New here, and hoping for some advice on a recent breakup

[autumnair]

Hi,

My boyfriend broke up with me about two weeks ago, and I'm in a place where things feel alternately complicated and straightforward, and I have a hard time figuring out what to do or how to manage how I'm feeling. He and I had been together for about 11 months -- lately we've been arguing a lot, and things just kind of came to a head. We're both in our last year at Uni, and had talked a bit over the summer about trying to keep our options open for being in the same place next year, even though there wasn't much chance of that happening.

Things started to get difficult in the spring term -- he got really stressed about work, and basically pushed me out of his life to study. I don't think he managed the stress well at all, but things were harder for me than they needed to be, because a lot of my friends were also busy and/or unavailable at the same time, and I started to feel really lonely. I wanted him to at least be explicit about saying that he wanted to spend time with me, but couldn't, so that I wouldn't feel unwanted, but he had a hard time with this for some reason (or he felt it should be obvious, which maybe it should have been). We got through it, but I think I was left feeling like I was "owed" something from that time.

Over the summer, things were intermittently rough. Between June and September, we fought probably around ten times. Some of these were things that would have happened anyway, but I think that in the majority, we would have arguments because I started to feel neglected, and insecure as a result. I think feeling lonely from the spring played into this for me, as well as the fact that there weren't a lot of others around over the summer, so it was easy to feel alone. He and I probably spent more time together than we should have, and to be honest, because things are really great when they're going well, I think it was easy for me to feel like time spent without him just wasn't that great. But I think that basically I was experiencing a lot of anxiety about work, loneliness without friends, and coupled with the feeling of being "owed" from before, it just made me insecure every so often.

We took a break at the beginning of this term, to try to figure out whether we really wanted to be together, or whether it was just that we were so used to one another. During that time, I recognized that I needed to let go of feeling owed and make some changes in how I interacted and the kinds of things I got upset with him about, and be more willing to make some changes myself, if I wanted things to work -- and I realized that I really did want to do that. He came back from the break a little more unsure -- he pointed out that the chances of us being able to stay together past the end of the year were low, and maybe we should take a step back and try to make things more casual because of this. At the time, I didn't think this made any sense -- what he said was basically that he would rather take a step back now, than risk getting more attached so that it was really hard to break up at the end of the year, and that (still) just seems a bit cowardly to me. Now, I think that maybe there was something that made sense about taking things casually -- I think we started talking about planning together before our relationship was really ready for it, and it put a lot of unnecessary pressure on. I started to feel like we had to have this intense, self-sufficient relationship in order for me to be in a place where I COULD make a decision about my future that involved another person, and I think he had a hard time separating the idea of trying to keep our options open from the idea of making a commitment to try and be together.

After our break, we made some agreements. We agreed to try and be a bit more socially independent, and to try to help each other do this. We also decided that we would set aside one day at the beginning of each week, when we knew we were going to do something together. Time during the rest of the week would be as it worked out, but this way we would have some plan at least once a week. We did this because we've both got a massive amount of work on our plates this term, and a lot of stress.

This worked really well for a couple of weeks. He forgot to check about schedules in the second week of term, but I pointed it out to him, and it wasn't a big deal. But then the low-level loneliness & depression that I had been feeling all summer really started to take over for me. I got so anxious about the amount of work I had to do that I stopped making plans to see friends because I felt that I was working inefficiently and needed more time. I think I felt like this was ok, because at least I'd see him, so I'd have something social. But the end result was that I got even more lonely and depressed -- I was really unhappy and felt like I had no control over it, because I didn't recognize my loneliness for what it was. I kept feeling like it was just that he wasn't making the same kind of effort I was, and got insecure about whether or not he wanted to spend time with me -- and I think it was probably self-fulfilling, because I imagine the more demanding I got, the less he DID enjoy spending time with me.

In retrospect, I can see that what was happening was that I was desperately unhappy, and trying to pin it on anything I felt like was being "done" to me (I was so down that I was unable to recognize that I might have some control over the situation). And as a result, I just kept pushing him. He has a habit of changing plans at the last minute if he gets worried about work or something -- I find this frustrating, but I made it into a much bigger issue than it needed to be. I made it into this issue about him being inconsiderate with my time, but what I really ended up pushing for was more and more time (even though I didn't recognize this, or actually want it myself). Even if he had been able to do everything I wanted, I think I wouldn't have been happy, because he wasn't the problem. I was crying alone several days a week, without really understanding what I was so upset about.

The last couple of weeks before the breakup got really bad -- the arguing reached the stage where it equalled, or just surpassed the good times we were having together. When he broke up with me, I absolutely panicked, because I had created this situation for myself where time with him was the only social break I got from work, and so it felt like there wasn;t going to be anything good left to look forward to. But it was the right thing to do, because the breakup made me start thinking, and it made me snap out of my depression and realize that I needed to make some changes, and could make myself feel better.

He and I have talked a couple of times since then. I've told him that I recognize what I was doing and how it was difficult -- he said that he felt a bit complicit, and like he wasn't doing some of the things he needed to do for himself as well. We agreed to take a couple of weeks, hang out a bit as friends maybe, and then talk and see how we were feeling. For one reason or another, we ended up talking after a week -- which was probably a mistake. I told him that I felt like we should take a bit of time till the end of term, spend more time apart (maybe not hang out one-on-one), so that we could be sure we were able to make the changes we needed, and that after that I would like to try again -- but more casually, so to start by going on dates and seeing how that went. We've agreed many times that there were some really, really good things about our relationship -- and from my perspective, I think realizing what was causing me to get upset (and causing the bulk of our fights) means that there's a way to try again and just have the good without the bad.

He doesn't believe that we can have the good without the bad. I don't know if this is because he's still just feeling the relief of not arguing a lot (which I am feeling as well), and is therefore unable to try and look at the underlying cause of the arguments and recognize that they all come from the same place, and isn't jsut that we "don't get along" or something like that. He was willing to say we'd take the time apart and then try to hang out, but he wasn't willing to say that we could go on a date or give it a shot after that. I know that he probably needs his own space to think, recover from the shock of everything that led to the breakup, but I'm so confused about this -- I think there's so much good in the relationship, that as long as there's a clear path to try and have just the good without the bad, it's worth giving it a shot. Once the term is over, the risks are minimal, especially as I'm not talking about jsut jumping back into the same relationship, which I don't want either, but instead of trying a new low-pressure way of being together. I can;t understand why he's not even willing to say right now that he might want to try.

He did say that he didn't see how things would be different from before, when we've fought, agreed to do things differently, and ended up in the same place. To me, it's completely different. For one thing, we would agree to change our behavior (with regards to how we disagreed with one another), but then we would go straight back into the same situation, and it was almost impossible to change anything. For another, prior to this we hadn't looked at what we were doing OURSELVES that was making us unhappy and causing us to fight. I think doing this, and moreover, taking the time to change those things, means that we'd really be trying something new and much more positive.

Things are really hard for me right now, as he's my best friend, and it's really difficult trying to go through the stress of work and grad school applications without that person around to talk to. I'm trying very hard to maintain the distance until the end of term, though, as I think he needs the space to stop just feeling like there was unpleasantness, and to be able to separate that from the good things. But I'm worried that instead he'll just adjust to not having me around ...

I think that, at the end of term, I need to let him come to me and say that he wants to spend some time together (whether it's a date or not), but I'm worried that he won't do it, or he won't feel differently then. I don't want to push him to talk about things before he's ready or wanting to talk about them, but then every so often I start to feel like I just need to explain clearly why things will be different, and then he'll see it. And then I ricochet between feeling like things are going to be okay -- he clearly still cares about me and wants to be friends, and the couple of times we've hung out as friend we've had a nice time, so I just need to let him recognize that he misses the good things and that we CAN have them without the arguing (or at least, there's a really good reason to believe we can try) -- and being absolutely terrified that things are going to go so badly that he won't even reach out to me as a friend anymore. I miss my best friend so much right now that, even though rationally, I know he's feeling stressed and hurt, I can't understand how he wants to push me away, and how he can manage without talking a couple of times a week in the evening, or telling me what's on his mind.

Am I doing the right thing in just backing off and waiting for him to come back and want to hang out (as friends or otherwise)? Or do I need to explain why I am convinced things will be different? Or do I wait and then try to explain later? Should I just cut off all contact right now, or should I continue to do some of the things we used to do, like sending each other interesting news articles we've read and things like that? What's the best way to give him space without making it easy for him to just bury thinking about the things that are lost? He's very good at just not thinking about things that he doesn't like but can't change, and I'm worried he'll do that about me going away for a while ...

[searock]

Cut your post down to a few paragraphs, and maybe someone will read it.

[Boisdevie]

Cut your post down to a few paragraphs, and maybe someone will read it.

Seconded. We don't want to read your ****ing life story dear.

[luvcoq]

This why people never stay here. They open their heart and just get abused for it. Sad times.

[luvcoq]

To the OP, yeah, keeping a raccoon indoors isnt fair on you or the animal.

[smackie9]

Time to put your big girl panties on and move on. Reality: Like people in your life, relationships will come and go. This relationship ended and so will the next and so on. You need to stop dwelling on the past, and start building a new future......just let go.

[AGuy101]

Seconded. We don't want to read your ****ing life story dear.

Sec. I will read it. I will edit this post in with my response when I am done.

You guys cannot keep spamming the page with cliches and mimicking bromides that choke any conversation. "Friend-zoned, move one" is bullshit. That is in response to members here who just want to get their post count up.

As to YOUR problem: you have not stated anything. I have to say that that huge collection of syntax above is just repeats of the previous paragraph and etc. The theme is: work vs. love. There is no dichotomy between work and love. A man has to have both to lead a happy life. What the problem is: your boyfriend does not love you. You have not provided any background on anything. You just said you both yell a lot. But there is one psychological problem with your boyfriend. He has "commitment issues" so-to-speak. He does not see you in his future.

He does not think long-range. This is evident in you telling us that it's your last year of college. I have seen it before. The psychological problem in that situation was that the guy lost his father at a young age. When he was about to graduate high school he broke up with his girlfriend and there was a lot of yelling and argument. It was because the boyfriend thought if he loved the girlfriend she would end up like his father. So he created a "malevolent view" of the universe where everything sucks and there is nothing he can do about anything. The same is true here.

Saving your boyfriend would be a burdensome task for anyone. It would be like if I raised a child to what I see as an ideal woman then marry her. That is disgusting and stupid. Just stop now. Go talk to a psychologist for YOURSELF. And fix your troubles. Then move on.

[luvcoq]

Cant ****ing wait.

[HeartIsAching]

You guys cannot keep spamming the page with cliches and mimicking bromides that choke any conversation.

Why not????

[luvcoq]

No cunt wrote "friend zone", or "move one", whatever the **** that means.

[Wakeup]

"Friend-zoned, move one" is bullshit. That is in response to members here who just want to get their post count up.

Is there a trophy for most posts? O.o

Cant ****ing wait.

me either. Lolzzz

[Wakeup]

Anyway Op.. sorry, but that was even too much for me to get through before my eyes started to bleed. The jist is he broke up with you and you're hurting at the moment. You'll get through it, just take one day at a time and try not to dwell in your thoughts of him. You're busy enough that not dwelling should be fairly easy for you. It will get better.

[AGuy101]

Anyway Op.. sorry, but that was even too much for me to get through before my eyes started to bleed. The jist is he broke up with you and you're hurting at the moment. You'll get through it, just take one day at a time and try not to dwell in your thoughts of him. You're busy enough that not dwelling should be fairly easy for you. It will get better.

Nice. And. Nice. I sorta kinda, little bit, looked at it. But you'll be fine.