's intuition". He had confessed to me last night that he doesn't want to think about marriage or the term forever because "nobody really knows", as quoted by him. He told me he only told me he's positive he will stay and marry me because he "didn't want me to get upset". But then he told me he wants to, he's just not sure if it will happen or not. Then he started talking about how he doesn't trust himself and he's scared he's going to hurt me, which made me think that I'm basically with him again knowing we're going to break up at some point. He told me that's not the case, and he's about 99.9% sure he won't hurt me, but there's always that "what if". He also told me that I'm too dependent on him and that everything is always about him (which is true), and he doesn't think that's healthy. I told him why he thinks that's a bad thing, and he said it's not a bad thing, because I'm his everything too (???). He also had told me that if we were to ever break up, he would be miserable for a time, but he would still know his identity and move on. This kind of hurt me and I told him that means he doesn't truly love me, and he disagreed because he knows he loves me. But I know that if we were to ever break up, then I would be lost and empty, just as I was before.

What I don't understand is that I never forced him to say anything. I tell him all the time I don't want to force him to do anything at all. Just last week he was happily talking about how he doesn't mind having me as his one girl for the rest of his life and he was jokingly saying about how he will be in charge of our money when we're married since I'm horrible with money. And he would get upset when I would sarcastically question the phrase "our money". And how he's telling me he doesn't want to think about all of this and he just "wants to live out the remaining days of his childhood". I told him that maybe I'm not the best for him, and he said he wants to stay with me and I am what's best for him. But I just have no idea. I can see myself happily being with him for the rest of my life because I love him. I know he loves me and he tells me he wants to marry me, but when he says that he would "get over it" if we ever broke up, that just makes me question everything.

Any thoughts?

[Evo1114]

"He told me that his 'dream' was to have a girl who was completely dependent on him and a girl who only wants him."

This sounds like somebody who either has some trust issues or self esteem issues. To me, that sounds like "I don't want you to talk to other dudes, have any friends, except for me. If you interact with other people, I'm afraid you will lose all interest in me."

It is like he's telling you all these things about marriage, being together forever, etc. probably because he thinks those are things you want to hear and is saying it in a desperate attempt to keep you in his life. I bet when he says stuff like "I don't trust myself", he is really saying "I don't trust you". He is taking a passive-aggressive approach in saying he has trust issues with you...hoping that if you see that he feels horrible about 'not trusting himself', that you would feel horrible about not trusting YOURSELF. (Sorry if that didn't make much sense, I had trouble wording that). He may just be suffering from depression and his trust issues stem from that rather than anything you say or do.

I don't know. It sounds like this guy has issues...he probably needs to see a therapist. I just think you should take the things he says about marriage, etc. with huge a grain of salt. He doesn't want to lose you, that's good, but it sounds like he is very obsessed with you, and that's bad.

[imadesklamp]

Thank you for replying. I actually think it's the other way around. I know he trusts me because I give him no reason not to trust me. I trust him, but I find myself constantly worrying about him leaving me since he has done it before and because he basically told me he lied to me when he said he's going to stay with me and he's going to marry me, even though that's what he "wants". He told me he just wants a girlfriend who he can chill with and someone he wants to live in the present with, and not think about marriage and forever. But I'm not just too sure what that means...

"He told me that his 'dream' was to have a girl who was completely dependent on him and a girl who only wants him." Also, he doesn't think that way anymore. I think I'm the one starting to think that and he wants nothing to do with it. He tells me all the time I'm his best friend and I'm his number one priority and his everything, which I believe, but I don't know.

[imadesklamp]

Thank you for replying. I think you missed the part of the post where I said "we practically switched roles after we broke up the first time", meaning, he realized he doesn't want a girl to be dependent on him anymore. He isn't obsessed with me, nor is he forcing me at all to stay with him. He even told me he would eventually get over me if we were to break up. I'm not begging him for marriage either. I realize that is something I shouldn't do and I am telling him that today.

[dem862]

Did he get counseling after his suicide attempt? He actually seems more mature now than then. It is an extremely poor decision to kill yourself over a relationship. It is realistic to admit that any relationship might end some day and to realize there will be a period of grief and then life goes on. It kinda sounds like he has realized he made a stupid choice, but you are still hanging on to the notion that it was a reasonable thing to do.

High school relationships rarely last long. You should be concentrating on having fun and not so worried about marriage and being dependent on each other. If you aren't having fun in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, it's not working. The suicide attempt and subsequent drama just seem much too complicated. This is not what love really is. A dysfunctional Shakespeare play, yes, but real life no. If your relationship can't become functional and centered, then it has probably served its purpose and it is time to move on to a relationship where patterns are not so dramatic and uncertain.