Partner has been phoning sex lines

[Raffa1]

Hi...any thoughts gratefully received as I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I have been in a loving relationship (normal ups and downs) for nearly 4 years. We have recently moved in together. I have had some health issues in the last year or so....one of the effects of this has been fatigue and low libido and this has definitely affected our sex life and our ability to communicate. Last week I discovered my boyfriend has been phoning sex lines for some time. I know he uses porn and have no problem with this, but sex lines seems more like cheating. I feel hurt and worried about this for several reasons....firstly, i think he phoned because he needed something more personal and thrilling than porn and I'm worried that this will progress over time to needing a "real cheating experience". Secondly, I'm just totally floored by the fact that the deceit has been going on for some time.

He has not tried to defend his actions (despite saying he has been sexually frustrated), and he admits that he has been cruel and disrespectful to me. He has promised to change his behaviour, but I'm not sure I can move forward from this.

[AGuy101]

"I have had some health issues in the last year or so....one of the effects of this has been fatigue and low libido and this has definitely affected our sex life and our ability to communicate."

Please don't tell me you just have been eating a lot of food and have become a huge pig: those aren't "health" issues qua health issues if you're a lazy shit.

I recommend telling the forum what those "health issues" are. Depression does not count and neither do psychological issues or etc. I can't imagine why anyone would ever use the word: "libido" unless they were lying their panties off because they cannot deal with reality. I didn't even know what the word was. I googled it and I cannot believe someone would use such a dumb word.

There is no such thing as Platonic love. If I were your boyfriend I would dump you: especially since you are making a "libido" of excuses. 4 years? Jesus. And it took that long to move in? You want help? Then specify this "health" issue. There are no "cry-abeties" here.

[bcgirl]

Men have more testosterone than women and one of the symptoms is a higher sex drive. So he needs to be getting his relief from some place. I know your libido is low but you need to still satisfy him because his libido is high. This is the number one reason men cheat with prostitutes, they say their wives don't put out anymore.
Why not go to your doctor to figure out a way you can do something about this? It's not fair to him either that he has to suffer in a sexless relationship.

[searock]

Depression does not count and neither do psychological issues or etc.

Why the hell not?

[AGuy101]

Why the hell not?

Because that answers her own question. Why the fu*ck come here? Go to a psychologist.

[searock]

Then tell her that, instead of wording it in a way that implies that psychological issues aren't a good reason for having a low libido (perfectly normal word btw).

[smackie9]

Hi...any thoughts gratefully received as I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I have been in a loving relationship (normal ups and downs) for nearly 4 years. We have recently moved in together. I have had some health issues in the last year or so....one of the effects of this has been fatigue and low libido and this has definitely affected our sex life and our ability to communicate. Last week I discovered my boyfriend has been phoning sex lines for some time. I know he uses porn and have no problem with this, but sex lines seems more like cheating. I feel hurt and worried about this for several reasons....firstly, i think he phoned because he needed something more personal and thrilling than porn and I'm worried that this will progress over time to needing a "real cheating experience". Secondly, I'm just totally floored by the fact that the deceit has been going on for some time.

He has not tried to defend his actions (despite saying he has been sexually frustrated), and he admits that he has been cruel and disrespectful to me. He has promised to change his behaviour, but I'm not sure I can move forward from this.

He obviously has fallen into a moment of weakness and as he had fallen deeper, the intesity has excelled to sex chat. It's a cry for help for your relationship. Moving forward is not what you need to do, you need to address what led up to this and why it had carried on for so long. Yes we do sometimes get so involved with our own problems we tend to not tend to the needs of our partner and the relationship itself. His actions are a symptom of deeper issues.

I suggest you go to a few couples therapy sessions to break the ice and to get you two talking openly about all of this and then some. You have comminication problems, that is a symptom within itself too. You have a lot of work to do if you want to make this relationship work.

[Wakeup]

"I have had some health issues in the last year or so....one of the effects of this has been fatigue and low libido and this has definitely affected our sex life and our ability to communicate."

Please don't tell me you just have been eating a lot of food and have become a huge pig: those aren't "health" issues qua health issues if you're a lazy shit.

I recommend telling the forum what those "health issues" are. Depression does not count and neither do psychological issues or etc. I can't imagine why anyone would ever use the word: "libido" unless they were lying their panties off because they cannot deal with reality. I didn't even know what the word was. I googled it and I cannot believe someone would use such a dumb word.

There is no such thing as Platonic love. If I were your boyfriend I would dump you: especially since you are making a "libido" of excuses. 4 years? Jesus. And it took that long to move in? You want help? Then specify this "health" issue. There are no "cry-abeties" here.

That ^^^ post makes no sesne what-so-ever. O.o

OP: Figure out how to get over your need for your husband to be celebate. You have health issues, you're not having sex with him so rather than cheat on you, he's supplementing in the only way he THINKS is not actually cheating. Doesn't make it right, but that's the jist of your situation how I see it anyway.

How long will your health issues prevent you from getting back your libido? Now is the time to work extra hard on your communication skills, being open and perhaps supplementing actual sex for less tiring ways to get your guy off.?????

You can expect monogamy from your partner but I think it's unfair of you to expect celibacy from him. JMNSHO

[bcgirl]

Isn't there some sort of female Viagra out there?

[AGuy101]

That ^^^ post makes no sesne what-so-ever. O.o

OP: Figure out how to get over your need for your husband to be celebate. You have health issues, you're not having sex with him so rather than cheat on you, he's supplementing in the only way he THINKS is not actually cheating. Doesn't make it right, but that's the jist of your situation how I see it anyway.

How long will your health issues prevent you from getting back your libido? Now is the time to work extra hard on your communication skills, being open and perhaps supplementing actual sex for less tiring ways to get your guy off.?????

You can expect monogamy from your partner but I think it's unfair of you to expect celibacy from him. JMNSHO

Spell "sense." And no cheating either. Libido is a "stolen-concept." It means absolutely nothing. If you knew anything about Freud you would know he's a fraud. I can say with 100% competence in my life and my love of it, that 100% of what Freud has done is 100% non-"sesne." He just recycles Plato's appetites. I did not know what the word "libido" meant because it's sui generis. Which means its nothing. Do you know what the oversoul is? It's something Emerson came up with which is a recycling of what Plato said in conjunction with Parmenides on "individuation."

This woman is making excuses. That is the essence of Freud: "we are all products of our environments." No shit. But it does not mean there is fate. Volition is axiomatic but no time to explain that. Simply, you are gonna act a certain way in a certain situation: Law of Identity qua Law of Causality.

Don't say it doesn't make sense. You don't even know what reason is. This isn't even a real relationship. Very few people experience happiness and even more very few (.0001% of the very few who experience true happiness) experience the emotion called "man-worship" which is the feeling you get when you finally grasp a concept as a child. Imagine that + love? Romantic love.

This woman is not a woman. This is platonic love which is love for love's sake which is a zero. I would dump her; actually I would never had dated that woman.

[searock]

Are you high? You must be.

[Time Stands Sti]

Hi...any thoughts gratefully received as I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I have been in a loving relationship (normal ups and downs) for nearly 4 years. We have recently moved in together. I have had some health issues in the last year or so....one of the effects of this has been fatigue and low libido and this has definitely affected our sex life and our ability to communicate. Last week I discovered my boyfriend has been phoning sex lines for some time. I know he uses porn and have no problem with this, but sex lines seems more like cheating. I feel hurt and worried about this for several reasons....firstly, i think he phoned because he needed something more personal and thrilling than porn and I'm worried that this will progress over time to needing a "real cheating experience". Secondly, I'm just totally floored by the fact that the deceit has been going on for some time.

He has not tried to defend his actions (despite saying he has been sexually frustrated), and he admits that he has been cruel and disrespectful to me. He has promised to change his behaviour, but I'm not sure I can move forward from this.

Really, I don't see why you can't have had sex with him if you knew he wanted it. At the bare minimum, you don't even have to do anything - you just have to lay in bed and let him do the more active part if that's how you want to do it. And then cuddle when it's over (you should at least like that part if you love him at all), and go about your day. Really, even if you don't have a strong drive for sexual activity, you should still have some drive to bond with your partner and make sure that he stays happy. Frankly, I don't know how you didn't see this coming.

You need to make a come-back. Just forgive him for the phone thing, and thank your lucky stars that he didn't just go out to a strip club or cheat or something. Start having an active and good sex life again, that's the only solution to this problem. You didn't say, but if you have gotten out of shape, just get back in shape. And this problem should be solved.

[doppelgaenger]

Spell "sense." And no cheating either. Libido is a "stolen-concept." It means absolutely nothing. If you knew anything about Freud you would know he's a fraud. I can say with 100% competence in my life and my love of it, that 100% of what Freud has done is 100% non-"sesne." He just recycles Plato's appetites. I did not know what the word "libido" meant because it's sui generis. Which means its nothing. Do you know what the oversoul is? It's something Emerson came up with which is a recycling of what Plato said in conjunction with Parmenides on "individuation."

This woman is making excuses. That is the essence of Freud: "we are all products of our environments." No shit. But it does not mean there is fate. Volition is axiomatic but no time to explain that. Simply, you are gonna act a certain way in a certain situation: Law of Identity qua Law of Causality.

Don't say it doesn't make sense. You don't even know what reason is. This isn't even a real relationship. Very few people experience happiness and even more very few (.0001% of the very few who experience true happiness) experience the emotion called "man-worship" which is the feeling you get when you finally grasp a concept as a child. Imagine that + love? Romantic love.

This woman is not a woman. This is platonic love which is love for love's sake which is a zero. I would dump her; actually I would never had dated that woman.

Oh, looks like someone took Psych 101.

[smackie9]

Isn't there some sort of female Viagra out there?

Yes there is...there is a testosterone cream that is applied to the vaginal area. It's normally prescribed to post menopausal women.

[AnnonymousMan]

He has not tried to defend his actions (despite saying he has been sexually frustrated), and he admits that he has been cruel and disrespectful to me. He has promised to change his behaviour, but I'm not sure I can move forward from this.

He admitted to being cruel and disrespectful? lmao sure he meant that. Considering he has been cruel and disrespectful for "some time". He fed you what you wanted to hear. He clearly see's nothing wrong with it and I bet it is an old habit he has done since you first met him. Maybe your libido isn't an issue, he just doesn't know how to turn you on. He might even have porn or sex obsession. But good luck.