Long story... and not sure about anything anymore...

[mrmr]

Sorry that this is long, I didn't want to leave out any details (although I did eventually...)

My father died 4 years ago, I was devastated, I was with him for the past six months of his life at his side… taking care of him, and seeing him die before my eyes. I was alone, my family was not around to help me for various reason, and I had to juggle between work and the hospital.. until he died.
After his death I didn't take the time to moan and grief. I reflected my life and started to change directions, I decided to go to med school abroad. I was emotionally dead, but filled with will and energy for studying.
I moved abroad a few years ago in order to go to med school.

When i got here i studied in a language school for about 4 months, during which i met and fell in love with one of the teachers, now my ex girlfriend.
It was a classic love story, she being distant at the beginning and not sure if she wants to get involved with me, being 9 years younger than her and also an alien.
I was chasing her for two months, in a calm way, talking… smiling, going out to dinner and such. not stressing or pushing her.
Eventually she called me one night and kissed me… 2 months later we moved in together, being as happy as two people can be.

Her family did not like the idea one bit, so they didn't want to meet me, hear about me nothing… they kept criticizing her about her choices. These things got to her, she went to me more than once crying about it, and I told her that my intentions are for the long run, and I love her. If she wanted to go, she would have gone. But we loved each other too much, and we decided to give a shot even without the support of everyone else.

The months passed, I started med school and studying like a mad man. I loved the classes and i loved studying this material. She continued working at the school, money was tight, my income and hers were just about enough to cover rent and food, but not much more than that.
Time went on… I continued studying hard and doing more than well, she changed jobs and started working as a secretary, not as satisfying as teaching, but it paid a lot better. and around that point we moved to a new apartment as well, It was not close to anything but it was in a beautiful area. I had to take the car in the morning to get to the hospital and she had to take 2 buses to get to work. I always went out before she did so we did not drive together. Later found out that she considered this to be inconsiderate.

I went on with my studies, doing more than well, and actually pilling up more work. She was working, coming back home pretty late. And we started growing apart a little bit. Me even when I was at home I continued to study. And she felt neglected.
She didn't tell me about it, I saw something was wrong, so I asked, but she didn't want to talk about it.. and so I grew frustrated.
Things just kept getting worse, with us talking less, sleeping less… eventually we decided to move to a new apartment seeing that the distance was too much for us.
The apartment was poorly maintained, I worked like a dog for 3 weeks to make it nice for her. Eventually she loved it, she loved the effort as well. Things got a little better.

Unfortunately it was not enough, I was still consumed with my studies, and she felt more and more alone. during the entire relationship we talked about our future, without the support of our families it would have been hard to start a family at the moment, I would have had to sell some real-estate abroad in order to breath. But the biological clock was ticking. I was afraid, and also that made me a bit more distant.

Her boss was hitting on her, she was not aware of that, but for me it was obvious. He was leaving her little gifts on her desk, offering her lunch etc. I trusted her completely, and she told me about it.. I simply said that there is nothing innocent about the was e is behaving, I don't like it, and she should take it into consideration.

Eventually, things exploded and I told her that it s obvious that we are not happy. We love each other immensely, but we were pass the point in which things could be resolved by talking, I suggested we take some time off to reflect about things.
It took me 2 months to find an apartment, during which we started talking about us, about the problems about everything… we grew closer and closer together.
She grew also closer and closer together with her boss (married with kids by the way, both wife and daughter work at the same company), the started going out to lunch during the weekend… seeing more and more of each other.

My last week at the apartment was intense, we had sex everyday like never before. We talked about everything, we shared these moments really filled with love.

When I went out of the apartment I realized that I was walking away from the best thing that had ever happened to me. I wanted her back…
We still saw each other everyday, still talking, hugging, kissing… I asked her if she would like maybe to give it another shot. and things have exploded in my face.
She told me that she was also seeing her boss, and if she were to be with me she wanted to be with me a 100%.
During that period, she told me that she can't see me anymore, so I pulled back, then she wrote, or called… and we grew closer, and then another explosion.

I told her, try not to call me for at least a week… it was impossible to think with all this pain overtime that we met, and all these long conversations.
I had a breakdown, It was about my father… finally it caught up with me after all these years. Maybe it was that being alone again… I don't know. I cried for 2 days straight, I couldn't take it anymore so with her being my best friend I called her.
We met, I was a wreck, I explained to her what I lived, and what I became afterwards, a machine. And I told her that the person she lived with these years is not really me, I couldn't bring myself to be the real me. But now, these things start to get to me, and I want to live again.
That Night we slept together, and we passed the weekend together… we started talking to each other again, and seeing each other again… Things were getting better.

I changed my approach with her, just trying to enjoy our time together, and just trying to make her happy in general and happy with me. It seemed to work, she was captivated by me… but it also seemed excessive to her. so she drew back.
For me after this period, and dealing with a lot of suppressed memories, i had to take a break… I went back home to my family for 3 weeks during which i did a lot of work on myself, I passed the last night before I left with her, It was one of the best nights we ever passed.

She contacted me with emails, texts, phone calls… I was trying to be sweet, but again too much for her and she pulled back, then regretting it..
I wrote to her that she shouldn't feel sorry for what she is writing and that she should feel free to take all the time that she needs to cure her self, other than that i wrote that i love her and that my response for all her questions and requests is yes, and i also said, take as long as you need, i am here waiting, if you want, call, if you want we will meet, you decide.

She thanked me for the letter, she talks to me every other day, in a very carful manner, trying not to say really anything, but still wanting to talk.


When I came back it was obvious that she missed me, and it was obvious that i missed her. it us took 30 minuets just to say hello because we were absolutely captivated by one another.
After that, we talked a little bit and soon enough she went back to these discussions about how she suffered and how doubtful and afraid she is.

I told her 2 things. The first, all the changes that she sees are the product of years of work, and although they became evident after the breakup, that was not the cause for the changes, that just pushed me over the edge to take the leap and do the hard work I was avoiding for years. Meaning a "global" change, that has little to do with her. It is within these changes that I find myself wanting to live her.

The second, Like I told her from the beginning, I want to make her happy. And If I had a shred of doubt about being able to make her happy, i wouldn't have tried to get back together, moreover, i wouldn't have wanted to get back together if I had a shred of doubt about the fact that I know that it could work. After all I do love her, and the last thing that I want is to make her suffer... and if I had doubts regarding that, I would not try anything, even with all the love that i am feeling.. it's not right.

Other than that I told her that she is my woman, and whatever may happen, that thing is certain. There may be other women, as for her there may be other men. But nothing will be stronger, and nothing will change the fact that she is my woman and that i am her man. It will be a shame to throw it all away...

We passed the rest of the evening hugging, kissing, smiling... When I saw that she was calm and smiling I gave her a gift, I song i recorded for her (way back i used to be a professional musician, it has been years since I wrote a song, and this one came to me naturally during this time apart). She loved it, almost crying when she heard it, we passed the rest of the evening smiling, laughing...

When I left she wrote me a message thanking me for this time that was a gift for her, and for my eyes that are filled with a vitality that she had never seen before. She hopes that my heart is sincere and that it will help her heart understand better.

We met in the next few days, and things just kept getting better, still with doubts, but I try to reassure her.
My approach is just to try to enjoy ourselves, and all on her terms, like this trying to rebuild the trust.

For now I can't really do anything as long as the situations remains like this.. but I don't want to push her away either.
Am I deluding myself?

[bcgirl]

Should have been a big red flag when she crossed that boundary of student-teacher relationship. She likes the challenge of getting what she can't have, perhaps because her parents have always been so disapproving of her decisions in love. So it comes as no surprise that she was dating her married boss

[Wakeup]

For now I can't really do anything as long as the situations remains like this.. but I don't want to push her away either.
Am I deluding myself?

Sadly, I think, Yes you are. She has absolutely no reason to leave this married man that uses her for sex on the side when she has you fawning to still be with her. You give her her cake while she gets eaten by him.

You love her, I can see but you do yourself no favors by being her stand-in during the times she can't be with the married man. Do you see?

She was easily taken by you when you first met her and now she is very easily taken by the next man that paid her a bit of attention. If you want a polyamourous relationship with her then I think she'll be your ideal. If you want a monogamous relationship with her then I think you may be dissappointed.