Crushed friendship

[relnoob]

Hey Guys,

Hope you guys are doing great. I had this recent experience about my crush and wanted to seek some advice to get over it. Here's the scoop, the girl I had a crush on is my brother-in-law's wife's sister. It all started when we met at a couple of parties and I noticed her staring at me and smiling. Since she is in the family, we started talking as friends. I was helping her out with some college work as well. I really had/have a crush on her that's all, nothing more. So about a couple of months later I could not hold it back any more and went and told her I had a crush on her. All hell broke loose. She went and complained to my brother-in-law about this and has cut off all communication with me. I have discussed this with my wife and my friends and they all advise me that she's not worth the friendship. Thank God I have a wife who understands. I understand all this could have escalated and have been much worse so I am thankful it hasn't.

What bothers me is that I helped her a lot with her work, put my appointments aside for her, really cared for her and wanted to add value to her life,etc. maybe because I had a crush on her but I guess it was mostly because I really cared. How can people cut off relations this easy? What do you guys think was the real reason she cut it off? She was the one who started it with the looks she used to give me all the time and I just followed along/took the bait. Before I go on a guilt trip for spilling my guts, was I wrong in telling her my feelings? Should I expect her to get back as friends?

I am happily married so that's not an issue at all, it's just I think I lost a good friend for expressing my feelings and being truthful.


Sorry for the rant. Any help appreciated.

Thanks.

[basilandthyme]

Honesty is not always the best policy. Thing is, there are some feelings which shouldn't be expressed. Having a crush when you're married to someone else is one of those things.

If you ever find yourself in this situation again, back off until the crush subsides.

And no, you probably won't get her back as a friend - she'll be too wary of you.

[IndiReloaded]

I am happily married so that's not an issue at all, it's just I think I lost a good friend for expressing my feelings and being truthful.


Sorry for the rant. Any help appreciated.

Thanks.

Really? You are happily married so your crush on another woman is not an issue?

What were your *motives* for telling her your feelings? What would you have done if she returned your feelings? Damn slippery slope. You should be thanking her for kicking you to the curb. It probably saved your marriage.

Read, and learn:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5059_qa.html

[Cerby]

What bothers me is that I helped her a lot with her work, put my appointments aside for her, really cared for her and wanted to add value to her life,etc. maybe because I had a crush on her but I guess it was mostly because I really cared. How can people cut off relations this easy? What do you guys think was the real reason she cut it off? She was the one who started it with the looks she used to give me all the time and I just followed along/took the bait. Before I go on a guilt trip for spilling my guts, was I wrong in telling her my feelings? Should I expect her to get back as friends?

The answer to this question is actually pretty simple. All the things you did were under the guise of friendship. Once you confessed your feelings for her, all the nice things all of a sudden became creepy attempts to get closer to her.

[relnoob]

Well she knew I am married so why the flirtatious behavior?

[basilandthyme]

She was probably thinking it was just harmless flirting. She felt safe because she knows you are married and didn't expect you to try and take it further.

[heavenlylove]

Hi relnoob, there is a basic requirment when you communicate somthing to someone- "is that person thought process is running in the same direction as of yours" if it goes true than your communication will be well received else it will either go in vain or will cause disaster. Better keep your feelings to yourself unless you are 100% sure of other person's feeling :-)

[steviej]

Reading that i assumed you were single, until you just casually mentioned 'my wife was fine with it'

WTF!?
How can something so glaringly obvious manage to escape you? You wanted an affair with this girl but still manage to keep your blinkers on even now.
You've dodged a bullet and i'm amazed you got off so lightly. Wobble your head, forget this girl and put some attention back on your wife who you were very lucky didn't turn this into a big deal.

How would you feel if it was some young guy your wife was helping out then made a move on him but got knocked back, think you'd be sympathetic and forgiving?

[relnoob]

@steviej,
I understand your point but my wife and I have a very different relationship. Both of us know our limits and trust each other. I know it is hard for many of our friends to believe this as well but we are also best friends. No secrets between us. We understand that a spouse cannot provide all the needs (mental,emotional,platonic) all the time. As long as it is not physical.

If your spouse comes home happy just because he/she has talked to his/her friend and you know about it what's the harm?

I know you guys are going to jump on me but I am sure most of us have crushes outside of our marriages.

Ok I know this is out of the comfort zone for most people but cmon I didn't say I loved her nor was I getting into an affair. I meant it as a compliment. I know this is wishful thinking but maybe she isn't mature enough to understand?


@basilandthyme,
What does taking it further mean? I wanted it to be a crush that's all. So it's ok to flirt around with a married guy? Looks like I am the bad guy here. Geez no wonder there is so much unnecessary violence in the world today as apparently giving a compliment creates hatred. I believe she is equally at fault (not going into self-denial just trying to make sense out of this whole thing). Incidentally I also came to know from another common friend that she is a typical use and throw type of a person so maybe that explains it? I just find it difficult to understand this; if she was the one who started it all how can she cut it off that easy just because the other person reciprocated?

@Cerby,

If it was that cut and dry why would we have a forum like this with tons of questions/problems?

Thanks a lot for your advice.

[Cerby]

@Cerby,

If it was that cut and dry why would we have a forum like this with tons of questions/problems?

Your situation isn't cut and dry, but this aspect is. The reason why people come to ask is because much of the time emotions restrict the view of what should be so very clear. In the case of why she has disregarded all the "nice" things you have done is because your motivation was suspect. Even though the rest of the situation (especially the part with your wife) is complicated, this question does has a simple answer.

[Wakeup]

What bothers me is that I helped her a lot with her work, put my appointments aside for her, really cared for her and wanted to add value to her life,

yes and you did it with your own self in mind. Doing things for her kept you in close contact with her and it fed your limerence. This is the same thing that self-proclaimed "nice guys" crab about. "I did so much for her and she turned me down for a jerk" Next time only do things for people when you are not being motivated for personal gain... then you won't be "bothered" at all.

*

if she was the one who started it all how can she cut it off that easy

Someone smiling at you and being friendly (because you are family-once-removed) is not "starting" anything. Perhaps if you checked your ego none of this would have happened. She's "cut it off" likely because your "feelings" for her are inappropriate in normal societal/chruch dictated standards. If you and your wife are jiggy with polyamory and capable of loving more than one at a time, that's fine, but you have to be sure the one you're crushing on (as you call it) is of the same romantic beliefs, otherwise you'll just keep coming across as being inappropriate and disrespectful to your wife.

[smackie9]

Hey Guys,

Hope you guys are doing great. I had this recent experience about my crush and wanted to seek some advice to get over it. Here's the scoop, the girl I had a crush on is my brother-in-law's wife's sister. It all started when we met at a couple of parties and I noticed her staring at me and smiling. Since she is in the family, we started talking as friends. I was helping her out with some college work as well. I really had/have a crush on her that's all, nothing more. So about a couple of months later I could not hold it back any more and went and told her I had a crush on her. All hell broke loose. She went and complained to my brother-in-law about this and has cut off all communication with me. I have discussed this with my wife and my friends and they all advise me that she's not worth the friendship. Thank God I have a wife who understands. I understand all this could have escalated and have been much worse so I am thankful it hasn't.

What bothers me is that I helped her a lot with her work, put my appointments aside for her, really cared for her and wanted to add value to her life,etc. maybe because I had a crush on her but I guess it was mostly because I really cared. How can people cut off relations this easy? What do you guys think was the real reason she cut it off? She was the one who started it with the looks she used to give me all the time and I just followed along/took the bait. Before I go on a guilt trip for spilling my guts, was I wrong in telling her my feelings? Should I expect her to get back as friends?

I am happily married so that's not an issue at all, it's just I think I lost a good friend for expressing my feelings and being truthful.


Sorry for the rant. Any help appreciated.

Thanks.

If you were so happily married you wouldn't need this emotional affair with this other woman. A crush is sexually charged emotion. You wife is blind to the fact that her own husband calls it friendship when truly it hasn't been on your end. I don't blame her for complaining, and cutting you off. She will be staying away from you forever, so don't bother going over this any further....wasted effort.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I have not read any other responses but you are a complete dumbass. Kill yourself.