She gave a Christmas gift to a guy she used to hook up with..

[AlexD]

Hey everyone, so I think I may be a little paranoid.. But something seems weird about this situation..

So my girlfriend gave a Christmas gift to this guy she hooked up with. She never told me about it, but I heard her brother mentioning it to one of his friends when I was hanging out with them. But the weird thing is, my girlfriend actually mentioned how she never talks to that guy anymore. She also made a point to say that she doesn't respond to his facebook messages or something..

So why would she buy him a present and not mention it to me? I'd feel like a total sketchball doing that and not mentioning it personally.. She's been going on and on about how happy I make her lately too which is weird. I want to say something, but I know she'll just explode in a unnecessary fit of rage if I do. Accusing me of being jealous, not trusting her, etc.. I mean, it's probably nothing but it seems a little fishy to me. I feel like it would be a lot different if it was an ex where things ended mutually..

Your thoughts?

[basilandthyme]

Hi Alex, there's a bit of crucial history missing from this: the story behind you knowing that she'll have a fit of rage accusing you of jealosy.

For you to know this, she must have done it before. So, the question is, what's the history of your jealousy and her reaction? Either:

1. She's been acting in a manner which leads you to believe that she's doing something sneaky and you've been questioning it. She then gets defensive in her reaction.

2. You're jealous with no reason. And instead of telling you to take a hike, she takes the passive-aggressive path of simply lying to you about her male friends to keep the peace.

If you give more background, we'll be able to give more tailored advice.

[smackie9]

Ya I agree. We need more info.

[smackie9]

If you mean by "hooking up" is by having sex, then yes if it were me I would find it inappropriate. I do give gifts to my male friends, but I have never dated or slept with any of them.....they are friends for a reason.

Obviously she isn't really ready to commit to a serious relationship as of yet. I am assuming you haven't been together that long.

[AlexD]

Well they didn't have sex (to my knowledge).

But she told me they slept next to each other and "cuddled" but she never kissed him or had sex. This all happened when she was visiting her brother last year right around the time we had started dating and having sex (nothing official at the time). But it did kinda piss me off when she told me. I also thought she was lying about the sex. Then she gave me the "I can't believe you think I'd lie to you" crap. Oh please.. lol.

The whole jealousy thing happens often between us. The other night, I gave a co-worker a ride home from work who just happened to be female. It was freezing out, and her house was only 4 or 5 minutes away. I told my girlfriend "hey I'm driving my co-worker home I'll be at your place in a bit".. Well she drove by and saw us in the car. Instantly got pissed and said a bunch of stuff like "You better not be F-ing her" and stuff.

She also gets very jealous if I ever do something fun and exciting without her. I'll invite her all the time, but she's always too tired or doesn't have energy to do that kind of stuff. So I'll just go without her to a party or to the bars now and then.

[rayna]

To me it sounds like you both have trust issues with each other.

[PradaChanel]

Giving gifts to Ex's is totally unacceptable. I dont care what the situation is.

[Maple1714]

You both sound a little young...jealousy like the type you are describing is very immature.

She prob. did have sex with this other dude and not just cuddle. But, that's not really the point. She gave him a present b/c she is still keeping him on the hook. Why? She wants her cake and to eat it to. You just need to have a calm sit-down discussion with her and ask her to be honest with you about what she wants...then go from there.

[AlexD]

If you mean by "hooking up" is by having sex, then yes if it were me I would find it inappropriate. I do give gifts to my male friends, but I have never dated or slept with any of them.....they are friends for a reason.

Obviously she isn't really ready to commit to a serious relationship as of yet. I am assuming you haven't been together that long.

We've been together for about 4 months steady. Off and on for almost a year.

Well, she never dated him. And to my knowledge, she hasn't slept with him either (although they did cuddle and sleep next to each other). She just met him while visiting her brother. She gave plenty of gifts to all of our guy friends which I have no problem with at all.. But then again, she never "cuddled" with these guys either.

The thing that makes me raise suspicion is that she made a point to tell me "Oh yeah, I don't really talk to ___ anymore, I mean we don't really have much to say to each other."
Then I hear through her brother talking to his friend that she gave him a gift. I didn't hear anything mentioned about this from her.
If she doesn't talk to this guy anymore, why would she give him a gift?

On top of all of this, I don't really know this guy and haven't been introduced. (understandable, since he lives a few states away).. But still, I feel like something is fishy here.


I'm sure if any guy was dating a girl for a while, and he gave a Christmas gift to an old FWB.. Then that would be a total dealbreaker in most cases.. Am I wrong?

[basilandthyme]

I'm sure if any guy was dating a girl for a while, and he gave a Christmas gift to an old FWB.. Then that would be a total dealbreaker in most cases.. Am I wrong?

Context! Context! If he gave a small gift to many of his friends - her included - I wouldn't care at all. If he gave gifts to nobody except her...and that gift was an expensive piece of jewellery, then it would be more concerning.

[Guybrush]

Even without more info and context, I fully agree with you one one important point: Giving a present to someone she has been intimate with is not in line with the impression she wants to give you by telling you that she has cut him off completely (not responding to FB messages etc.). I understand that this makes her difficult to trust.

AND, she does not even trust you to drop off a coworker without implying that you have an affair.

This relationship has serious trust issues written all over it. You need to sort this out at a fundamental level. And that, as I have learnt the hard way, is a serious challenge.

[smackie9]

You are 4 months in and you both already can't trust each other....this relationship fails. Get out before it gets any worse.....it's an "Unhealthy" relationship.