Do Breaks Work??

[Eros1984]

So, a little bit of backround, my boyfriend and I are both in our late twenties and have been dating for ~1.5years. Before me he had been in 3 very serious long term relationships that all ended because of his anxiety issues with committment. He was hesitant of getting involved with me seriously because he didn't think he was ready, but we fell in love and decided to give it a shot. Now, a year later, his anxiety and fears of committment came back. He tells me he loves me and can see a future with me but he's scared and feels trapped. He suggested a break. What do I do? Do breaks work? Or is this just a break up? Otherwise, our relationship is perfect, we could not be more happy and in love with each other but these issues with his fear of committment keep coming back.

[basilandthyme]

Eros, my rule of thumb is to not bother with someone who can't happily give me 100% commitment. After 1.5 years, don't you deserve better?

Personally, I wouldn't accept a break. My reply would be "stay with me and get counselling or end it now".

[love&otherdrugs]

I agree with basilandthyme. I've had four friends go through this "let's take a break" thing, and two ended terribly while another worked, and the fourth stood her ground. But, the girl who stood her ground had the least misery of the four, and never regretted her actions. She basically told him, "I've given you nothing but 100% of my effort, and if you can't see that by now, a 'break' isn't going to change that for you. You either take me as I am, stay with me and make this work, or I'm gone."

Honestly, in seeing how heart-broken my other 3 friends were during this "break," I wouldn't recommend willingly going into one. It IS a breakup... a very complicated one with strings still attached because it feels as if there's a sense of hope and unfinished business. They didn't feel like they really were in a "break" at the time, they felt like they were in limbo, just waiting for their men to come back and tell them yes or no, waiting for "judgement day" as I called it.

My recommendation is to not put yourself through that heartache of limbo. Be assertive.

[Guybrush]

To be honest, I cannot recall any instance of "breaks" doing any good for a relationship. I do not really see any difference between reasons to take a break and reasons to break up.

[aaron43]

Sit down with him and have him tell you his fears. What is he afraid of. Why does he fear commitment? 1.5 years seems pretty committed to me. I think there is another issue. Repeat pattern.

I don't have a fear of commitment but of marriage because of my last one. I am in a serious relationship and want to get past my fears and spend the rest of my life with the girl I'm with now. Its not easy but I am working out my problems and trying to never positive. If he can't committ 100% then no matter how hard it is walk away and find a guy who gives you his all.

[Alden]

Thanks a lot!!!
I am agree with your reviews...
Thanks for sharing...

[Eros1984]

I'm talking to him tonight. Thank you all for your positive feedback. This is a really hard thing to do. I think I am going to ask him to get help if we are to stay together, and then re-evaluate where we are at a certain defined point. The other option would be to end it all together. I just don't see how a "break" could work, sounds like it's just going to give me false hope and prevent me from moving on. This is heartbreaking. I hope he gets help and works through these fears.