Need some advice please!!!

[csp_dan]

Hi all, I would really love some advice on my current love-life situation.

So I've been seeing this girl for about 5 months now. We talk everyday, we say goodnight every night, we say good morning every morning. I am at her place more often than not, sometimes in week-long instances. We are intimate, we say I love you to each other often, we care about each other, and we don't fight often - even then we talk about it, we never leave each other angry. In short, everything seems great, right? Well, here's the kicker, and I'd love to hear an outside perspective.

This girl, a bit over a year ago, got out of a long term relationship. She told me this when we first began seeing each other - that she wasn't looking for a relationship - and I was okay with that at the time. Since that time, we've had another few conversations about what we wanted. Things have changed, and she knows that I'm looking for a relationship now - I told her this recently, my feelings have changed... I can't help it. I feel like we are in a relationship. Yet I still feel that she is tentative to commit fully.... our conversation about this ended in an abstract manner - "I don't know what to do," "Give me time, lets think about it," etc.

In a way, my biggest fear is that she won't let go primarily because she is afraid of losing me - I don't want to have to convince anyone to be in a relationship with me. I am not angry at her, I respect what she wants and that she told me from the beginning. She knows what I want now, and respects it too (I can feel she's trying to sort through her feelings). But things have evolved, things have to change or I know it won't end well. Its 5 months in, and, no thanks to the holiday season haha, its starting to wear on me emotionally; I don't like to be evasive when our friends ask me whats going on, and I can't say anything. I don't like that we can't appear as a couple in front of people we know. Its like I should feel ashamed of loving her or that I'm not good enough. She's told me this isn't the case, but whether its just my ego or not, I know its not something I can go on with. Our most recent talk was just a few days ago, I know she can't change right away; but these feelings are starting to transmute into feelings of jealousy and distrust. It might not have anything to do with me, but I can't help feeling how can't it. But then I feel bad, because I shouldn't be jealous, because we're not in a mutual "relationship".... its not fair to her that I feel this way either. Her friends have told me that I shouldn't give up on her, that she wants these things too; I haven't pried, but they alluded to some abusive-type things in her past relationship that she is trying to get over.

Any insight - whether black, white, or grey - would be immensely helpful. Obviously we care about each other deeply, but I know the status quo cannot continue. How long should I wait? Should I wait? Are we better off not seeing each other for awhile? Stay the course? Something else? Help.

[basilandthyme]

csp_dan, this relationship is no good for you. It's bringing out parts of your personality which you dislike and is leaving you paranoid and insecure. This is no way to be!

To be honest, I can't see that you mean anything to her other than FWB. And I don't like how she knows you want more but won't give you a clear answer. I know she say "I love you" but words are cheap...it's the actions which really count.

It's decision time for you. I suggest you tell her that the status quo is longer working for you. Tell her that you need to be all in or all out. If she won't make a decision, then you need to end things and go no contact for as long as it takes to not care about her anymore. But whatever you do, don't keep waiting for her.

[csp_dan]

Thank you, I think you are right. Do you think it is unfair of me to give such an ultimatum so soon since our last talk... only 3 days ago? I'm just trying to see the other side, maybe she needs time to reframe her mind, to digest.... I'm not saying an indefinite wait, I was thinking a week. We had both acknowledged that this can't continue like this in our last talk, and that we would talk again

[basilandthyme]

Ah, so it was only three days ago that you had this conversation.

Look, she's stringing you along. She's known for ages how you feel and is still saying 'let me think'. She's had plenty of time to think about the future. She's treating you as if your feelings aren't important and you're letting her get away with it.

[Beenthere]

Hi, I agree with basilandthyme, the girl either knows she loves you or knows she doesnt, although i am sure she cares. I would let her know you are moving on.. if the thought of loosing you isnt enough to let her know that she can't live without you, well then she probably can. You sound like a good person and I bet there will be someone out there who will give you the partnership as well as love you want.

[csp_dan]

Thank you for your advice guys. I know it in my gut that you both are right, its just a difficult thing to do - the prospect of letting go of someone you care about.

Anyways, I did - I asked her what she wanted, and I told her we both wanted different things right now, and that she needed to give me time to get over her. I now understand completely the term, bitter sweet. Neither of us were angry, just so sad, and we did spend the night together before saying our byes... She was my best friend too... I am sad.

But I do feel good because I honestly have no ulterior motives in regards to just playing the 'no contact' card, and hoping she comes back one day.... I sincerely feel I should get over her, and then one day maybe we can be great friends again.

Even though I know it is for the best, I am still broken up about it. I don't really 'know' anyone here, I guess I'm just talking to the wind.... but a kind word, advice maybe from anyone, even a stranger, would be nice.

[basilandthyme]

You've really done the right thing by yourself. I was kinda hoping for you that the threat of losing you may be enough to have her reconsider - but this outcome shows that by staying you would have just been spinning your wheels.

Thankfully, you're now free to find someone who meets your needs. And when you find that perfect girl, she and you will become great friends and lovers and this girl will just be someone who you used to know.

[csp_dan]

Thank you so much for those words. As anyone who has been through a 'breakup' knows, its quite a lonely and vulnerable time. Even though you don't know me, you have no idea (or maybe you do) how much it means to know that someone is listening. I keep having these urges just to talk to her, to hear her voice (don't worry I won't). It hurts something awful, and I thank you for being honest from an outsiders perspective, and also with the attempt not to demean my feelings. I feel sometimes its rare to find kindness.... thank you sincerely.