I’m getting a bit sick of being mistreated. Not sure what I should do?

[AJGM]

Am I being unfair/unreasonable? I’ve been together with my partner for over 7 years now, lived together for over 6 and have recently just bought our second renovation property (sold the first). The house alone shows tells me he's committed to our relationship; it’s going to take 18months and is some serious hard work. We'll do it ourselves - just like the first one. We love doing it (although its really is his hobby more than it is mine) and everything is 50/50. Financially and effort.

However, the recent things that have annoyed me;

• Friends 40th birthday party – I had to go on my own. My partner shows no interest in going out with my friends. Never has. I always attend my friends weddings/parties/events on my own because he doesn’t want to go. I always attend his friends events without question.
• Gifts – it’s taken until this year (for xmas) for him to buy me a piece of jewellery. I had to choose it myself. He bought me a bracelet. It wasn’t a romantic affair. It was an ‘in and out’ job. He then told me, after buying it, that jewellery is a waste of money and pointless. So he obviously doesn’t think it’s very significant and tbh, I’m tempted to return it because it doesn’t mean anything to me now.
• I’m left to buy xmas presents every year for his and my family. I was really happy that he decided off his own back to take me to Bath xmas markets this year to stay overnight and get all our xmas shopping done (we only live an hour away but still, it was a nice gesture).In the end, I was frog marched round the market at speed, 4metres away from the stalls and straight into the pub. He had no interest in casually browsing or shopping for presents and basically gave me 3 hours the next morning to get everything for everyone and moaned the whole way round about needing to leave early to avoid the traffic. He didn’t even plan ahead and book somewhere to eat or research where the decent food places were (we haven’t eaten out in bath before so had no idea).
• We moved out of our old house this week. He told me ‘do you realise I’m doing this (moving all the boxes) for you?’ He reckons EVERYTHING is mine. …the plates, cutlery, kitchen table, duvet, tv, curtains, linen, food, couches, chairs, mirrors you name it…it was mine. All he needed was a plate, a bowl and the clothes on his back. Deadly serious. The rest of the stuff in the house in his eyes is mine. So the three weeks it took us to pack (me to pack) was all for me.
• He forgot our anniversary (8th December). Admittedly we have been very busy. He still forgot.

This all says to me he is incredibly selfish and I wonder just what the heck I’m doing with someone who has no interest in me or in making me happy.

Throw the whole lack of marriage thing in too…..we’ve discussed it, the conclusion has always been not now but one day. He reckons he’d do it tomorrow if it meant just him & I in the local registry office but he knows damn well I’d never settle for that. To be fair, this has been fine with me for the first 5 or so years but this last year its really starting to grate. To the point where I even circled a ring in a magazine and gave it him. He laughed it off, scrubbed off the jewellers name, wrote Elizabeth Duke and wrote £7.99 as the price and gave it me back.
Now is the perfect time….we are financially well, at a great point in both our careers and nothing particularly major going on (ok, the house renovation is but we’ve done this for the last 5, plan to be doing this for another 2 houses yet so we can have a relatively small mortgage, we will ALWAYS be doing houses up! Its quite the norm.)

But still no ring. Every one of his very select group of four mates all now married, 2 expecting children.
I am jealous of the way the other couples behave with each other; I always see romantic gestures between them and they will be romantic publically too. They go away together all the time and do stuff together as a couple, make decisions as a couple and the blokes, although they laugh about it in their laddish ways, will do anything for their other halves. It’s not like he’s being immature (he’s 33) and playing up in front of them….he just doesn’t conform to the way HIS best friends behave at all.

I had a dream a week ago he left me. I was heart broken. I woke up absolutely heartbroken and felt awful all day. In waking life, leaving him is just not something I would entertain but the whole relationship just isn’t making any sense to me at the moment because I don’t know what I’m getting out of it. Not sure what I should do?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I had a dream a week ago he left me. I was heart broken. I woke up absolutely heartbroken and felt awful all day. In waking life, leaving him is just not something I would entertain but the whole relationship just isn’t making any sense to me at the moment because I don’t know what I’m getting out of it. Not sure what I should do?

If leaving him is not something you would entertain, then quit bitching and enjoy it. It's been this way for 5 years, and he's not going to change. Not even if you leave him and he swears he will for weeks and weeks.

[basilandthyme]

AJGM, I don't think he's necessarily selfish - he just sees life differently to you. You want romance and care about gifts and such - and he's the opposite. It's not wrong, just different.

Have you looked at the theory of the 5 languages of love? People see love and thoughtfulness in different ways.

*acts of service
*words of affirmation
*gifts
*quality time
*physical touch

Is it possible that he shows his love in other ways?

All that being said, if you can't accept how he is, then end things and find someone more suited to you. It's not wrong to seek someone who meets your needs.

Oh, and if you resent buying gifts for his family or going to his events, then don't do it. Don't martyr yourself for something he doesn't care about anyway!

[Fruitsss]

If u spread it all open in living together, how do u think a men will even take u serious to get married with
u soon. They will shore think that there is no need or hurry.

U r not married but u invest so much work and projects togheter?

He dont take your wish and needs serieus.
He laugh about it.
Kind of humiliating u.

I start thinking that you 2 have not a real relationship but think that it is.
Cause of the really good work together with the houses.

Want to marry and have kids cause friends or parents told u or are doing is stupid.
Cause they did it in their time cause they where ready and found the person they wanted to
be with. And hopefully their match.

So maybe u need to find out first if you and this dude are a good match and if the relationship is
wort it to make it a marriage.
Cause 7 years but i only see in your complains things he do to put u down some way as a woman and
he doesnt take u serious. and both of u dont know or communicate at a adult serious or good level.

And marriage will not solve those issues. It will make it worst if u cant solve or even talk about them in a right way
out of marriage. And with kids even worse. Cause u will have to deal with more issues.

[Maple1714]

He doesn't sound like a good match for you. You should move on. He will never change, only you have control over your own happiness and life and if this man isn't making you happy then find one who will. There are plenty of men out there who will put in more effort.

[Wakeup]

If you don't want to leave him then I suggest you reflect on what made you move in with him in the first place. It seems you've lost touch with what convinced you that you needed this man in your life.

[Boisdevie]

1. Tell him what YOU want out of the relationship.
2. Wait a bit and see if you start to get what YOU want.
3. If YOU get what YOU want then super duper
4. If YOU don't get what you want end the relationship.

It really is that simple. I'm surprised, as an adult, that you can't work this out for yourself.

[Fruitsss]

Maybe he is with you more for the fact u 2 can renovate houses very well together.
But not that he really is interested in a relationship or invest into that, kind of use u??!

I dont know.............. just wondering if that may be .