Need Help

[MrStats70]

I am into a woman who is in the process of divorcing her husband. We have been in touch for 2 1/2 years and intimate for the first 9 months before she filed for divorce. She claims to have been out of love with him for the last 3 years. Now that she is almost finalized in her divorce, she said she doesn't know what she wants now, she says she loves me but she doesn't know if she can commit ahead of time because she needs time. But before the divorce was filed and she was into me while legally married, she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. What gives? Do I stay in or go? Me, I'm 43 years old, her 42 with 2 boys, 14 and 12. I asked her last night if we could pre-commit and she said she couldn't. Lost....

[basilandthyme]

MrStats, when she said that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you, she was newly infatuated with you and finding out what life could be like without her ex. Now that more time has passed, she realises that she should not be so rash as to promise anything until she's had time to be single and discover herself again.

While I (successfully) moved on and made a new family with a man I'd met when recently separated, I recognise that this was a very rare thing to acheive. The general rule of thumb for a recently divorced person is to be single for a couple of years while regaining your footing.

You have two choices here: be patient and wait for her to make up her mind. Or, tell her to contact you if and when she's ready. My preference would be the latter option.

[Fruitsss]

u most be stupid to believe that someone can divorce and be ready to be with u.
divorce is something big ,so the person need time,years to heal and to get back to her normal self.

and it was your own stupid self that dated married people, knowing that u r wrong for that.
and that u are investing in somebodys else wive.

so what ever she do is good . next time use your head instead of your dick.
and she cant jump from men to men cause she have kids and that is not good for them.

[basilandthyme]

u most be stupid to believe that someone can divorce and be ready to be with u.
divorce is something big ,so the person need time,years to heal and to get back to her normal self.

and it was your own stupid self that dated married people, knowing that u r wrong for that.
and that u are investing in somebodys else wive.

so what ever she do is good . next time use your head instead of your dick.
and she cant jump from men to men cause she have kids and that is not good for them.

Wow, that was spectacularly rude.

When I left my ex-h, I was so over the marriage that I hit the ground running. No sad navel gazing for me. I met a man two months later - we had a one night stand and we're still very happy together 20 years later. Was he stupid to date me? Was having the great outcome which we've had so bad?

My sister left her abusive husband for someone else and they've made a great second marriage too. Her new hubby is so great.

While I don't recommend this approach, it CAN work out. It's all about risk management. Taking on a newly separated person IS high risk...I don't deny it. But it's not impossible to work out. If someone can cope with the high risk, I don't see anything wrong with it.

[Wakeup]

... Thing is, It seems Op got with this woman (in some capacity) BEFORE she was even separated, never mind divorced. (it's not clear, I could be wrong there) In any event; It sounds to me like she used Op for a soft place to land. Now that she's actually out of the relationship, she doesn't need him now.

More times than not, a person leaving a marriage during an infidelity will not end up living happily ever after with their cheating partner. Hence why it's a stupid idea to think that a married person is being legit with the person they're enabling to cheat. Google "Rebound Relationship" and read up about how you (probably) ended up being a "human bandaid."

Leave her alone op. If she wants you, she knows where you are. Be smarter in your choices in the future and stick to women who are actually free to love you.

We have been in touch for 2 1/2 years

"In touch?" What was this, one of those online fantasies?