Ex-BF getting married; should I respond?

[Applehead777]

I'm new and not sure if I should be posting in this forum but here goes...

First a little background. My ex-boyfriend I were together on and off or over 6 years. The last 6 months we were broken up but continued to have sex even
though he'd told me he was done with the relationship. I was still in love with him so I continued to hold out hope that things would work out. Anyway, he ended up getting a new GF during this time & didn't tell me. I found out on facebook DESPITE the fact that he'd tried to hide it by setting his privacy settings a
certain way just so he could keep it from me. So anyway, we stopped having sex and communicating completely.

Every now and again I'd see him because we share a Godchild and he still talked to my sister and a few other mutual friends. We'd exchange emails here and there over the past 3 years. (relationship ended in Summer 2009) The last time we talked was in September at the funeral of my grandfather. I'd invited him
because they had been close.

I don't hate him and I wish him but I'd be lying to you if I told you it didn't hurt to hear that he was marrying someone else after we'd dated for almost 7 years.
BUT that's another story. Here's my question:

He reached out via email to tell me of his engagement. My question is whether or not I should respond. I don't know why he did it and the whole
thing is puzzling.

He said in the email that he's telling me because he knew I had been upset in the past about finding out about his then girlfriend on Facebook. He told me I was the first to know about the engagement & I know from a mutual friend that they didn't announce it on Facebook until 2 days later.

I talked to a couple of guy friends and they all have different perspectives. The only female perspective I got was from our mutual friend who told me not to
reply. She said he was looking for my approval and that I shouldn't give it to him.

1 guy friend says yes as it looks like I'm bitter not to but 3 of them say no I shouldn't reply. Basically their argument is that he's either looking to make me
jealous, seeking validation or is scared. That no man who is secure in his decision is going to be reaching out to an ex-girlfriend during what should be the
happiest time in his life.


So, my questions are a) should I reply & b) why would anyone reach out to someone to inform them of an engagement?

My other concern is that if I don't reply he might feel the need to send me birth announcements and little notes about every milestone in his life. (Knowing
him he probably would too) **sorry this post is kinda long winded**

[searock]

The real question is why you still have this guy's email address and why is it not blocked. You should have erased him from your life the moment you realized he had been using you for sex for 6 months, while getting involved with another woman during the process (although he had all the rights to, you should have known better than to sleep with him after you broke up. Hope you learned a lesson there). Don't respond, delete all of his messages, block his email address and phone number, remove him from your facebook friends, etc... Move on.

[haxan]

Let it go. Who cares what he's doing. You should be more concerned with what you have going on, not what he's up to.

[Wakeup]

He reached out via email to tell me of his engagement. My question is whether or not I should respond. I don't know why he did it and the whole
thing is puzzling.

My guess is that he told you because you're acting like you're still his friend. You guys broke up, he specifically told you that the relationship would not continue but you chose to still continue to have sex with him. That solidified, in his mind that you were quite content to be a friend with benefits. He told you first about the engagment simply out of some kind of respect he feels he owes you due to your history. At least thats what I think he was thinking.

You really should do the work to get this man out of your head, heart and inner circle. He has you stagnated romantically in all ways. Why do you cling to him when he's obviously moved on from you? Don't do this to Yourself any longer. Pretend he's dead if you have to. If you absolutely are compelled to respond to his email. Do the mature thing which in turn will give you the closure you need to get over this.. that is to congratulate him on his upcoming marriage and to wish him well (actually mean it)... Doing that is the stage of acceptance. Then, from there on in, simply do not respond to anything from him. He's 'dead' remember!.

I'll add that learn the lesson from this (re: not having sex with exes who can quite easily demoted you to sex buddy) Exes are exes for a reason. You kept this off and on drama going with him for 6 years. After the second "off" you should have made him be gone forever... it means you're not compatible enough to be in a relationship of any substance.

[IndiReloaded]

I'd be lying to you if I told you it didn't hurt to hear that he was marrying someone else after we'd dated for almost 7 years.

This is the only thing that matters^. You are hurt he is marrying another. You still care, but he has moved on. Do what you must to secure your own happiness. Don't respond. Don't reopen old wounds, you will only end up shredding yourself.

Only a life-partner should feel responsible for protecting your feelings (even then, no guarantees). He's not yours, so you have to protect yourself. He's found love with someone else, so let him go.

[Maple1714]

You should only reply to his email if you can honestly be happy for him and congratulate him. If you can't, then don't respond. You don't need to care about his feelings, only your own. Take his email as final closure that it's over. Never speak to him again. Let him go off and live his life and you should do the same.

I think his email to you is condescending. I think him continuing to have sex with you after you were broken up and while he was dating others is really condescending....but you did allow this to happen. Don't get yourself in this type of situation again, and I am sure you wont.

[IndiReloaded]

I think his email to you is condescending. I think him continuing to have sex with you after you were broken up and while he was dating others is really selfish.

Fixed your post, Maple! I agree, it does seem condescending. And having sex with a 'friend' you know has feelings for you, but you don't return, is just cruel. There are plenty of people to use for sex that won't be hurt by it.

There is a lesson in here about allowing yourself to get to close to someone who doesn't return (or at least respect) your feelings, OP. Hard as it is, try to let go. It should actually be easier now you see what an ass he was/is.

[Maple1714]

And having sex with a 'friend' you know has feelings for you, but you don't return, is just cruel.

This is exactly right! It is very cruel and selfish. People...I tell ya...gotta look out for yourself.

[VincenzoG91]

I think that he is hoping to have sex with you a few more times before he is officially married, because of that six months of FWB after you two broke up. Don't reply to his email, delete his contact info, and move on with your life.

[Maple1714]

I think that he is hoping to have sex with you a few more times before he is officially married, because of that six months of FWB after you two broke up. Don't reply to his email, delete his contact info, and move on with your life.

Yes, the fact that he even felt the need to email you was selfish in itself....I say do not reply ever. Let him be the one guessing.

[Wakeup]

This is exactly right! It is very cruel and selfish. People...I tell ya...gotta look out for yourself.

When they tell you they won't be giving you what you want, then yes you have to look out for your own emotional health.

[basilandthyme]

If you're happy for him, then congratulate him. If you're not happy for him then ignore the email.

But most of all, his feelings in this are of no consequence to you. Don't waste your time analysing why he's told you about it.

[IndiReloaded]

I think that he is hoping to have sex with you a few more times before he is officially married, because of that six months of FWB after you two broke up. Don't reply to his email, delete his contact info, and move on with your life.

I think we agree this makes him even more of a dick, yes? Dunno about anyone else, but I consider this cheating on his future wife.

Hey, Applehead, maybe you should meet up with him and see if he comes on to you. Bring a recorder. If he does, kick him to the curb last moment and send a copy to his future wife. Don't let on you are recording it tho, he could lose it on you.

[Wakeup]

So lets recap:

> Don't contact him again.
> If you must contact him then wish him well to get closure and then never contact him again.
> Ignore him! screwing you when he knows you love him but he doesn't love you is cruel.
> Set him up for failure and then mail the evidence to his new main squeeze.

There's^^^ some choices for you to gnaw on, Op.

If you are sick of the drama this man causes you, then you'll pick this next option:

Forget he exists, block and delete him and help yourself to get to the stage of indifference to him, who and what he's doing.

[Applehead777]

Don't wish him ill but def don't feel the need to congratulate him.

I've changed my email altogether so he won't be able to send me future messages and blocked him from sending me Facebook messages. We aren't FB friends but didn't wanna
take the chance that he'd reach out to me that way.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond.