Ex-mas

[bebaba]

I've been with my boyfriend on and off for about a year now, he has children from a previous marriage and after planning to spend Christmas with me, my father and sister, he changed his mind yesterday, suddenly saying he really wanted to visit his children on Christmas Day instead (2.5h drive). I constantly empathize with the fact that he wants to see them and actively encourage it, but I also cannot help feeling let down by the last minute change of plan.

A row ensued, as I was accused of not trusting him, and not respecting him. I just wish he had not made plans with me, to let me down. He will return in the evening but I am (probably not justifiably, but naturally concerned nonetheless) that Christmas Day with his ex wife and lovely children will make him want to return to his previous life. He hasn't returned to her but has said he thought about it for the kids sake when we split up briefly earlier in the year. He tells me he loves me and we rarely argue but he loves his kids more than anything.

Am I being silly? Selfish?

Thank you in advance for responses.

[basilandthyme]

Bebaba, I was looking for a bigger picture to go with this story. Mainly because I find it odd that you've had an 'on and off' relationship, yet you say that you rarely argue.

In your last post, you talk about him having a thing for another woman. Given this behaviour and his chequered past, it's not surprising that you don't trust him. Therefore, he's probably reading you right when he says that you don't trust him - but what he doesn't get is that you've got every reason to not trust him.

A couple of questions: were you invited to come to the Xmas lunch with him? What's the full story to you being 'on and off'?

Ordinarily, I'd talk about how a person's kids come first. But I'll also say that it's incredibly rude to say that he won't be at Christmas with just two days notice. And given the on and off background of your relationship.....I'm not at all sure that he's a good choice for you.

[bebaba]

Thank you for the reply and Merry Christmas.

We were on and off over the summer firstly because of his silly little affair which he regrets a lot - I have genuinely forgiven this and we have moved on. Now we rarely argue surprisingly.

It seems that I got the wrong end of the stick and that he is only popping over there for a few hours, not having dinner there, though he will still be late for Christmas dinner at my fathers where I live.

It will only be him, ex and kids today- was not appropriate for me to be invited. I understand that I shall never come before children but perhaps I can't handle that fact as well as I had thought ..

[haxan]

Get used to it. I know 60 yr old second wives who still get driven nuts over their husband's 'previous kids'. Like you said, you need to reanalyze if it's something you want to deal with for the rest of our life.