60 day he-tox

[fearoflove]

Oh...man. That makes sense now. Older single guys are single because they want to be bachelors for life.

[Hotaru]

Oh...man. That makes sense now. Older single guys are single because they want to be bachelors for life.

But see, haxan was commenting on the physical, emotional, and mental attractiveness of the newly single person, not someone who is habitually single or why this pattern may exist.

Hmm, in numbers yes, but I'm talking about the attractiveness of the person who is newly single. Emotionally and professionally, as well as physically. Of course there's no stats to really bear this out, but I work in a male dominated field and am out in the public eye. I know very few men that are 40+ and have a lot going on (very physically attractive, solid careers, their shit together) that are single. They almost always are married or taken in an LTR.

This doesn't make sense.

We just said that dumpy guys don't usually get attention in their 20's and 30's. So this means this hot woman didn't marry a dumpy guy, she married a hot guy on her level. So when this hot guy and hot woman split, that is two, not one, two attractive people were back on the market. Numerically, it makes sense. It does not make sense to say the dumpy guy didn't get attention in his 20's but somehow married the hottie in his 20's and then got a divorce, thereby accounting for this drastic gap in availability of attractive partners. Looking at it from the opposite angle highlights how little sense it makes - if the dumpy guys are the ones marrying the hotties, that, in fact, means the dumpy guys got most of the action, not the hot ones.



The difference lies in what they do once they're newly single, not the attractiveness of the divorcees. I still believe I have a valid point - the reason you may see any difference at all, and I say "may" because I'm not in my 40's/50's so I wouldn't know if this pattern holds true or not , but the difference, I'll bet ya, lies in what we are taught. Women are "supposed" to be married, we're groomed for it. Like I said before, it used to be that if you were in your mid 20's, your life was pointless if you weren't married. A man who isn't married can be seen as a player, a man who lives for himself, doesn't answer to anyone, blah blah blah. This is definitely not what people say when an older woman isn't taken, they practically pity her. She could be a successul professional but you'd still focus in on her apparent lack of a love life - which may not be "lacking" at all, she might be dating around or perfectly happy on her own.

This may change slowly over time as women head back into the workforce. And yes, back into the workforce. Women used to account for over half of the food brought into a household, before the invention of the plow. Women were the gatherers and pulled more than their fair share. This mentality that women should be married and in the kitchen is actually new so we're heading back to the old. As we do, maybe this balance will shift some and women will no longer identify themselves by their relationship status.

[Call Me Maybe]

vashti, are you seeing a therapist for help? Plenty of advice has been dispensed in this thread but you are still living day to day without any resolve. Maybe it's time to see a professional instead of talking to a bunch of strangers online

[fearoflove]

vashti, are you seeing a therapist for help? Plenty of advice has been dispensed in this thread but you are still living day to day without any resolve. Maybe it's time to see a professional instead of talking to a bunch of strangers online

There is nothing abnormal about Vashi. She is just going through a breakup. Normal people don't get over a breakup that soon.

[Call Me Maybe]

There is nothing abnormal about Vashi. She is just going through a breakup. Normal people don't get over a breakup that soon.

what makes you think there has to be something "abnormal" for a person to see a therapist?

[fearoflove]

what makes you think there has to be something "abnormal" for a person to see a therapist?

It just seem kind of ridiculous to be going to the therapist for a normal breakup. IF she still feel a strong attachment after a LONG time (e.g a few years), then she probably need a therapist. Most people need some time to get over a breakup. I think it is too early for a therapist.

[Call Me Maybe]

It just seem kind of ridiculous to be going to the therapist for a normal breakup. IF she still feel a strong attachment after a LONG time (e.g a few years), then she probably need a therapist. Most people need some time to get over a breakup. I think it is too early for a therapist.

everyone bounces back from a breakup differently. I think it's ridiculous to think that a person needs to wait several years before seeking professional help. Also, in Vashti's case she hasn't demonstrated any resolve to find her own identity. Her posts come across like "what should I do?" or "I guess I dunno.."

[vashti]

LOL! It's only been 10 days!


I don't need a therapist to tell me how to get over this; I am fairly introspective, and I know that it will just take time, and I have certainly dealt with far greater tragedies than this. (Although Ivan would be flattered to think he ranks right up there with my daughter's brain surgery! LOL)

Also, I don't remember asking anyone WHAT I should do (though I think I did ask HOW to do something). This thread is really more for thinking things through.

[Hotaru]

I agree with fearoflove, running off to therapy for every little thing isn't necessary. I don't get the feeling vash doesn't have a grasp on her own identity either. Asking, "What should I do?" doesn't mean you lack an identity, it's a normal question. If she feels it would help, I wouldn't criticize her one bit but so far, this is a pretty standard breakup. It hurts and severing the connections you formed is difficult. It's scary and you go through so many conflicting emotions that it doesn't happen overnight.

Not only that but everyone questions who they are and what they're doing at different points in their lives. You don't see a therapist after you reach every such juncture.

[haxan]

We just said that dumpy guys don't usually get attention in their 20's and 30's. So this means this hot woman didn't marry a dumpy guy, she married a hot guy on her level. So when this hot guy and hot woman split, that is two, not one, two attractive people were back on the market.

You're kind of missing the point. Vashti and Indi expanded on what I was saying very well. Women seem to undergo a renaissance of sorts when they're 35-50 imo. I think it continues into their mid-late 50's. Physically and emotionally I think they improve upon where they've been. Men, well, not so much.

Here's a sort of graph:

Hot guy, hot girl in their mid 20's get married. They take care of themselves physically, grow together, never lose interest or attraction. How it should be, but rare. Those guys are never ever single.

More normal in my observations and experiences:

Hot 25 yr old guy = Not so hot anymore 45 yr old guy. Out of shape, overweight, bald, prefers playing fantasy football to playing with his wife.
Hot 25 yr old girl = Extremely attractive 45 yr old woman who lost total interest in previously mentioned guy.

Average 25 yr old guy = Dumpy 45 yr old guy, enough said.
Average 25 yr old girl = Made herself into a cute 45 yr old woman. Works out hard, maybe a nip and tuck (as Vash said), does her best with her features and has a great personality.

So what seems to be left are cute or very attractive 40-50 yr old women who are left with not so hot or dumpy guys to choose from. I've seen it in spades enough to know it's reality to some degree.

To sum it up, I think women make more of themselves at that stage in life than men by far. There are gems out there, but they are extremely rare and you have to dig deep and be patient to find one. For the guys, even the average and dumpy ones, there's a bevy of great chicks to choose from because some women just don't want to be alone.

It's not something you'd be able to notice if you're a 20 something, Hotaru. You have to be in it, a part of the peer group.

[Hotaru]

I can still notice it if I'm around people in that age group, it's not like I'm quarantined. x.x

I've actually seen a lot of the opposite, then again I'm around a lot of professional businessmen and women so maybe that makes a difference. A lot of these guys really took care of themselves. They're the suit-wearing, slicked back hair, nice tan, great smile type. So I dunno, they're not bad looking... >.>

[Call Me Maybe]

I'm with Hotaru on this one. I've seen way more out of shape middle-aged women than men. When you factor in that women can do things to enhance their appearance like dying their hair, makeup, tweezing, clothes that 'lift' and 'squeeze,' breast implants, etc. as compared to men who generally don't care as much, it's makes you wonder how much worse the women would look without all that. Single men in that age range also seem to be more financially successful and well-off compared to single women whose career often takes a back seat to having children

[IndiReloaded]

I've actually seen a lot of the opposite, then again I'm around a lot of professional businessmen and women so maybe that makes a difference. A lot of these guys really took care of themselves. They're the suit-wearing, slicked back hair, nice tan, great smile type. So I dunno, they're not bad looking... >.>

You are assuming that these guys are emotionally developed. Many women dump even these not-bad-looking 'tanned suits' b/c they have other issues.

[Call Me Maybe]

You are assuming that these guys are emotionally developed. Many women dump even these not-bad-looking 'tanned suits' b/c they have other issues.

doesn't this apply to both genders? One could argue that many of these attractive and successful women have underlying issues which renders your point moot

[love&otherdrugs]

First off, let me just say I love the "he-tox" term! I'm going on two weeks of not speaking with! I should technically be at 3, but he texted me to tell me "Hey, I had to get back on FB for some Denver networking. I'm sorry for our call on Thursday, I wish it were easier. That's all. Sorry to bother." Ugh! I ended up responding, "Ok, please don't feel the need to update me on things like this."

So, week two. Blah! How do you keep yourself from "checking up" on him via social media websites and what not?