How To Love and Not Obsess - A Long Distance Relationship

[SoraSouji]

Hi guys, I'm writing on these forums because I really wanna change my attitude in my relationship.

See, I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with my girlfriend. We met each other more than a year ago during a cosplay event, and after talking a bit for almost a year as well on Facebook as good friends, slowly we became closer, until during the three times I got to see her between April and June, I slowly got closer to her, to the point where eventually we got in a relationship and officially became a couple on June 28.

Now before her I had an LDR Girlfriend as well, and there was one thing about it I did not want in my new relationship - my obsession. In the past, being new to relationships, I always wanted to check on any online account of my girlfriend, be it Facebook, Twitter or such, always visiting them to see whatever they did, and watching for if they are potentially cheating on me. Naturally, at some point this got me in trouble and my girlfriend got mad, so I stepped back a bit - but I stepped back too much that instead I was almost ignoring her, so knowing I wasn't being a boyfriend that way, I returned to my obsessive ways. At some point this led to our break up, and this is something I did not want in my new relationship.

However, it seems the problem did come back, and has gotten worse, in my current relationship. My current girlfriend is a cosplayer, first of all, so she gets a lot of attention from people, being popular and all. Not only that, she even has her own fanpage on Facebook, has cosplay photoshoots every so often, and is quite popular among people in her place, especially guys - in fact, one of her classmates right now is obsessed with her, even having tried to ask her to be his girlfriend despite being fully aware that she's currently in one with me. Long story short, though she looks just averagely cute and beautiful, she is definitely popular, charismatic, outgoing and very desirable due to her all of these.

Despite all these though, she picked me as her partner, stating that she doesn't care about looks when it comes to finding her boyfriend - and despite having had two ex's in the past, both of whom cheated on her, I was the one she lost her virginity to, the only guy she trusted enough to make love with for the first time.

This, however, has led me to develop an obsession for her. I cannot seem to stop checking Facebook everytime I go online just to periodically see if she's online, and when she does, I observe Facebook news feeds and the ticker to see her activity - I am quick to like her statuses, shared updates and such, and usually comment on them a lot too. Not only that, I periodically check her DeviantArt forums account as well and usually check her activity.

However, this level of obsession is getting me in trouble. I know it's normal for people to have crushes even within a relationship, but even though she doesn't openly show it to him, (with this particular crush of hers being a part of our cosplay group and definitely more good looking than me) whenever I see on my feed that she commented on any of his posts or liked any of his photos, instead of shrugging it off as normal for a girl who has a normal crush (she doesn't overstep her boundaries like actively flirting with the guy, just normal talk) I immediately think she's too attracted to him and one time I even asked her to reassure me that she wouldn't fall for any of her crushes.

I am asking for help because at this point, I don't know the boundary between love and obsession. Because the way I see it right now, I can stop my obsession by deliberately NOT checking if she's online, and not talking to her too much, but then that would be like distancing myself from her, making me something less than a boyfriend. This is why I fail everytime I resolve to "change" and be more mature and less obsessed - everytime I try, not knowing if what I am doing is right in the long run or will cause her to think I don't care for her that much, I go back to my old ways.

So please, I need some advice - I need help. I want to STOP OBSESSING OVER HER, like how I constantly check my notifications and single out every single one of her FB Updates, but at the same time, I WANT TO STAY IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH HER. I want things to work out. Some people might recommend ending the relationship, but that would be giving up. I want to find a way to fix myself.

So in summary, how do I become a loving boyfriend to her instead of an obsessed one, given the circumstances of our relationship?

Thanks and looking forward to everyone's advice.

[basilandthyme]

SoraSouji, LDRs are good for nothing except creating angst and leaving needs unfulfilled. Her having a crush on someone else and you obsessing over it is pretty much to be expected.

Unless the two of you are likely to be near each other soon, I'd leave her to her crush and find a local girl.

[SoraSouji]

If only it were that easy - unfortunately, it isn't. Whenever I show any signs of seeming to be tired of being in an LDR, she immediately shows that she doesn't wanna lose our relationship and cries, thinking I would be another guy who would leave her, since her past two BF's broke up with her after cheating on her. Not to mention the fact that she chose to lose her virginity to me and make me her boyfriend, out of all the guys who like her.

P.S. We do see each other almost once or twice a month, so it's not the kind of LDR where physical interaction is lacking. Not to mention everytime we do, we make love, about twice or thrice.

[basilandthyme]

Sora, if this LDR was fulfilling all her needs, she wouldn't be crushing on this other guy. You're deluding yourself if you think it's working.

I know she doesn't want to let you go...but she's also hanging onto this crush, isn't she. I bet she cries if he wants to back off too.

[SoraSouji]

Well, actually not really. She actually told me a few days ago that her crush on the guy was gone - and wait. Isn't physical attraction natural in any relationship? I mean, I have crushes too, can't help it even if I have a girlfriend. But that's not my focus here. It's my obsession I want to control.

[CoolStoryBro]

Sounds like a bro needs a playstation 3 and a decent golf game.

[VincenzoG91]

A couple of questions for SoraSouji:

1. Which one of you will be moving?

2. When will the move be taking place?

3. Why can't you date locally?

4. Have you ever considered seeing a therapist?

[SoraSouji]

1. Which one of you will be moving?

What exactly do you mean by moving?

2. When will the move be taking place?

Refer to answer # 1.

3. Why can't you date locally?

She lives 2 hours away from me, and is under her mom's watchful care. Since she's an only girl, her mother is quite overprotective of her, hence, visits to my place would get her the scolding of a lifetime.

4. Have you ever considered seeing a therapist?

I haven't, but that's why I'm here right now to see if anybody's got advice in the meantime, as I can't spare any time and money for such sessions just yet.

[basilandthyme]

Vincenzo's comments about 'moving' refer to when you'll be living near each other. Or to rephrase, what changes are planned so that you can be near each other?

[SoraSouji]

Well, I'm actually graduating this coming March from college, and thought both of us are in college already, she still has about 2 to 3 more years to go - as such, my plan is to find work in her area and live there instead if I can.

[Woods]

This is one of the many problems with LDR's. The distance is a breeding ground for insecurity. If you already have issues with mistrust etc then an LDR is really not for you. Honestly, you're better off out of it. But I know you're determined to try anyway so what I'd advise is this: Write a list of all the positive things in the relationship, all the reasons you believe she wouldn't cheat and wants to be with you. When you get the urge to check up on her or start obsessing over her comments to this other guy read it. Remove yourself from the computer and go read it again. Keep reading it until the negative thoughts are replaced with the positive ones. If you start believing these things you'll find it easier to avoid the checking behaviours. Good luck. .

[SoraSouji]

Thank you very much for that suggestion, Woods I just finished making a small list and so far things are working out fine, I'm seeing some progress.