I started a new job last September. I'm 39, my closest colleague is 12 years younger, very attractive and we begin working together successfully immediately. I have more experience in various fields of business than her but in this position, she is the expert and I respect her fully for that. Inevitably, I am attracted to her but for the reasons that she has a fiancé, is so much younger than me and that dating at work can cause many problems for everyone involved, I decide from day one that I can never ever be anything but professional and friendly towards her; no flirting, hitting on her or showing deeper feelings for her, should such develop. We've got a job to do, I can't risk ruining my new job, her work and the relationship setup she's already established just because I think she's hot. It'll be tough, but that's the way it's got to be.
1. Good phase - mixed up with a few odd negative moments
She, however, zooms in on me right from the start, at a very close level, closer than she shows any other co-worker and closer than I would expect from someone in her circumstances. I quickly become her hero, respected co-worker, advisor, helper and problem sharer. We laugh, work, party, develop new projects together and clinch one commercial success after another. Those are heady, happy days. We look good together. She helps me and is not afraid to ask my help, lobbies on my behalf and goes out of her way to make me an instantly welcome member of the office community. People are beginning to talk about "us". She invites my to a dinner party at her home - where people I don't know come up to me and introduce themselves, displaying obvious admiration about what they've heard about me from her.
I'm having a dead hard time sticking to my earlier moral decision, I'm very close to revealing my feelings for her on many occasions but...I stick to my guns. What makes me hold back is the fact that interspersed with her positive attitude towards me, are short, odd moments of cold, distant and sometimes hostile behaviour, that contrast very strongly to the "good" side. They don't happen at all often, and I usually brush them aside as moody exceptions to her otherwise fantastic outlook - but they are nevertheless very striking: without warning, she will suddenly for example freeze into stiff silence towards me during a business lunch, while still happily talking to all others present. I am suddenly for all purposes "not there". Another example: when she returns from a trip, I cheerily greet her in the corridor asking how it was - and am met with a rude dismissing comment while she blankly looks the other way. When going out for an after-work drink with all the office mates, she squirms very uncomfortably about having to accept a drink when it's my turn to buy the round...and then when its her turn to buy, enthusiastically asks everyone their preference but can hardly be bothered to figure out what I'm having. Very rude- you might say - but at this point I choose to ignore or gloss over these odd impolite moments.
2. Bad phase - but mixed up with a few very good moments
In the new year, everything changes. She pulls back, switches off and stops communicating except on the most minimal level. I've done one of her projects for her while she was on Christmas holiday - in line with how we have helped each other up to now - but receive no thanks whatsoever. She pulls back this and all the other projects we used to do together and runs them herself from now on. One of the projects needs extra overtime work and she goes around the office asking for help. I naturally offer to help (as I've always done), which now seems to make her extremely uncomfortable for some reason. Finally it is only with the greatest reluctance she lets me help her finish this job and I get the distinct feeling she was really annoyed with having me in the same room that day.
Where our interpersonal communication all autumn has been mixed up with personal bits of information, like what films we saw at the weekend, what music we like, shops and restaurants we recommend to each other - i e small talk - all this is suddenly now rudely cut short by her. Her body language is as cramped up and defensive as possible whenever I come close. Innocent jokes about work or other things, which used be the source of many shared laughs, are killed instantly by her in a deadpan way. When I mention a dinner I went to, where common friends were present, she interrupts me shrilly "I don't want to hear about your private life!!!".
She will readily endorse my business initiatives publicly at larger meetings where our boss is present, in a very generous way, but when in smaller project meetings, she now refuses to sit close to me, is contantly on edge, looks at me with blank fear when I say something, replies stiffly and non-committingly and runs out of the room as soon as meeting closes. And when talking to her 1 to 1 in her room she says as little as possible, as superficially as possible, avoiding eye contact.
I mention a new restaurant I've been to, to which she replies she hates the food there. The very next day I bump into her having lunch at that place.
When I meet her in the corridor just before a business meeting she's hosting and wish her good luck, her face screws up angrily and she growls as short a "thanks" as is at all possible. The very next day office colleagues tell me she's been going around saying how impressed she is with my latest work efforts. And so it goes on: the cold front is total, but suddenly she signals something very positive out of the blue - just like her positive phase was mixed up with bad moments last season.
3. Hot & cold, yes & no
The last week has been very extreme. On Tuesday my boss asks me to supply her with important business facts she needs to win a negotiation. Wednesday morning she's back and I ask kindly how did it go ? She visibly backs off a whole metre from me, looks really and troubled and says angrily "Err...yeah..well...yes...it will be....OK...of course...if......eh...all right, OK!" Then she doesn't speak to me for the whole day until at 4pm, when she suddenly swerves elegantly into my office, flutters her eyes, earnestly signalling that she wants to share her happiness for and hear my views on the massive impact one of our earlier co-projects has suddenly generated. She stares deeply into my eyes and looks, well....to put it bluntly: horny. Having been dismissed in the morning I am now completely bewildered about this afternoon come-on. My mind works at lightning speed how to deal with this moment and I tell myself to quickly adopt a neutral but confident posture, display a friendly smile and reply as slowly, calmly, carefully and non-intensely as possible "I thought it was a success - we did a good job, you me and the others. Now we must make sure the project continues that way, too". All during this I look her steadily into the eyes without blinking.
She melts! Her eyes go all glossy, she sighs happily, ruffles her hair, catches hold of the door not to lose balance and then wobbles off on shaky legs, Ally McBeal-like, almost banging into a wall. Ten minutes later, she calls me over to relay the contents of a totally irrelevant phone call, just to have me stand next to her again.
The next morning, we have our weekly staff meeting. For the first time in our "history" together, I am now certain that she signals attraction. She visibly flirts with me across the room all through the meeting. Taken at face value, there is no doubt whatsoever of what these signs mean. (Whether they are genuine or not is another thing)
Meanwhile, as part of my strategy to develop healthy contacts with some other co-workers, I've taken out another girl to see a film the week before. It was nice, and we are thinking of doing it again this evening provided I can reschedule another appointment. We decide to call each other later which she happily agrees to. My "hot & cold" colleague gets to hear about this movie date when we're all out at lunch together. Note: these two colleagues have no special relationship and don't usually do things together after work.
In the evening, when I call my "movie date colleague" to settle what we're going to do, guess what, my "hot & cold colleague" is right there with her! My movie date tells me that "hot & cold" has suddenly invited her to go see a concert the same evening! My "movie date" sounds slightly surprised at being "fought over"....while I just become totally baffled.
Now what on earth is all this about ?
The totally mixed up serving of disgust, admiration, indifference, lust, closeness, flirting, distance, equality, inequality, communication, silence, rudeness, approval and condescension I get is freaking me out, and wearing me down. The shift from positive and negative is particularly difficult to handle. I could understand it if we'd dated and it misfired, but that never happened!
Sometimes I feel she hates me, for some reason that I am not told - like I may have done something bad towards her without noticing it - and not getting to know the reason feels unfair. Sometimes I feel she dislikes me for no reason at all, which is also unfair. Sometimes I speculate that she really is very interested in me but that not getting a reaction (=due to my decision not to get involved) is what's making her angry. Sometimes I sense she's simply a manipulative person trying to provoke any reaction at all, switching between methods to find a "chink in the armor". Sometimes I feel it's not about me at all, I'm just someone who got in the way of her many moods.
But what's very certain, is that I'm now the only one in our 40 people office she acts this way towards. All the others are handled in a cheery, light, friendly, air-hostess way with lots of small talk. I get none of her small talk at all - which at least puts me in a unique position. But is that good or bad....?