Unemployed Boyfriend

[beyou2013]

woods, I do feel like he is lacking the confidence on getting a job. I noticed he puts himself down before applying and he doesn't want to apply if he's going to get rejected.

He cried to me yesterday about the job situation and I told him he's too hard on himself and that he's a smart guy. I tell him with so many applications filled out you're bound to get a job interview.

I've also mentioned that he should consider going back to school since he has free time but this isn't what he wants. He doesn't know what he wants to do in life and i'm trying to help him figure that out.

Cerby, I've tried telling him before that I'm feeling smothered and need to find my own place but my boyfriend freaked out.

I don't like his parents because they are doing nothing to motivate my boyfriend since they support him. His parents can't support him forever and his parents need to teach him that.

They told him this year to re-file for unemployment when really they should be advising him to get a job.

I want his parents to al least stop buying him cigarettes. If he can't support his habit he shouldn't smoke.

I've been wanting to speak to them about this but I don't know how or when to bring it up.

I honestly feel like he's never going to move out of his parent's house since he's pretty much set there which isn't what I want.

Well, it sounds like you're in a tough spot here. You're with an unmotivated individual who has things working well for him the way they are. Ultimatums are a bad idea, they come across as threats, but here is what I woud do...

Tell him you're feeling smothered and need to find your own place. You aren't breaking up with him, but until he is able to support his 50%, he can't come with you. Find something you can afford on your own fairly easily, and could move with short notice if he does get his sh*t together and you could find a place together. After you leave and move into your own place, keep silent track of how long it takes him to figure his life out. If 6 months down the road he is still unemployed and doing nothing, then it might be time to consider ending the relationship.

[Love'sReject]

You might as well breakup with him and kick him while he's down. You have no faith in him, so I don't think this relationship is good for anything any longer.

[AdminOnline]

one person effort won't be enough to move him.

Talk to his close friends & family about how serious the situation can be if this continue on. Then gather around and do up a simple plan.. brainstorm to 'push' him to create a better future for himself..

[fearoflove]

Let him know that there is nothing wrong with working a minimum wage job before he finds a better job. At least, it will bring in some money. Nothing worse than just bumming at home.

[Cerby]

Cerby, I've tried telling him before that I'm feeling smothered and need to find my own place but my boyfriend freaked out.

Good, then what did you do about it? Back down? Don't. If you want to make it work, you need to break free of this cycle you're in with him. If he freaks out, tell him it is easy to make it work, get a job and pay his share, and all will be hunky dory.

[Cerby]

I agree with the "over-entitled generation": frankly, I'm not one of them. I don't have a sense of entitlement.

By the way, breaking the law is not "ill treatment": it's unethical. You can use your platitudes to defend it all you want, but we in America don't believe that labor laws should be broken.

I follow our labour laws to the letter (which are considerably more fair on average than the US. Vacation days anyone? ). But when someone is screwing around at their computer playing flash games when they should be working, they get to hear about it. The older associates (and by older I mean late 20s early 30s) usually smarten the f* up, the younger ones (late teens early 20s) run to HR saying that their freedoms are being walked on (or some other random BS reason). They usually end up without a job, and turn into someone who complains they can't find work.

[Love'sReject]

True. I'm not defending those guys, nor was I one of them when I lost my job. Work simply ran out.

[basilandthyme]

I want his parents to al least stop buying him cigarettes. If he can't support his habit he shouldn't smoke.

I've been wanting to speak to them about this but I don't know how or when to bring it up.

The reason you don't how know to speak to his parents about this is because your gut is (correctly) telling you that it's not your place to discuss how they parent him. The truth of the matter is that you are trying to parent this guy in a different way to how his actual parents are doing it.

As much as we may disagree with their choices, how they raise him is their own business. If you interfere, you're likely to find yourself thrown out of the house. Although, this could be a blessing in disguise.

[PradaChanel]

I think you should talk to him and let him know how you feel. I can totally understand your fustration. First of all, its a difference between someone actually trying to do something with their lives and someone just sitting on their lazy asses watching the days go by. I know people like that and I have zero tolerance. Everyone should be trying. I remember this guy I know was acting like he didnt want to get a job at a seafood restaurant. It was above him, so he thought. Like I told him, take a look at your experience. Maybe youre not qualified. If you want to get qualified, go to school. There is no reason your boyfriend shouldnt be in school or something like that.

I dont like men with no motivation. Is he going to be like this in the future, then next thing you know hes the housewife. Your the worker. I prefer someone that is growing with me, if their not already there. I need to be assured you got a game plan to provide and be a man. He complaining that he doesnt have money to take you out, then he need to do something about it. I know the economy is rough but he could be school or job training or something.

[VincenzoG91]

Parents have to be willing to pay whatever price for having children. Parents' obligation doesn't end anywhere: if they can't handle having a child, they shouldn't have them.

Unless the offspring has serious mental or physical disabilities, the parental obligation is primarily for the first 18 years or so. After that, the child isn't a child any more and needs to grow the hell up and take responsibility for life.

[Love'sReject]

If they failed to teach him that, the onus is on them. Frankly, I think mandatory sterilization is necessary and desirable.

[fearoflove]

If they failed to teach him that, the onus is on them. Frankly, I think mandatory sterilization is necessary and desirable.

Parenting is not the only factor in how well their kids will do. Kids are also exposed to influences of others and when a person comes to an age of maturity, he/she should have the capability to take responsibility over their own lives.

[basilandthyme]

If they failed to teach him that, the onus is on them.

Yep. And when the OP finally gets tired of trying to parent her man-child, he'll be his parent's responsibility again.

I just hope the OP learns that that parenting him isn't her responsibility.

[basilandthyme]

I've tried telling him before that I'm feeling smothered and need to find my own place but my boyfriend freaked out.

Beyou, do you realise that by staying with him because he freaked out, you're doing exactly what his parents are doing? You're rewarding his bad behaviour because you don't want to hurt him.

This guy has never had a consequence in his life, has he.

[Scarlet_P]

I can relate to this post no problem. Right now, I don't have a job, and live my gf. But I got an inheritance and wanted to get some down time, a sabatical. I pay for the food and more than my share of bills (plus for all the care for our cat, who is expensive!), which equates to the rent every month. I also do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, gardening and anything else like fixing leaky taps and doors that aren't working etc. My gf works full time, but I make sure she doesn't have to raise a finger when she gets home. I also paid off all her credit card bills -twice, while I was working - which equated to over $10K, and don't expect her to pay me back. Mind you, at my last two jobs, I was replaced by four people, both times, which kind of suggests I was working my nuts off.

However, this guy seems to be afraid of getting back into the situation he was in, understandably. Being mistreated, overworked, not given fair breaks etc. What did your bf do, and what does he really want to do? What does he do with his time...study? Write a novel? Record music? If he were able to do anything, what would it be? I think if he wants to go back into his old line of work, maybe he should think about going self employed. That way, he wouldn't have someone cracking a whip at him all day, and overloading him. He could charge contractors' rates, and then take a week off if he's ahead of earning the rent, bill and food money. Of course, it would involve tax returns and all that, but a small price to pay for being his own boss.

That's if you can wait for him to do that, or believe he will do that! Just working at a bar or restaurant can be fun. I don't know how his family think they're helping him by getting him to work for food and smokes, it practically insulting. But it looks to me that he'd rather do anything than go back to how things were, it was obviously making him very unhappy.

But this is about you. You sound as though you want someone who is an equal, and you deserve someone who is.